Navigating Stress and Healing Trauma for Resilient Relationships - Lolita Guarin

Join us on an intriguing journey with Lolita Guarin, a stress management coach and acclaimed author, as she unpacks the intricate connections between stress, childhood trauma, and relationship dynamics. Lolita shares her personal transformation from burnout to a beacon of resilience, offering insights into managing stress holistically without medication. As we navigate the complex landscape of emotional wounds and how they mold our adult lives, we dive into understanding the root causes of people-pleasing and boundary challenges that often originate from unhealed childhood experiences.

This episode sheds light on the influence of parental relationships on our stress levels and relationship choices in adulthood. Reflecting on her own childhood, Lolita explores how growing up with an alcoholic father shaped her stress management approach and personal relationships. By unraveling recurring patterns linked to past traumas, she emphasizes the significance of self-awareness in breaking these cycles. With practical techniques like meditation and yoga, we discuss their role in stress relief and maintaining emotional well-being while acknowledging their limitations in addressing deeper, underlying issues.

Finally, we embrace the healing journey from childhood trauma, highlighting self-care, forgiveness, and hope as transformative forces. Through personal stories, Lolita inspires listeners to prioritize their well-being and cultivate patience and kindness towards themselves and others. The conversation extends a lifeline of support, providing practical tips for managing stress and fostering genuine self-worth. Don't miss the opportunity to tap into Lolita's wisdom as she guides us through the ongoing journey of healing, resilience, and creating a fulfilling life.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Sensuality and Overcoming Stress
• 6:12 Understanding Childhood Trauma and Stress
• 11:46 Breaking Relationship Patterns and Addressing Stress
• 20:47 Navigating Trauma Healing and Self-Trust
• 24:35 Healing From Childhood Trauma and Stress

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Sensuality is an enriching experience that transcends mere physical touch. It invites us to explore openness and vulnerability, creating deeper connections with others. By engaging in mindful touch, we enhance our awareness of each other's desires and boundaries. This practice cultivates intimacy, as it encourages honest communication and emotional safety. Each caress becomes a dialogue between bodies, transcending words and allowing us to connect on a profound level. Embracing the art of sensuality fosters trust, reigniting passion and curiosity in relationships. It's a journey of discovery, inviting us to celebrate the beauty of human connection through the transformative power of touch.

Speaker 2: 0:59

Hi Lolita, hello Hi hi, how are you?

Speaker 3: 1:04

I'm good. Good, it's a Saturday morning here. Where are you?

Speaker 2: 1:09

Oh, I am speaking in from India and it's Saturday night actually, 10.30pm for me.

Speaker 3: 1:16

Oh my gosh, that's so late. You installed your interview so late.

Speaker 2: 1:21

Yes, I'm completely used to it. You, you know it's like my daily schedule, so I'm totally finding it, you know, so excited and I'm really, really looking forward to our conversation because I am filling in for ravik today and my name is sana. I uh co-host along with him. Uh, you know, one of our many shows, so, uh, it's really nice to meet you, lolita.

Speaker 3: 1:46

Oh well, nice to meet you too, and then thank you for inviting on your on your show.

Speaker 2: 1:50

Thank, you, thank you, and which part of the world you are from.

Speaker 3: 1:54

So, I am from Lithuania, but I live now in US in Houston.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Oh lovely, lovely, great, great Lolita. So let me introduce you to the format of the show here. So this is a 30 minutes of conversation we are going to have and it's an audio podcast and we will have a great discussion. You know about, you know, stress, childhood trauma and how these experiences kind of influence our choices in our lives and especially in relationships. You know, which is kind of one of the core topics in Pleasure Principles, so really excited to have the discussion with you. We will start with an intro and then we will proceed to questions around this topic. Okay, great, and we'll release this episode tomorrow only and also, once it's released, we'll share the episode link with you in email and on pod match so you can share it across your platform and socials as well oh, thank you.

Speaker 3: 2:58

That's great, and also I'm very impressed that you can work so fast and already release it tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 3:03

Wow, that's that's impressive, thank you. Thank you, lalita. So shall we begin? Yes, please. Okay. Hello and welcome listeners to pleasure principles with your host, sana. Get ready to explore the connections between life's biggest challenges and our deepest joys in the coolest, most intriguing ways possible. Today we are diving into stress, childhood trauma and how these experiences especially influence our choices in relationships. And who's better to guide us than the amazing lolita guaran? She is a four-time number one best-selling amazon author, stress management coach and a powerhouse of inspiration. Lolita story of overcoming burnout and uncovering the roots of her stress is nothing short of transformative. So grab your favorite drink, lean in and let's untangle the roots of stress to find your path to resilience and joy. So, lolita, welcome to the show and it is an absolute pleasure having you with us today.

