Embracing Intimacy Beyond Physical Boundaries - Annie Temple

Experience a fresh perspective on intimacy as we welcome Annie Temple, an intimacy specialist and erotic entrepreneur with over 25 years of expertise. Discover how to redefine intimacy beyond the physical realm, focusing on emotional connection, openness, and vulnerability. Annie and I unravel the importance of communication and eye contact in forming genuine bonds, and we spotlight the pressing need for better education around nurturing these connections.

We tackle the often-unspoken link between intimacy and shame, dissecting how cultural influences can instill embarrassment around personal desires. Our discussion illuminates the path to self-acceptance by understanding personal needs and how this awareness enhances intimate relationships. We further explore the hurdles faced in long-term relationships, examining how misconceptions about intimacy can lead to disconnect and how touch and emotional bonding can bridge the gap without the need for physical acts.

Join us as we journey into the realm of self-discovery, highlighting the role of self-awareness and self-acceptance in building authentic connections. From the power of personal constitutions to confronting negative self-talk, we share strategies for aligning one's actions with core values. Embrace the transformative power of body confidence and spiritual practice to foster empathy and acceptance. This episode promises to challenge societal norms and inspire personal growth, encouraging you to embrace the pleasure principles in all aspects of life.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Intimacy Beyond Physical Touch
• 5:45 Navigating Shame and Intimacy
• 10:27 Embracing Intimacy Beyond Physical Boundaries
• 15:34 Developing Intimacy Through Self-Discovery
• 19:48 Embracing Self-Acceptance and Intimacy
• 27:55 Embracing Pleasure Principles

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Sensuality is an enriching experience that transcends mere physical touch. It invites us to explore openness and vulnerability, creating deeper connections with others. By engaging in mindful touch, we enhance our awareness of each other's desires and boundaries. This practice cultivates intimacy, as it encourages honest communication and emotional safety. Each caress becomes a dialogue between bodies, transcending words and allowing us to connect on a profound level. Embracing the art of sensuality fosters trust, reigniting passion and curiosity in relationships. It's a journey of discovery, inviting us to celebrate the beauty of human connection through the transformative power of touch.

Speaker 2: 0:59

Hey everyone, welcome to Pleasure Principles, where we dive deep into the untold truths about connection, love and everything in between. I'm your host, avik, and today we are exploring the profound and sometimes misunderstood world of intimacy. Yes, so joining us today is Annie Temple, so welcome to the show, annie.

Speaker 3: 1:21

Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2: 1:23

Lovely, lovely. So, annie, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, annie is an intimacy specialist, erotic entrepreneur and fearless living coach with over 25 plus years of experience in the adult entertainment industry in the adult entertainment industry. So Annie's experiences, from stripping to becoming a best-selling author and navigating life-altering health challenges, have given her unique insights into what it truly means to connect deeply with others and ourselves. So get ready for an honest, empowering and eye-opening discussion on the art and science of intimacy. So, without further ado, let's jump in. Welcome to the show again, annie.

Speaker 3: 2:15

Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited. I love this subject matter.

Speaker 2: 2:21

I'm grateful that you joined and you got time for this, so thank you so much for joining, and so I'll quickly start with. I mean, what does true intimacy mean to you? I mean beyond the physical aspect.

Speaker 3: 2:37

And a lot of people do get that confused. A lot of I find, especially men feel that intimacy is referencing sex specifically. But for a lot of women, that's not what we think of when we think of intimacy. We think of the talking, the eye contact, the flirting, the teasing, the stuff that happens before you get in the mood or that leads you to get in the mood to sex, or even if you can't have sex for whatever reason, or that's not what you're looking for. Intimacy is the just, the, like you said, the connection of being able to open yourself up, mind and soul, to another human being. That's what I, that's what I would say great, great, yeah, definitely, definitely, yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:32

I I also feel like sometimes we uh get confused about this thing, like, uh, oh, intimacy, okay, that means you're talking about sex, so, which is which is not exactly true.

