Embracing Authenticity for Stronger Connections - Derick Johnson

Imagine growing up in a turbulent household and turning that chaos into a journey of self-discovery—a journey that not only transforms your life but also empowers you to guide others. This is the story of Derek Johnson, a US Army veteran and life coach, who joins us to unravel the intricate webs of learned patterns that shape our interactions and influence our personal growth. Derek's insights into the world of psychology and family dynamics offer a fresh perspective on identifying and breaking free from behaviors that keep us emotionally drained, like people-pleasing tendencies. Through his story, we uncover how acknowledging these patterns can lead us to meaningful connections and personal well-being.

The power to change is often within us, waiting to be unlocked by examining key areas of our lives, such as faith, fitness, and mindset. Together with Derek, we navigate the process of recognizing and combating negative patterns and toxic relationships that restrain us from our true potential. We delve into the importance of mindful communication and self-awareness, exploring how our words can shape our subconscious mind and social interactions. By addressing these negative influences openly, we pave the way for emotional freedom, encouraging an open dialogue about personal needs to manage anxiety and prevent emotional buildup.

As we round off our conversation, the focus shifts to building genuine connections through self-awareness. Understanding our own patterns allows us to present ourselves with authenticity and confidence, strengthening our relationships. Derek and I discuss the delicate balance of determining which patterns hinder growth and which empower us, highlighting the potential of channeling emotions like anger into positive actions. Sharing my personal journey toward embracing patience, I reflect on how this shift has transformed my mindset and relationships. Join us in staying curious and connected as we explore the principles that enrich our lives with pleasure and fulfillment.

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Patterns and Personal Transformation
• 9:13 Identifying and Breaking Negative Patterns
• 16:00 Building Meaningful Connections Through Self-Awareness
• 25:19 Breaking Free

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Sensuality is an enriching experience that transcends mere physical touch. It invites us to explore openness and vulnerability, creating deeper connections with others. By engaging in mindful touch, we enhance our awareness of each other's desires and boundaries. This practice cultivates intimacy, as it encourages honest communication and emotional safety. Each caress becomes a dialogue between bodies, transcending words and allowing us to connect on a profound level. Embracing the art of sensuality fosters trust, reigniting passion and curiosity in relationships. It's a journey of discovery, inviting us to celebrate the beauty of human connection through the transformative power of touch.

Speaker 2: 0:59

Hello and welcome to Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we dive deep into the core of human connection, communication and the personal transformation. I'm your host, avik, and today we are exploring something that affects all of us the patterns we have learned over the time and how they shape our relationships. So are they helping us thrive or they are holding us back? So joining me today is Derek Johnson. So welcome to the show, derek. Thank you for having me. Avik, lovely, lovely. So, derek, before we start our conversation on this, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Dear listeners, Derek is a US Army veteran, life coach and the trainer who has helped over 500 clients and countless companies shift from merely surviving to truly thriving. So Derek's story is one of the resilience, like growing up in a turbulent household, thriving in the military, and new coaching, I mean like coaching others to break free from old patterns that no longer serve them. So we will be talking about how to identify these patterns and why it's so important to break free from them, and also, at the same time, how that can lead to more authentic and deeper connections with ourselves and with the others. So wait, wait, let's get started. Welcome to the show again, derek, thank you, thank you. I'm excited, great, great, lovely. So, Derek, to start with, I mean if you can share how you first became aware of your own patterns and also like how they affected your relationships yeah, great question.

Speaker 3: 2:47

So, honestly, it was when I was about 15 years old. I was in high school. I was still living with my parents at the time, but I noticed that I would look at why I responded a certain way to my family and why they responded a certain way. So I was always the quiet kid and the quiet teenager. And there's a lot of violence at home, a lot of drinking at home and all that. So some families are like that, where alcohol is common. But I was always very interested in how the mind worked. So I would look at my reactions and I would say when I was a kid I was calmer. And then, around the age of 11, I noticed my family would drink more and I noticed that I was very scared for two years and then, after the two years, I got more confidence and I would look at my patterns within those two to four year marks and then, after myself, I would look at my family and I would say you know what? The drinking never affected my parents' career Never. They were the first ones in the office, the last ones to leave. It was only at night, at home. It never affected anything else, their reputation, and so I would say okay, well, their pattern is good in the daytime and it's different at night.