Speaker 3: 4:24

Well, thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me. It's an honor to be speaking with you today as well.

Speaker 2: 4:30

Great Lolita, before you realized that you needed to manage stress and you ventured into the world of stress management, into the world of stress management. What was your journey like? What was the turning point or the moment?

Speaker 3: 4:48

I came to from my American dream to the US 24 years ago and I was working a lot and doing a lot of overtime and it came to the point that I was not really taking care of myself physically and emotionally, and to the point that my health really was impacted. And the doctor said I better be taking care of myself because the stress really messed up my hormones in my body and that almost didn't go well at all and I was like I cannot believe it didn't go well at all and I was like I cannot believe it. I'm in my 30s and I already have health problems, you know, which probably a lot of people can relate. And you know, when doctors said, well, no, it's just, it's stress, you really need to start taking care of that, you know everybody around me said, well, first of all, we all have stress in our lives. So, you know, there was a big eye roll. And the second is like, well, you know, just go pop a pill and you'll be fine, and I'm like I don't want to medicate myself. Obviously, there are other ways that we can manage stress, which I call the stress management bandages, which is, you know. Everybody know by now that you know, yes, we need to drink water, we need to have proper nutrition, we need to exercise, meditation, yoga all of those great things that everybody preaches us to do and it helped a lot.

Speaker 3: 6:12

And then I became a stress management coach, and that was over 10 years ago now, but it still felt to me like there was something else. That is just kind of not a complete picture. And then one day I was reading a book about how to get more coaching clients, which is about purely business and the author of the book mentioned that she grew up with an alcoholic father. And guess what I was like? Oh my gosh, my dad was alcoholic as well.

Speaker 3: 6:38

And then when I start diving into a whole childhood trauma and just having an environment that someone grows up not being supported emotionally, you know and and from aside looks great, you know, like my mom took care of everything. You know, I went to school, I was a good student and all of this looks like a great, amazing family, but apparently I was not supported emotionally and there were so many things that that I was always not feeling safe in the environment. So I was always anxious and stressed out. That was my like by default.

Speaker 3: 7:12

So then, when I was overworking myself and not taking care of my body, my mind and everything that's my body said listen, I cannot do this anymore, and that's how I became sick. I cannot do this anymore and that's how I became sick. And that's where I realized that how we all manage stress is not necessarily depends on those bandages, you know, meditation, writing, you know, and drinking water and all that. It also has to do how wounded we are. You need to address the wound first in order to manage your life and your stress levels as well I think it's, it's more of understanding the root cause and acting upon it, you know.

Speaker 2: 7:54

So that's that's a great uh, that can be a great takeaway for all of our listeners also and someone who is listening to this conversation and undergoing through, maybe similar experiences or any kind of stress. So, thank you, thank you so much for sharing this with all of us, lolita. Uh, now another important aspect. You know how? How do childhood experiences like trauma or deep-rooted trauma impact the way we handle stress as adults?

Speaker 3: 8:28

So, for example, you know I can, you know we can talk about how we handle relationships that are could be romantic relationships or even family relationships with your sisters, with your parents, or even relationships in the workplace that has to do with your co-workers, and I do coaching. So I have clients that come to me and they say I'm stressed out, burnout, I'm doing so much, I am getting physically sick, I'm not happy and let's do something. And all of this, uh, it depends on how wounded you were when you were a child. And you know there are people who can say, oh well, now I had a very happy childhood. I think we all are wounded. That's somehow some. We all have childhood trauma because, let's just face it, being a, a human being born, it's already traumatic. But it depends, how much do you have of that we have? Some of us have more, some of us have less.

Speaker 3: 9:32

But specifically what I want to point out that so some adults who are listening right now and they're like, well, gosh, I don't even know. We know, am I impacted by this or not? Simply just you can ask yourself are you a people pleaser, am I impacted by this or not? Simply just you can ask yourself are you a people pleaser, you know, like, do you want to please everyone and you want to be, you know, always nice and, let's say, in the workplace environment, you're always there for everybody else to take care of it. If people come to you and they say, hey, can you take care of this too? You say yes, of course, because you're free to say no. Do you always want to be like the best employee? You always want to be the best child, you know. Do you always want to achieve things? Do you afraid to uh, to even have any boundaries, because you think you constantly need to serve. And that goes the same for the any workplace environment, for any, any relationship.