Speaker 3: 3:43

It's, it's, definitely, it's it's uh, quite a difference, yeah yes, it's a huge difference and it's it makes such a huge difference in the sexual experience. So that's that's why I feel like it's so uh important and it's something that we don't teach our children. We don't teach them. We'll teach them how to have sex, like how to put the penis into the vagina and how to use condoms and all of that kind of stuff, but we don't generally teach our children about connection and the importance of it and how to build that or create that, especially in a romantic situation. Especially in a romantic situation.

Speaker 2: 4:22

Exactly, exactly. So now, on this, definitely, thanks for reminding this, definitely. And on this, I'm coming up with one question which is very, very important in terms of a lot of things. I definitely do not want to mention that because we are online, definitely, but we often hear about the education right, the sex education, which there are a lot of taboos, a lot of taboos in a lot of countries, definitely in India as well, definitely. So we feel somehow it's a shame and we do not teach our children about the sex or the intimacy, how much it impacts when men or women, when they grew up and when they try to find that themselves and they come up with a lot of hurdles. So where is the gap? I mean, is it their problem or is it something? Education should be there? So what do you? What do you?

Speaker 3: 5:30

yeah, definitely. I mean education should be there, for sure, but it's hard to educate when most adults don't even know the answer to that question. It's and that is the problem, because we we were taught that. But honestly, the sad part about it is, like you mentioned, the shame that comes when people don't have an understanding of intimacy and don't understand the feeling of accepting your own desires and needs without feeling bad about it. For instance, I recently had a person I have an Ask Annie page on my website where people can send anonymous questions to me and then I answer them and it's an audio question and an audio response.

Speaker 3: 6:22

And I had a young man recently ask the question of is it bad to masturbate and watch porn? And this is very culturally specific. As well as how we're raised, it's the people that are around us that can make us feel really ashamed for wanting to touch ourselves, for instance, but touching ourselves is actually can be extremely beneficial. It can teach you how to be pleasured so that you can teach a partner, and it can fulfill some of those needs that you have without having to seek a partner, and it also allows you to have all of those feel-good hormones going through your body, which I think is healthy. It's just always healthy. And if you look at even studies on sexual libido, or even for men, like the actual ability to have an erection, the longer you go without, you know, having an erection or doing those things that use it or lose it, kind of thing you know.

Speaker 3: 7:36

So when we shame people for things like masturbation, for instance, then that really sets them up for you know, for having problems getting their needs met in general and in a relationship, and in a relationship for sure, like there's so much shame, body shame is such a huge part of intimacy that interferes with intimacy, intimacy that interferes with intimacy.

Speaker 3: 8:07

So when we should be in that moment of feeling the hormones of arousal and love and connection, and then our head goes to, oh, he's grabbing my fat on my stomach or, oh, I wonder if she's, you know, noticing that my dick isn't very hard or whatever it is, and then your head goes into this body shaming cycle and it gets rid of the feeling of intimacy, it gets rid of the connection and they each person has no idea that the other person is really not thinking about the flaws. No one is, you know, in the midst of a lovemaking session and thinking about their partner's flaws. We're all thinking the same thing, whether we're male or female, and what we're thinking is I hope my partner's enjoying this, and that is that. That's what we're thinking. And if we know that that's what our partner is thinking, then we can let them know whether it's just gentleness or more aggressiveness, or, uh, you know how you do it or what you do, or it's, it's.

Speaker 2: 9:32

You know communication I, I don't, I totally agree on this. I mean, uh, it's, it's all about like, uh, uh, the fear. If the fear pressure, like, and how, how the person with whom I'm connected, how that person is judging it can be both the gender or any gender. So so, yeah, definitely, it impacts definitely.

