Empowering Connections Through Sexual Boundaries - Eva Glimmer

What if your journey to a more fulfilling relationship began with understanding the power of sexual boundaries? Join us as we welcome Eva Glimmer, a leading somatic sex educator and author of "Sexual Boundaries, Sexual Mastery," who provides invaluable insights into reshaping our perceptions of sensuality and sexuality. Eva shares her experiences and wisdom on crafting a holistic guide during challenging times, aiming to help individuals reclaim their sexual identities. Our conversation promises to shed light on how aligning your energy, words, and actions can lead to profound connections and ignite passion and trust within your relationships.

Our discussion takes you on a journey of self-awareness and vulnerability, encouraging you to step beyond conventional norms and embrace a new, conscious approach to sexuality. We uncover the importance of communication, mutual respect, and the courage to express authentic desires while considering your partner's boundaries. This episode is an invitation to explore the foundation of empowering sexual self-discovery, where embracing your authentic self paves the way for life-changing connections. Don't miss the chance to transform your perspective and relationships with the insights shared by Eva Glimmer, and be sure to explore her book for deeper guidance on this essential journey.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Sensuality and Sexual Boundaries
• 18:08 Navigating Conscious Sexual Boundaries
• 26:34 Empowering Sexual Self-Discovery

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Sensuality is an enriching experience that transcends mere physical touch. It invites us to explore openness and vulnerability, creating deeper connections with others. By engaging in mindful touch, we enhance our awareness of each other's desires and boundaries. This practice cultivates intimacy, as it encourages honest communication and emotional safety. Each caress becomes a dialogue between bodies, transcending words and allowing us to connect on a profound level. Embracing the art of sensuality fosters trust, reigniting passion and curiosity in relationships. It's a journey of discovery, inviting us to celebrate the beauty of human connection through the transformative power of touch.

Speaker 2: 0:59

Hey everyone, welcome to Pleasure Principles, where we break down the taboos, explore the art of intimacy and dive deep into what it means to truly own your pleasure. I'm your host, avik, and today we are taking a bold step into the world of sexual boundaries and mastery with none other than Eva Glimmer. Welcome to the show, eva.

Speaker 3: 1:24

Thank you, Avik. Lovely to be here. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2: 1:27

Great, great. So, dear listeners, before we start our discussion with Eve, I'll quickly love to introduce you to her. Eve is a renowned somatic sex educator, best-selling author of Sexual Boundaries, sexual Mastery and a transformative guide for those who are ready to reclaim their sexual self. So Eve brings over two decades of experience from her practice in the heart of Brown Bray, australia, where she's helped countless individuals discover the power of self-awareness, authentic desire and the embodied connection. So are you ready to challenge what you know and step into your most authentic sexual self? Then let's get started. Welcome to the show again, eve.

Speaker 3: 2:18

Thanks Avik.

Speaker 2: 2:21

Lovely, lovely. So, eve, to start with, I mean mean, if you can share what inspired you to write the sexual boundaries, sexual mastery? I mean, was there a pivotal moment that sparked this journey?

Speaker 3: 2:35

there was actually and it was in the time of covid I had been writing, probably for about 18 months, a book on men's sexuality and it had turned into a massive encyclopedia and I got quite overwhelmed and thought I'm never going to finish this. What does the world really need right now? And from my practice from working with men and women and couples, from working with men and women and couples, I realised that my clients needed a resource that they could refer to between their session times, and so I started writing Sexual Boundaries, sexual Mastery, and it has taken me on quite some journey over four years to put together a holistic guide and to really speak into all of the communication and embodiment topics that are related to sexual boundaries and sexual limits.

Speaker 2: 3:39

Wow, that's lovely. That's really lovely. And when we talk about this, how can someone recognize that when they are acting against their own sexual boundaries without realizing it?

Speaker 3: 3:54

Well, usually you will feel that in your body and you will also feel that in your energetic body or your emotional body as well. We feel that in your energetic body or your emotional body as well. Usually, when we go over our limits which is unfortunately the most common way that we learn about boundaries and limits is because we go over them or we override them. But we usually feel, you know, our energy drops and we start to lose energy and we can feel shame, we can feel guilt, we can feel very uncomfortable, we can be thinking about the experience long after it's finished, reflecting back on it and, yeah, there's many, many different emotional and and psychological feelings that we feel when we go over our limits.