Speaker 3: 10:22

And you know, I, I love uh, I listen a lot and they follow the doctor, uh, gabber mate probably I'm pronouncing his name wrong, but, um, he does a lot about the childhood trauma and what it really helped me to understand, you know, when he said if you in your childhood were not appreciated and seen and validated enough as a child for who you are, just the way you are, without doing anything special, just purely how you are, then because we're children, we feel unsafe and we need to be fed and taken care of, then we become somebody else, we become more achieving, we become useful. We think if I'm useful, then they will not get rid of me. So that's where it comes this people-pleasing from. It comes of this constant need that you need to be validated.

Speaker 3: 11:13

You constantly need to achieve things. You want to have a bigger house, you want to have a bigger car. You need to achieve things. Or like even having you know in the family dynamics it's like, oh, I'm going to be the mother who never takes a break because I want to sacrifice myself for my children, and that sacrifice shows that you're not comfortable, full of being of you. That's why it can be very stressful, because you don't even give yourself a break, you do not even give yourself permission to relax yeah, I, I agree with that.

Speaker 2: 11:44

I agree with that. Um, and why do you think people often repeat relationship patterns, uh, tied to their past traumas?

Speaker 3: 11:54

So I can say, talking about me personally, you know, when I realized that. So basically, my relationship with my dad just made me to see how the relationships are in general. Relationships are in general so meaning I'm going to do everything and the men in my relationship should do very little and I'm okay with that. There was no boundaries, constant people pleasing and a constant fear of abandonment. So then I replicated the same thing in my relationships too and I got married and now I'm divorced. But I was in a marriage that pretty much replicated my relationship with my dad. He was just doing whatever he wants to do.

Speaker 3: 12:34

I'm always a good wife. Everything is taken care of. I cook, I clean and making sure he's happy. I work full day. I come back and still continue working, like a lot of women these days do. Like you have to take care of everybody and afraid even to take care of your own needs, because first of all, when you come from a childhood trauma, you feel guilty and you feel ashamed even to recognize that you have any needs. Like you have a need to rest, you have to give yourself a break. But we think that if we will just not do anything, we'll be seen as useless and that will be discarded. So there's a lot of this fear of abandonment that can that pushing us to continue doing, to the point that we burn our stress out and we become physically sick.

Speaker 2: 13:23

Yeah, yeah, yes, I a hundred percent agree with that and I I would like to, to you know, have your opinion on this. Some say stress is just a part of modern life. So how do you respond to those who believe it's unavoidable?

Speaker 3: 13:43

so I think that stress is obviously going to be there. But it's like, imagine like your life is like a car that you drive and you have to maintain that car. It's like you know your body, it's your, your vehicle, and if we just don't take care of it and we allow ourselves to constantly stress, then we're not maintaining that car. So, no matter where we go, we will have difficulty getting there. But it's all about how we take the stress itself as well.

Speaker 3: 14:15

It was very interesting for me personally to realize that, because I come from an environment where I didn't feel safe because, you know, I don't know when my dad's going to come back drunk and I'm only one child, so it was very stressful and very lonely because I have nobody else to run, just hide if my mom or dad is drunk. So because of that environment and because I was not feeling safe, I was just afraid of that. So much of that rejection that I will just put up with anything that was thrown my way. Much of that rejection that I will just put up with anything that was thrown my way. And also because I was in a constant fight or flight mode. That was my default. I made everything big deal, everything became like catastrophizing. No, I'm not pronouncing this right. So every little thing in my life when I was adult, I was thinking it like this is very big deal, and I noticed with a lot of us adults there's always a question is like is it really that big of a deal as we think it is? Because there's so many times that you know, like, for example, somebody will be sitting in traffic, you know, and there's somebody in the car could cut you off.

Speaker 3: 15:25

There's so much of triggering happening that moment and there was so much of we take personally that we really need to ask ourselves, like do we really need to get upset right now and yell at that person because they cut me off? You know, when I used to be that driver and then when I start working on myself and on my stress level, I realized that I'm in control of like simple situations let's just talk about simple situations here where I can just not react to that. So now when somebody cuts me off in traffic, you know what they tell myself they probably need to pee, they're in a hurry because they really need to use the restroom, and then I gotta make something. You know, like, maybe there is a reason. So let's just take a call, because you always need to ask yourself who is really that moment uh, is it hurting me? Is it hurting me or is it hurting them? Like, is it really worth it?