Speaker 3: 9:58

Isn't that funny, though, because when you tell people that it makes so much sense, but at the time when we're in, in those moments we don't. Our, our minds take over and they, they bring us out of this spiritual place. Which connection is a spiritual experience, and it's such a profound and beautiful and incredible experience that I feel very sad for people who don't have connection in their lives. And it's common in long-term marriages, where the connection starts to deteriorate and it can become to the point where it can't be renewed, the connection cannot be regained and a lot of people will just stay in those marriages. And I'll see, you know, in my practice, a lot of men whose wives don't even seem to need intimacy anymore, their husbands actually believe their wives don't need intimacy anymore, and I know that's not true.

Speaker 3: 10:59

I know that every single human being needs intimacy, but these women have convinced themselves and their partner that they don't need it, and it's because they have less sexual desire, and so, in an effort to avoid having to have sex, they're also avoiding intimacy, which is so sad to me, because you can have an amazing intimate relationship with someone and not have sex, and also there's also you know, this brings to mind relationships where people have health issues and they can't have sex Perhaps erectile dysfunction, a surgery, any kind of thing, like in my case, I had ostomy surgery and because they removed my rectum, which is right beside my vaginal canal, sex is painful for me, so I have to wait until I've really fully healed before I can have penetrative sex again.

Speaker 3: 12:02

But that doesn't mean that I can't have intimacy and I consider it sex when I make love to someone and make out with them.

Speaker 3: 12:12

There doesn't have to be penetration involved. And so if that is the problem for the women, so for instance, some women, they say they get into menopause and thankfully this hasn't happened to me and I hope it doesn't but that menopause can cause the vagina to change in a way that sex can become painful, and so I wonder if this is one of the issues that women are experiencing and so, instead of trying to find a way to enjoy themselves sexually, because they don't even realize that there is a sex life without penetrative sex, you know, and that that's a huge eye opening thing for a lot of people, as a person who does gives massages and works in intimacy, as a person who does gives massages and works in intimacy, uh like there's no sex involved in the work that I do, but it's still very impactful and it's because it's it's the gen generating that that intimate, uh trusting spiritual connection that really every single one of us longs for, even if we don't know it.

Speaker 2: 13:26

Exactly True and um connection that really every single one of us longs for, even if we don't know it exactly. True and um.

Speaker 3: 13:30

On this like uh for those like uh, who say that they are quite busy or too busy for the meaningful connection, so for them.

Speaker 2: 13:36

What do you uh advise?

Speaker 3: 13:37

oh, I'm one of those people I, you know. Covid really hit it home for me. I was lucky because of my work that I get to have these connections through my work, because when all of a sudden all of my socialization was gone and I realized I didn't really have any close friends because I've just been busy, realized I didn't really have any close friends because I've just been busy and I haven't nurtured friendships, so that really showed me how important it is and what I would say to people who are too busy. I would say that the internet is the opposite of intimate and although we can meet people and we can find like-minded, incredible people online and it's a wonderful space to find people, that it doesn't replace or fulfill our desire and our need for in-person connections, for in-person connections. And if people aren't making themselves do that, then they're going to suffer because of it, especially if they get into a position where they're sick or something like COVID happens again and you find yourself really isolated and you don't even have the practice of asking people to meet your needs because you've just rejected it from your life and focused on everything except so then when you really do want to ask people for those needs, those intimacy needs, you feel scared and it's very uncomfortable to ask because you haven't had the practice and you're not used to it and it's fear holds us back. We don't want to be vulnerable, we don't want to show weakness and we don't want to burden other people, but people need to be burdened. We want to be burdened, we want to love each other, we want to be there for each other. So that's something we have to remind ourselves.

Speaker 3: 15:34

And even myself I recently went through like hospitalization and one of my girlfriends, when I was going through the whole process, I never messaged her and she said to me why didn't you message me? And I had thought about it, I had thought about it but I didn't want to burden her. So, even knowing all of this and as all this time, I still, when I was in that state, I had those fears of being a burden, fears of imposing on other people. So I know that that's a huge block for intimacy and for connection, because we were scared to actually admit that we need it or want it. But it is so important. So I you know that even going through that myself, I was like geez. You know, I need to remind myself when I'm in those kinds of situations that it's okay and even good to ask people to be there for you. They wanted me to, you know.