Speaker 2: 4:56

Okay, okay. And like you mentioned that aligning energy words and actions, like you mentioned that aligning energy words and actions, so what practical steps can someone take to, I mean, start aligning these aspects?

Speaker 3: 5:14

Well, the first thing you've got to know is what you're feeling, what you actually need. Yeah, and for a lot of people, they don't actually know what they need. So it's a self-reflection, it's being able to feel the sensations in your body, being able to hear the different messages and sensations that the body is telling you, so that you can work out what is it that I actually need? What do I need to be relaxed in my arousal? For most people, they're being very stressed or very tense in their arousal. Our conventional sex approach has us approaching sex from quite a tense place, and so you're listening. You're listening to what do I need to relax? So, firstly, you're working out what you need and then you're working out what you want. What do I want? What's the qualities of energy that I want? What would be too much? What would be not enough? What would be too hard? What would be not enough? What would be too hard? What would be too soft? What would be too fast? What would be too slow? What am I really wanting in this experience for myself?

Speaker 2: 6:37

Understood, got it and, like listeners, often struggle with trusting themselves sexually. So where do you suggest that they should start to start? I mean to build that trust.

Speaker 3: 6:55

It's an inside job, self-trust. Conventional sex has us always looking outwards and when we start to move into holistic sex or alternative sex or tantric sex or whatever you want to call it, we start to. It's an inward journey and we start to listen to what's going on inside so that we can come into alignment with our head and our heart and our emotions and our genitals okay and okay.

Speaker 2: 7:29

So what are some common myths, or maybe the misconceptions, about setting boundaries in sexual relationships are is creating a container for our sexual experiences to unfold in.

Speaker 3: 7:58

So in conventional sex, it's close your eyes and hope for the best, and we can see by what's going on in our world that that approach isn't working. And so having conscious sex conversations and creating a conscious sex container where you discuss what you're doing and you discuss what your limits are for the experience and what you're wanting, sets up this beautiful container so everyone knows what they're doing, everyone knows what they're agreeing to, which then allows each person to relax and then allow the spontaneity to happen.

Speaker 2: 8:45

Got it Understood and I mean how do you navigate? I mean understood and and uh, I mean how do you navigate?

Speaker 3: 8:54

I mean the balance between personal boundaries and the partner expectations, without losing that connection oh well, that's why we have conscious sex conversations before we start to touch, because all of those pieces are discussed. Yeah, normally we're not discussing that, and so there's a lot of projection, there's a lot of performance, there's a lot of stress and tension as people are trying to make something happen. We're having conscious sex conversations. We discuss everything. There is no shame anymore when you are conscious and aware and you take the time to communicate, and that's what creates really good quality intimacy so that you have that connection before you actually start touching.

Speaker 2: 9:50

That's true and, like some people, might think that strong boundaries could limit the intimacy. So how would you respond to that kind of concern?

Speaker 3: 10:04

Well, I think we've got to realize that what we're here to do is to meet each other, not where we think we should be, not where we want to be, but to actually meet each other where we're at. And when we start from that place of authenticity, then we can start to really meet each other and we can start to build trust so that we can open at a rate that honors us. We're in conventional sex that's something that is quite foreign and we're not taking the time to communicate. We're not taking, we're not knowing exactly what we're doing. And so you know, we can see by the level of sexual trauma in the world.

Speaker 3: 10:51

You know that that approach just isn't working and you know boundaries and limits are. It's the passageway, it's the rite of passage between making unconscious sex conscious, conscious sex conscious, and in my 23 years of working in this field I've not found another way that really helps couples, clients, lovers, to connect more deeply and build a sustainable sexual connection. It only comes through good, open communication where both people are being upfront, honest, vulnerable and really sharing where they're at, what they want, where they're at and what their limits are. And that's how we really start to build trust, so that you know, those limits can be increased or not. Yeah, our needs are changing every single day. What we needed yesterday is different from what we needed today and is going to be different again tomorrow. So every day, our needs are different, our wants are different, our limits are different. And you know, as lovers, we're really here not to just project our sexuality onto each other.

Speaker 2: 12:18

We're here to act, to honor each other and build quality connection you got it understood and uh, okay, and also like uh, can you share a simple embodiment practice that listeners can try at home to feel more connected to their sexual energy?