Speaker 3: 4:04

And so I would like play this game in my head that I would try to read my family's patterns and then, when we would be at family cookouts or at a barbecue or at a party because I would take my parents everywhere I would just watch the room.

Speaker 3: 4:18

So I was the quiet teenager and I would just observe and I would catch their patterns, my patterns. It was just very interesting. So that's what inspired me to get deeper into psychology to learn why do people react a certain way? So an example could be sometimes people act more emotional, they act more angry. Some people are very quiet and don't really show a reaction, but it's always interesting because sometimes the extreme reaction is like a defense mechanism and other times the person could just be calm and confident. So I started with myself and then I went from there and started reading the patterns of my family to see how they reacted to each other, and not just the bad, also the good. And it was just always very interesting because I would connect the dots to see what makes them different at different time of days.

Speaker 2: 5:09

Lovely yeah. And also like, just wanted to understand, like, what are some of the signs that people might not recognize in themselves that indicate that they are stuck, or they are stuck in old and unhelpful patterns?

Speaker 3: 5:26

like this, if somebody always feels drained from other people, so if they always feel emotionally drained, physically drained, maybe they're always tired, they could see, maybe they are a people pleaser. So some people they maybe say yes to everything. The family needs help, friends need help, co-workers, their managers, their boss, and they say yes to everything. Yes, I can help you. Yes, I can do that. Yes, no worries, I'll pick you up. Yes, no problem, you can use my thing. And they say yes a lot because maybe internally they don't feel heard or understood, because everybody has an internal child and the internal child and every adult wants to feel heard and understood. So sometimes people that have a struggle with people pleasing, they say yes to a lot of things and a lot of people and then they realize that almost all of their energy and time goes to take care of everyone else and they don't have much left for their own self and then they feel drained or burnt out. So that is a common example for many people that I see is they're very positive, nice people, but they do way too much for everybody else and they forget about themselves, whether it's their mental health, their faith in whatever they believe, or maybe even like their fitness or nutrition and they just feel like they can't catch up. They have a lot of unfinished projects at home with their work, maybe with their body or health, but they're always doing everything for everybody else.

Speaker 3: 6:58

So that's a very common pattern that people have, and sometimes they don't think about it much because they're like I'm a good person, I take care of everyone, which is true, so it's a fact but they are the last ones that they take care of because they think of everyone else first.

Speaker 3: 7:13

And so I just challenge people to flip it. I'm not saying to be selfish, but it's actually selfless when we take care of us first. So, like in the mornings, I will work out, I'll drink my water, take my vitamins my first hour and a half is just for me and then I'll go walk my dog, but I make sure that my mind, my body, my faith is set, and then I start my day with whatever I'm doing, but I feel good because I took care of me first. And the last analogy would be like flying on an airplane. As they always say, if you're going to help somebody on an airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help your family, the old lady, the kids, whoever's sitting next to you. You got to put your own mask on first to get your oxygen, so I just like to use that analogy for real life to remind people are you putting on your oxygen mask or are you taking care of everybody else in the airplane?

Speaker 2: 8:07

that's, that's really lovely one. Yeah, yeah, so, um. So you have thrived in high pressure environments like the military, so how did you learn to break free from the patterns that you have learned growing up?

Speaker 3: 8:23

Great question so one could be to see is that is the faith strong enough? Because sometimes people have a lot of fear and the fear could come from lack of faith in whatever they believe in if that's god, all the jesus, the universe, whatever they want to believe in. But a lot of the times the fear comes from a lack of faith, so they either don't believe in something or someone or they don't really believe in themselves, and so that pattern could be there, because they're running off of fear and they're afraid of a lot of things. And it doesn't have to be like a fear of heights or snakes or anything extreme. It could just be something like some people have a fear of more responsibility if they get a raise, a promotion at work, a new career, if they have to do public speaking. So everybody has different levels of fear and different types, but one it could be faith. So asking ourselves am I lacking with my faith? Two could be am I lacking taking care of my mental health or my mindset? Maybe they eat healthy, maybe they pray a lot, but they're always thinking negative. And three could be maybe they're lacking in their body, they're not eating that healthy or they're like you know what I need to stop drinking or smoking or I need to, I need to stop eating so much sugar.