Speaker 2: 16:39

Yeah, wow. So okay, I mean also like how can someone start building more intimate authentic relationships with themselves? I guess this will be much more complex.

Speaker 3: 17:00

Excuse me, yeah, no, that's. I think it's actually the most important thing to, before you start thinking about relationships, is to really get to know yourself, because if you don't know who you are, then you won't know what kind of partner is right for you and a lot of people. And this is why I think people who see intimacy providers that this can be really beneficial in a lot of ways. It can meet the needs that they have so that they don't become too dependent too quickly on the first person that pays attention to them, so they become more discerning in who they want to actually have a meaningful relationship with or, you know, a monogamous relationship with. It allows them to not feel like, oh God, I just wish someone would love me, because they're getting that intimacy requirement met in their lives. And it gives them an opportunity to practice practice being charming, practice, grooming, practice, looking you know, dressing up to look good for your date with the sex worker. There are a lot of benefits, I think, to seeing intimacy providers. If that's a block for you, if you feel like you need to get more confidence before you start to go out, and if you can find the right one, someone like me.

Speaker 3: 18:26

What I specialize in is seeing people's beauty and then drawing their attention to it and reminding them of who they are, because we all have something about us that's fascinating and funny, excuse me and beautiful and special, and, like there's so many, we all have these qualities, but they're hidden because nobody gets to know us. And so the first step really is get to know yourself, find out who you are, and one of the things I always recommend to people is to write a personal constitution, which is basically, you write down who you want to be and you think of like, for instance, if you died and people were at your funeral talking about you, what would you want them to say? And then you write those things as I am or you know, in the present tense, and then read them every day. Read them every day because you start to know who you are and you realize these are the values I want to live by, and you also realize that sometimes you don't live by the values you want to live by. And you also realize that sometimes you don't live by the values you want to live by, but you didn't even realize it because you didn't figure out what they are and make an effort to live your life by them.

Speaker 3: 19:48

So a personal constitution to me is so huge Learning to stop the negative self-talk that's so important and turn it into positive instead of negative. That is like a huge superpower and we all have it. We all can access that superpower. We just have to try. And it does take practice, and I feel like that's why they call it spiritual practice, because you have to keep doing it. Like me, like me years and years of doing my spiritual practice and I still felt like I didn't want to burden someone when I was sick. So it's something that we don't just heal from our fears. They don't go away. We just have to keep confronting them and learning and leaning into them and learning through them. So that's a huge thing.

Speaker 3: 20:39

And getting to know yourself also allows you to, like I said, figure out what kind of partner you really want, because it's just not.

Speaker 3: 20:51

You know, I see a lot of people and this is not a judgment at all, because I know loneliness is it's rampant but I see a lot of people who will jump into long-term or serious, committed relationships before they really even know the person.

Speaker 3: 21:08

Or you know one after another, which means they're not being very discerning, and I used to be that kind of person and I was looking just for the connection. I just needed someone to fill that lonely void in my life, and so the first person that the puzzle fit together and I would go all in. And I don't do that anymore because I know who I am. Now I really know who I am, and that of course, comes with age, but it can come at a younger age if you really spend time getting to know yourself and asking yourself who am I and who am I? The answer to that question is what are the values that you want to live by, what are the values you truly want to live by, and then that allows you to be more open to connections with people, because you know who your authentic self is, and so you can be more authentic in your interactions with others.

Speaker 2: 22:00

Exactly Lovely. So thanks for sharing this. And also one more thing, like in between, I just missed asking this thing. So we were talking about shame, and from there we moved to the body confidence. So what do you say to those who actually struggle with their body confidence and feel like it impacts their intimacy?