Speaker 3: 12:42

Sure, there's four main ways that we get out of the head and into the body, that we get out of the head and into the body, and the first way, of course, is our breath, using our breath, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, breathing into the chest, the lungs, the belly, the pelvic floor, the genitals, and we start. The more and more we breathe, the more and more we feel and the more and more the mind starts to settle. And this is also how we start to move into full-body orgasmic experiences, rather than just a head and genital experience. Yeah, so first we've got the breath, the second is we've got sound. So allowing our sound, sounding our pleasure, and when we sound our pleasure, we amplify what it is that we're feeling. So not only does it give great feedback to our lovers, but it also assists us in being more in the body. It's all about being in the body.

Speaker 3: 13:52

The body is the anchor to the now. The mind is doing past and the mind is doing future. The mind doesn't do now, it's the body that does now. So, first, the breathing helps us to connect and create spaciousness from all of the thoughts and the strategies and the agendas and and that our mind is thinking and then sounding, our pleasure moving our bodies, uh, and then touch. Touch also brings us into our body. So breath, sound, movement and touch are the four ways that we give our mind a rest. We want to leave the mind outside the bedroom and really come into the body and allow the sexual energy through the body, instead of trying to push and to force and to make our sexual energy happen. We don't have to do it. That way we can relax, we can allow the energy through us. Yeah, so there, there's thousands and thousands of different embodiment practices that incorporate breath and sound and movement and touch exactly so.

Speaker 2: 15:11

So so also one thing like what role does communication play in maintaining the sexual mastery? Like, what are some key phrases that can help during the tough conversations?

Speaker 3: 15:29

When it comes to touch, I think the best thing you can ask your partner is how would you like me to touch you? We've got to start expanding our vocabulary. If you don't know how you want to be touched, then it means that you're not connected to your body. So it's an inward journey. We're having a body check-in. What do I need today? Yeah, I might have had a really you know, really stressful, busy day. The last thing I need is stressful sex. Yeah, the touch that I need, maybe nourishing, maybe I need present, nourishing, slow, long strokes. Yeah, so really starting to communicate to your partner. If your partner doesn't know what they want, then wait until they do know what they want. Give them a chance to actually feel into their body. I think this is a really important piece. Otherwise, one person's desire will steamroll the other, or the person that is giving the touch will give the kind of touch that they want to give, and that doesn't always equal what the person who's receiving wants to receive.

Speaker 2: 16:49

Exactly, exactly true.

Speaker 3: 16:51

So our receiver really needs to start to come into their power of being able to feel what they need and feel what they want and be able to articulate and communicate that to their lovers very true, very true.

Speaker 2: 17:08

I totally agree with this and and also like um, I mean, uh, I'm saying this for uh, from uh, uh, listeners perspective. Like um, there will be a lot of people who feel overwhelmed by their sexual story. So, uh, I mean, what's your advice for taking the first step towards rewriting it?

Speaker 3: 17:30

well, the first thing you've got to do is slow down. Yeah, when we're moving fast, we're not feeling. Yeah, so it's slowing down to the speed of our body. Our body works slower than what our mind does. So we want to slow down to hear our body's wisdom, because our body is communicating to us every moment. Yeah, slowing down is the first piece, and we want to move into our sexual experiences from a place of relaxation, as I said before. So how do I prepare myself for moving into a sexual experience? How can I clear the decks of my day, whether I was working, whether I was looking after children, you know, like what do I need to bring myself present? What do I need to bring myself all the way here so that I've cleared the decks of the day and I can actually be here rather than running a lot of stress or being exhausted?

Speaker 2: 18:41

Yeah, Exactly running a lot of stress or being exhausted. Yeah, exactly, and um again, these are all from uh listeners perspective. I'm saying like, I'm thinking like what uh listeners might think about on this. So many listeners would also, uh may, worry that uh how their partner will react when they start enforcing boundaries. So on this, what would you love to advise?

Speaker 3: 19:06

Sure. Well, the first thing is is we're not enforcing. Yeah, we are communicating and we're sharing and we're, you know, really bringing to the table. I think. I think all of us get to a point in our sexual lives where the unconscious way, the conventional way that we've been taught it just doesn't work anymore, and so that's. You know, there's good reason why we have so many people shutting down. Yes, so we're opening up discussion, we're communicating, we're taking the time to have discussions so that both people are being met, not just one person.