Speaker 3: 9:37

So I would look at the three and they can ask themselves what am I lacking in? Is it my faith, my fitness or my mindset? And usually one of those three they can pinpoint and say you know what? Maybe she hasn't meditated or prayed in a long time or journaled, maybe he hasn't worked out consistently in a long time and maybe she just has way too many Red Bulls and coffee and doesn't eat that healthy. So everybody kind of has their thing. But if we could just look within, then once we can grab control of whatever we're lacking, then we can start to really focus on the pattern first, because it's very difficult and nearly impossible to change a pattern if we're not taking care of us first. But once we feel better, we're more hydrated, worked on our faith, worked on our body and our mental health, then we can say, okay, I feel better, I'm confident, I need to break this or I need to break that. So that would be my challenges. People ask themselves which of the three am I lacking my faith, my fitness or my mindset?

Speaker 2: 10:36

That's lovely and, like many listeners might think that, but I have always been this way. So how do you respond to those people who feel like they can't change?

Speaker 3: 10:49

Great question. So one thing that people don't realize is that everything that they need is already within them Okay, so the power, the confidence. But if they feel like they can't change, they just have to remind themselves. You know what? God blessed me already with everything that I need internally. So, step one they have to get rid of things first.

Speaker 3: 11:12

So maybe it's negative thinking, maybe they eat too much sugar, maybe they hang around with people that think too small and they're always speaking negative. Or maybe they're very scared and they're around other people that are always watching the news and they think it's the end of the world. They think the apocalypse is coming and the energy is very stressful around these people. They think the apocalypse is coming and, like, the energy is very stressful around these people. So I would challenge them to say one yes, you can change.

Speaker 3: 11:39

So beware of the words that you use. So what I tell my friends and clients is watch your words. So an example could be I'm never going to find love, I don't know if I'll ever financially be successful, I don't know if I can do this, and all these statements that people use almost every day. When they speak, they think about it and they write it on social media or they text it to their friends and this statement or whatever that is, it's like running autopilot in their subconscious mind and they put themselves into a mental box. And they don't do it on purpose, but they just always use these words, these phrases I'm not enough, I'll never find love, I can't do this.

Speaker 3: 12:22

Maybe this isn't the right thing, all these different phrases that they might use, and it's just running in the back of their mind and they start to believe it. So maybe it came from them and sometimes maybe it came from somebody negative in their life. Maybe it was a negative family member, their ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, whoever that was, maybe somebody on the internet. And if the person is stressed, they might start to agree and say you know what? Maybe she was right, maybe he was right, which is not correct at all, but they just start agreeing with whatever negative words or phrases they heard and they feel like they literally can't change.

Speaker 3: 12:55

So I just like to remind people that everything you need is already within you. We just first have to get rid of things, because once they get rid of things, they just feel more free and say you know what? I am my own person, I don't have to live what she said. I need to do what he said. So just remind people that sometimes we're living the life or path that somebody else said for us, or the own vision, like you can't do this because you're a single mother or you're a single father, or you can't do this in this industry because I'm American and you're not, or like all the stuff that people say and sometimes people agree with it and then they feel stuck.

Speaker 2: 13:30

Lovely yeah.

Speaker 3: 13:56

Lovely, yeah. So let's just say that somebody is aware of their patterns and maybe they just need space. Sometimes they have like a time limit on social time when they can be around people for two hours and then they need like 10 or 20 minutes away from everybody because maybe they get social anxiety. So if they know this, then they can just say hey guys, I'm going to go for a walk, it's just been a long day, but at least they communicate. So nobody thinks it's weird that they just walk away and they don't have to really fully explain themselves. They can just say hey guys, I just need to get some air, it's been a long day, and everybody's like, oh cool, see you in a few minutes and they feel better.

Speaker 3: 14:33

But the person that doesn't say anything, every five to 10 minutes they start feeling that social pressure, that anxiety. They might start being very fidgety, their body language changes. So it's all dependent on the person. But just to make sure that one they're aware of their patterns and to communicate openly with what you need or what you want to improve, because when people start to hold things in, that's when everything shifts and then that's when people start saying, hey, are you okay, what's wrong, what's going on, and that might open like the floodgates of their emotions, because maybe they haven't communicated anything in a long time. So just being aware of our patterns, but speaking up before the pattern has already started.