Speaker 3: 22:28

Well, I mean, that's something I haven't mentioned in this interview, but I have an ostomy, which is a poop bag on my stomach. I have a lot of scars I have. I can't have sex. I have so many things that would, should and would make me feel very body self-conscious or insecure or feel like how could someone find me attractive, how could someone want to love me, someone find me attractive, how could someone want to love me? And the way that I've been able to overcome that and not allow it to interfere with my opportunities for intimacy is it's that. It's two excuse me, two things really. One is stoicism.

Speaker 3: 23:15

Stoicism teaches us that everything about every single one of us is natural. Everything, everything we go through, is natural. Everything we've been through is natural as human beings. It is part of the human condition. A snail or a dog, they have snail problems and dog problems. And humans, we have human problems, and our human problems can be diseases. They can be the size of our dick or our breasts. You know, when I was young, I was super insecure about my boobs because they were tiny. And you know our scars, our ability or inability to get an erection. These are all body self-conscious types of things that we have, but when we realize that we're not alone, that this is just part of the human condition. This isn't just me and my flaw. This is a part of being human. We all have our human condition and we don't own any of it. So I don't own, you know, the poop bag. I don't own any kind of flaws. They're just part of being human. So recognizing that and being able to accept ourselves as just this is just natural. This is just life and I'm going to accept myself this way. And it also allows us to accept others and be less judgmental of others, because we can say, oh my God, that person went bankrupt. Well, it's a human problem. Humans go bankrupt, you know, it's part of the human condition and we can look at other people as well as ourselves with more empathy.

Speaker 3: 25:02

The second part for me, which I think is really powerful, and it's a tool that I use, that I really highly recommend other people to use, and it's called visualization, and it would entail so, in my case, before I had my ostomy surgery, I would visualize myself doing all the things that I want to do with my life with an ostomy, and so I would visualize myself dancing and I would visualize myself speaking to large crowds and I would visualize myself making love and all the things that I want to do without fear or shame, and in my visualization it would just be totally normal, totally fine.

Speaker 3: 25:44

Everything would be just like it would be if I didn't have an ostomy, and after even just a few days of doing that, I was able to look at my ostomy as just normal part of my life. So this is something that other people can do, like if they feel insecure about something about their body. They can visualize themselves once a day, sit down for five minutes and put some music on the same song every day, so that you have like a trigger that goes along with that song, and then you just visualize yourself doing the things that you want to do, just the way you are, with confidence, happiness, love and no insecurities. And it's fascinating how powerful our minds are that we can actually become to the point where we actually manifest that attitude when we're in, when we're facing those situations perfect, lovely, great, great.

Speaker 2: 26:41

So thank you, annie, for sharing your uh rich experiences, I would say, and deep wisdom with us today. So definitely, your story is a kind of reminder that intimacy is more than just a moment and it's a journey of the trust, vulnerability and self-acceptance. So, on this, for the listeners I'd love to mention, like do not afraid to seek deeper connections and redefine intimacy in your own terms. So always remember that the true connection starts from within. So, uh, any like, if someone wants to connect with you for any discussions, or if you have to offer any resources or something, what that will be if you can share you can find me on my website, annietemplecom, and you can follow me on socials.

Speaker 3: 27:32

I answer all my messages. You can go to ask annie page and ask your question via audio. There's lots of ways to interact with me and I really hope and encourage you to sign up for my newsletter and you'll get a free gift just for signing up. So please sign up to my newsletter lovely, lovely, great, great.

Speaker 2: 27:55

So, dear listeners, I'll put all the links into the show notes. It'll be much easier for all of you to reach out to her, understand the world of intimacy. So keep tuning in for more conversations that challenges the norms and inspire growth. So this is your host, avik, signing off. Stay connected, stay curious and keep embracing your pleasure principles. So, with this, thank you so much.

Speaker 3: 28:20

Thank you.