Speaker 3: 19:55

Yeah, and I think you know, once you start to practice and you start to feel the level of alignment in yourself, there is an aliveness that wakes up in you. I know, when I first began, 23 years ago, when I first felt my head and my heart and my emotions and my genitals congruently, all in alignment, the level of aliveness and vitality that I felt in my being, in my entire being, was amazing, and that's what inspired, you know, this whole career, because for the first time, I felt really connected in myself. And that's what this is about. Yeah, you're not wanting to make love with someone that is not there or that is not attuned to you, or that is not present or that is not listening, yeah, or is just playing something out. That's the old way that is creating a lot of sexual trauma. We've got to move. We've got to start progressing and growing up, moving into adulting in our sexuality, rather than staying stuck in these teenage expressions and you got it definitely, yeah, and so, uh, like, how can someone overcome the fear of judgment?

Speaker 2: 21:23

because this actually plays a lot and I also get to hear from a lot of listeners I believe their questions will be answered here so if you can share, like, how to overcome that fear of judgment when embracing their authentic desires?

Speaker 3: 21:42

There's no doubt that conscious sex is more vulnerable. It means that you're showing more of yourself than you would in conventional sex. It means that you're going to be honest and you know everyone's pretending they've got a black belt in sexuality, but nobody's you know next to nobody's done the white belt training, so it's like none of us have had a good sex education. Exactly so. It's really. You know, it's really. There's a pivotal, pivotal moment. There's a pivotal time when you've just had enough of the old way, because it doesn't work and it doesn't lead to sustainable sexuality, especially in long-term relationship. And so you know it. It requires courage, it requires willingness, it requires self-commitment that I don't want to go against myself anymore. I want to honor myself, I want to have a deeper connection, I want more. I know there's more, but I don't quite know how to get there. And the way to get there is through communication and through embodiment. They're the two main pathways that we need to upskill with to really become good lovers.

Speaker 2: 23:11

Exactly, that's very important. Yeah, great way you explained. Thank you so much. And also, before we wrap, like for those who feel that their needs are too complex or maybe what shall I say? Unconventional, so how do you guide them to accept and express that these parts of themselves?

Speaker 3: 23:36

What you do in your self-pleasure practice when you're on your own, is your personal journey, yeah. But when you connect to another soul, another human, another being, you have got to be responsible for the impact of your sexual energy on your lovers, of your sexual energy on your lovers. And if you're not communicating, if you're not discussing needs and wants and limits, the likelihood that you are steamrolling your partner is high. It's not to say that you can't express these desires, but your partner has got to give their consent. Your partner may say, oh, that's a little bit too much for me. I'd like to go there, but it's a little. Can we break it down into smaller pieces? Yeah, Can we do it incrementally? Or it may not align with your partner at all.

Speaker 3: 24:48

There's got to be a non-attachment with desires, because if we're just expecting our partner to fulfill our own desires, to fulfill our own desires, then you know sometimes that is not honoring their heart, their soul, their body. Yeah, Everything is different. When you approach your sex with a conscious approach, You're much more likely to get what you want. When you're conscious with it, yeah. When you're honest and upfront and real, yeah. Rather than sneaking in, camouflaging, coming in the back door. You know, can I give you a massage? You know, trying to get your needs met from these different ways instead of just being real and honest and upfront.

Speaker 2: 25:46

That's very true. Yeah, dear listeners, I believe your answer has been. Your question has been answered. Definitely, and if not, if you have any other questions as well, do reach out to Eve. I'll put all the details into the show notes so that you can reach out to her, you can discuss with her, you can consult with her and I believe you'll definitely get the correct answers to your questions. So, thank you, eve.

Speaker 3: 26:14

Uh, thank you, nick and just to let you know that sexual boundaries, sexual mastery, is a complete program, it's a book, uh, and it's available on amazon, uh, so you can get it anywhere in the world. And, um, yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for having me perfect, perfect.

Speaker 2: 26:34

So, as I mentioned, eve, like it's such an insightful conversations on uh sexual boundaries and the mastery, and definitely your wisdom reminds us that true self-expression uh starts from within and and that embracing our authentic selves can be life-changing. So, yeah, and for the listeners I'd love to mention, like uh, always remember that exploring your sexual boundaries isn't about building the walls, but it's all about setting the stage for the deeper and more fulfilling connections. So, if you are inspired to take the next step of your journey, check out Eve's book Sexual Boundaries Sexual Mastery, as she has already mentioned. I'll also make sure to mention the Amazon link for your reference and do follow her work for more transformative insights. So, until next time, keep exploring, keep curious and always honor your pleasure principles. So this is your host, avik, signing off. Thank you so much.