Speaker 3: 16:14

Or there are so many times we can wind up over other people, opinions about news and and different things, of course, especially in the things that really matter to us but we need to ask ourselves, like, because I'm gonna get angry right now, is that going to really help me? Can I control that issue? Can I really control that? So it first starts with start paying attention to your, to your behavior and what things that are triggering you, because some things will be more triggering than others and it doesn't mean that you really you know. Just ask yourself maybe I just can't let this go, like there's a question doesn't matter, will it make a difference five years from now in your life? If it doesn't make no difference, then just just let it go definitely wow, wow, that's.

Speaker 2: 16:59

That's a great answer. And now listeners often hear about meditation and yoga, and you also said in the beginning, for you know, stress relief. So how do these compare, uh to addressing deeper, underlying traumas?

Speaker 3: 17:19

so I think there's a lot of stress happening and we worry a lot of the things that we cannot control, for example, like the future or the people in our lives, or worry about you know what will happen. And there's always this overthinking and analyzing. And so, you know, I did yoga and I do meditation and it's like, if I will, you know all day long will be worrying about something. And then I go into meditation and of course it's a very great tool, but I am pretty sure I'm going to get out of that meditation and will continue worrying about the same thing. Meditation itself is not going to solve the issue. Everything is in your mind. So I recommend my um. My clients, you know, set an appointment with yourself to worry. Okay, so you can have a little notebook on we have phones, write it down the list that, let's say, you're going about your day and there's something that you get to worry about, like, oh my gosh, I'm not going to get this raise or I don't know is my child will get home, or you know whatever or any any worry. And then you open your phone and you write it down that worry. And then you open your phone and you write it down that worry and then you make an appointment with yourself and you say you know what, I'm going to worry about this later, not right now. I'm going to worry about that later. What happens this moment is that you honor your feelings. You did not discard them, you did not. Just, you know, talk to yourself like a parent and say, don't you, don't you stop worrying? You know that's the worst thing you can do, but you honor yourself and say you know what I'm going to, I'm going to address this issue. So then you say maybe tomorrow, Tuesdays, at 3 pm, this is your worrying time. Okay, Then you go to open that list and you look through all of those items. I guarantee you a lot of those items on that list. It will be nothing to worry about anymore because they sold themselves or you found them now kind of funny because, like, well, of course this is not going to happen, like, of course.

Speaker 3: 19:17

The second thing that I also recommend a lot is, if there's an issue that we worry a lot, we need to write it down, the list of things, what you will do if this thing happens. So you're introducing yourself to the worst case scenario and, for example, like, let's say, somebody is worrying right now that they will lose a job. And you can say, okay, what's the worst thing that can happen? Okay, well, I'm going to lose my job. Then I'm going to run out of money. Okay, I run out of money, what else I'm going to do? Okay, well, I guess I need to go find another job. Okay, what else? Let's say, you do not get the job, okay, then I'm gonna ask my parents for money. Okay, what's then? Okay, I'll run out of money. Okay, what's then? I'm gonna go and live in the basement, and what's the worst that can happen.

Speaker 3: 19:56

And then, until to the point that you get and you realize you are not going to die because our brain works on survivalism. So, if you get to the worst case scenario and you kind of prove it to yourself that the worst case happens and you're really not going to die and of course I'm talking about things, I'm not talking about illnesses or diseases, and you know that's a little bit different and I don't want to get into this. This is a professional doctor conversation, of course, but I'm talking about a lot of those worries that we can control and it's like OK, so basically, what happens? You take care and prepare yourself in your brain for this path. And what happens when you already went that path, even if it's imaginary, you kind of saw that, hey, you know what, it's not pleasant, but I'm not really like, I'm not going to die, we will figure these things out. And then you prepare that plan.

Speaker 3: 20:47

So, if you think that you will lose your job, how about starting working on your resume now? How about making calls and thinking, hey, you know what will I do, what's the plan B, what's the plan C? And prepare ahead of time? But because when you start preparing ahead of time for the worst case scenario, you're telling yourself that you can control this and because you can control it, you feel safer. And the more of this controlling you will do, um, taking things in your own hands, then you will gain trust with yourself and the more trust in yourself and your abilities and you haven't built over time, you will be much better at managing stress, because you will know that, no matter what happens, you'll be able to handle it yep, yep, that's true.

Speaker 2: 21:43

Um so why do we pick partners who mirror unresolved wounds or you know from our past? You know, is it subconscious, or do we seek kind of a comfort or closure within that?