Speaker 3: 15:16

So if we know the time limit of social time is two hours, then around the hour and a half mark they can say, guys, I'll be right back, I gotta go do something, and then nobody's gonna think anything weird. They can just leave and come back, but at least they communicated, rather than being at like a family member's birthday dinner and they go to the bathroom for 20 minutes. Everybody's like, hey, is she okay? Where's avik? He just left, I don't know. Is he aside smoking a cigarette? Did he go to the bathroom? And then everybody's worried about the person. But just open communication can help a lot because then nobody feels bad and they don't actually have to talk about what's going on. They could just say, hey, I'll be back true, exactly, I totally agree on this.

Speaker 2: 15:56

Yeah so, um also like uh. Some listeners might also wonder like uh, if these patterns is just about the self-improvement. So how does this process actually help in building stronger and kind of more meaningful connections with the others?

Speaker 3: 16:16

yeah. So when somebody knows themselves better, they start to love themselves more, respect themselves more and they just feel like they have their power. So they don't feel like they're giving up their power to negative thoughts, unawareness, fear, confusion, and so they just show up in a more positive light because they feel secure in themselves. So if person one knows their patterns, they're way more relaxed at work, dating, on a first date with friends or even with strangers. They got invited to somebody's birthday dinner and they don't know anybody except their one friend. They feel better because they at least know themselves on a deeper level.

Speaker 3: 16:58

Person two maybe they don't know themselves that well or maybe they've been neglecting having alone time to really think about their patterns and then they feel very uncomfortable in a lot of settings one-on-one, in a group, at work or at the friend dinner. But the better you know yourself, you're just going to show up more authentically, more confident and number one calmer. You can just tell their body language is just very relaxed and it just feels good because afterwards you're like wow, I used to hate social settings, I used to hate interviews or first dates or whatever that is for that person, and now they're not really bothered by anything because they know themselves and they just show up authentically lovely, that's great.

Speaker 2: 17:43

And uh also like do you think it's possible to outgrow all our patterns, or are there some of that we should keep like?

Speaker 3: 17:56

if we can share. Yeah, so it's all person dependent. I just like to look at it as is the pattern serving you Meaning? Is it making you better and is it helping your life, or is it holding you back? So not every pattern has to be negative or unhealthy.

Speaker 3: 18:11

So for men most men, we all have anger issues a little bit. It doesn't mean we're all violent, but sometimes we just we hold in a lot. So for a lot of men it's hard to really communicate about our emotions and we push it down. We push it down. We might go work out, we might listen to music and all this. But the man that's always pushing his emotion down, one day it's gonna come up. It doesn't mean he has to be violent, but one day he might just like get annoyed at family, at work or just in public. When he's in the grocery store he might just be like what are you doing? And people are like, whoa, what was that? But the reason that maybe he erupts is because he's been pushing it in.

Speaker 3: 18:47

So with that example he can use anger to his advantage and push harder for his goals. But it isn't really that he has to fully get rid of the pattern of feeling anger it's more so. How will he use it? Because anger, along with any other emotion, no emotion is good or bad. It's just our reaction to the emotion. So if a man feels angry for 10 minutes, he could use that to work out harder. He could go for a run, he could make some content on a very serious topic and he'll use that energy. But he can flip that anger, or whatever the emotion is, into action. So, just being aware of what maybe the guy used to do and say you know what, that's the pattern, maybe I should flip it. Or this is a pattern that actually helps me, let's keep it. So I would just look at is it serving you or is it holding you back?

Speaker 2: 19:41

so lovely, yeah, great and uh. So what's the most challenging pattern that you have had to break personally, and how has it impacted your relationships then?

Speaker 3: 19:55

I would say the pattern of not having that much patience with people. So sometimes other people move a lot slower and then, like as an American or as military military, is just like go, go, go, go, go, got to do this, we got to be here, we got to be there. And obviously not everybody thinks or lives or acts that way, which is not bad. But sometimes, like when I was younger, it was a issue I would say like seven, seven or eight years ago I would just be annoyed because I'd be impatient with people. So some of my friends they would take too long to do things, or some people just walk slower or they drive slower, and I was was just like why is everybody moving so slow? There's, there's no sense of urgency and it would annoy me. I was still positive but internally I would just be annoyed because I didn't have patience. And then throughout the years I would just laugh and say you know what? Some people, they just move slower. That's not good, that's not bad, that's just who they are. But I can't everybody. But I would just notice that it was more so from a sense of stress, fear, confusion, by just seeing somebody's body language in public. So I would want to help them, but I'm not just going to walk up to a stranger and be like, hey, I see your body language. You look very stressed. Can I help you? I don't want to be the weirdo in public, but in general I would say what my struggle was was the lack of patience, whether it was patience for other people and the other one was patience for goals, cause I would always work hard, wake up early, push, push, push, push, push and just patience, like, okay, I gotta be patient for my goal, or maybe God has a different timing for me and all this.

Speaker 3: 21:37

And once I worked on that, I stopped worrying about the date or the time and I just said as long as I do my part, it's inevitable, it's going to happen. And so what I tell myself is, when it comes to life and goals, it's already done. Time just hasn't caught up yet, it's already done. Time just hasn't caught up yet. It's already done. Time just hasn't caught up yet. So, meaning, every single day, I will do my part. So one day it's all going to come together. Time just hasn't caught up yet. So let me be patient and just do my part and focus on today. I can't change yesterday. I'm not going to stress about tomorrow or five years from now. Let me just be here today and do what I can.

Speaker 2: 22:18

Perfect. Perfect, that's really awesome, lovely, I'd say Great. So I mean, from the listener's perspective, I would say like, while we explore these deep topics, I want you, the listeners, to think about the patterns you see in yourself. So maybe it's in the way that you communicate or how you react under distress. So are these habits serving you or are they limiting your ability to form deeper or meaningful connections? So I'd love to mention to the listeners that take some time to reflect as we go through this conversation and I believe at the end you will definitely understand the perspective, what we had discussed today with Derek, and definitely it will bring some change. So, derek, if you want to share some advice or something for the listeners, yes for sure.

Speaker 3: 23:21

So I would challenge you to pause and ask yourself what makes me feel excited about life. Is it my morning workout? Is it when I go to the beach? Is it when I hold my kids or play with my dog? Think about everything that gets you excited and something that you can do to get yourself excited about life, and then from there, write down what annoys you about yourself.

Speaker 3: 23:45

Everybody gets annoyed with themselves sometimes. Maybe it's what you eat, maybe it's what you drink, maybe you're just too nice and say yes to everybody and you get annoyed because you can't finish your own projects. But just be honest with yourself. Give yourself some grace. Don't be angry or sad at yourself. Just say, okay, this makes me feel good, this makes me annoyed with myself, and just write those things on paper and say, okay, what can I do here? Maybe it's at home. Maybe you could have a friend come over to help you with your home project. Maybe you could pay somebody to do your home cleaning or detail and clean your car, because that saves you time.

Speaker 3: 24:25

So, whatever specifically it is, what can you do to improve what annoys you about yourself? And it's all about the awareness. Here are good patterns which make me feel good. Here are patterns that annoy me, make me sad, make me angry. But see what can you do for yourself or get help from others where you can improve the other patterns and just look at yourself like a science project, like see life as a video game sometimes and have fun with it. What can you do to make yourself a level 99 character, like?

Speaker 3: 25:00

You don't have to live down here all the time. You can. There's a lot of people out there that could help you. You'd help yourself. But just be honest and it's the best thing honesty and openness with yourself. You don't have to run from yourself and don't push your emotions down. If you need to release it for a moment, release the emotion. If you need to cry for one minute, just let it out. If you need to go work out and scream or yell, just release it. I would rather you release, then grab the bottle, then take the thing or do anything that is not good for you, that makes you feel bad about yourself later.

Speaker 2: 25:28

Perfect, that's lovely, yeah, great. So, derek, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on Pleasure Principles today, so thank you so much. Thank you, yeah.

Speaker 3: 25:40

I appreciate you having me. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 25:43

Great, great, and also helping us understand the power of breaking old patterns to lead more connected, fulfilling lives. So for the listeners, I would love to mention, for those who are listening right now, remember that change starts with awareness. So do not be afraid to question the patterns that have been guiding you, because breaking free can open the doors to deeper, more genuine connections with yourself and with others. So until next time, stay curious, stay connected and remember to explore your pressure principles. So, thank you so much.