Speaker 3: 21:51

So I agree with all of what you said, because it really depends on what point we're going to look at it. I heard a lot of opinions that we want the closure and we want a resolution and things, but the thing is it all comes from our needs. We need to be satisfied and we need to feel safe in order to live, and those are our needs. We need to be satisfied and we need to feel safe in order to live, and those are our needs. But what gets sad and I think it's sad, the right word is that our needs.

Speaker 3: 22:22

If you grew up in the environment that you are not happy and not feeling safe, that's going to be your need not to be safe. That's going to be your need to be neglected. That's going to be your need to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Because for you, when you were growing up, let's say, having a narcissist parent in your family was your normal. That was your normal thing. What helped you to survive. So, um, our brain loves safety, you know? I just I just told you that it's all about the control and feeling safe. So you feel safe in your normal environment. So if your normal is to live with a narcissist what you learned. You will seek another narcissist to live with, because that's all you know, even though if it's really, really hurting you, yeah, great, great.

Speaker 2: 23:19

And before we wrap up, can healing trauma ever feel like a betrayal to the version of ourselves that survived through it?

Speaker 3: 23:31

so, uh, yeah, there was a lot of like when I was working through my childhood trauma and I'm still healing, we all are. The healing never stops. But there were multiple stages that I was going through and, um, I realized what helped me to come, you know, first of all, when I find out that, oh, oh, you know, I had childhood trauma, I felt like, oh my God, there's something's wrong with me, I'm broken, that's it. I'm broken, I'm not fixable. The rest of my life is going to be very sad and pathetic. Because when I was reading about those children who did not have emotional validation and feeling safe, it looks like, well, that's it, I'm broken, there's no hope for me. It was a lot of depression going through, but later on I realized that, and also loneliness or feeling, oh my gosh, I'm the only one here. But then I saw that there are a lot of people like this and then there was hope of thinking, well, no, I don't want to do that, I'm going to work through this. I still want good things in my life. And then I started.

Speaker 3: 24:35

You know, it's funny when I realized that all that childhood trauma was caused by my dad, I became very angry. And because when you think that somebody who's supposed to be there for you, they should be taking care of you and they should support you, they should both supposed to watch your back. They failed and I was very angry at my dad of thinking how could he? He has only one child and he couldn't even take care of that one child. Then I went through that angry period and then I came to conclusion that how is that we learn? You know, like you just asked the question why we pick the same, you know the same partners, as our parents would say, because my dad never learned how to be a parent himself. He never had a father figure. I mean, he came also from my grandma and grandpa. They lived for a very long time and he was also from a normal family what it looks like from the side, but basically what it is. The traumas go from generation to generation because we learn that from our parents and the parents learn from grandparents and they continue going this. So when I understood that my dad also was alcoholic because he was he couldn't handle his pain with his own childhood trauma and I started looking at him as a wounded toddler who's really not capable of being an adult or authority figure the way I want him to. That's what. That's how the forgiveness and understanding came. So now I can, you know, I can talk with my dad actually I'm going to have coffee today with him in a coffee shop and we can talk about the things, because I understand he was also dealing with this and there's a lot of people dealing with the same thing.

Speaker 3: 26:15

And also, when it comes to dealing with stress, if we're in any relationship or even you're talking with someone, let's say you go to the coffee shop and the barista is mean to you or the cashier is mean to you, to the coffee shop and burst as mean to you or cashier mean to you. We should not take this too personally, because we need to ask ourselves what is happening in that other person's life. Maybe there's something happening to them that's where they don't know how to handle it and they're very upset and they're taking this on us. So it's to have more compassion to other people, but also towards ourselves. This is where it starts and honoring our own needs of thinking I have to be wanted, I have to be seen. These are human needs. We all, no matter where we're, from, what religion, anything at the end of the day. We all want to be loved, appreciated, seen, fed and safe. Those are human needs.

Speaker 2: 27:04

Yeah, great. That is, uh, really, really empowering and, in fact, um, you know, very crucial indeed, lolita, and before we conclude for our listeners, if you would recommend, what's the first step they can take today to start breaking free from the stress trauma cycle?

Speaker 3: 27:30

So the first thing, those who have a lot of stress that has to do with the childhood trauma it is that word self-care and self-love can trigger a lot of things. That did for me as well. So for those who are listening still listening in if you feel ashamed or you feel guilty of taking care of yourself, know this that you cannot help other people and take care of those that you love if you do not take care of yourself first. Imagine that you are a vessel full of water. You have to be full. You have to be full. You know you have to be full in order for anyone else to come and refresh themselves. So if you, when you start taking care of yourself, you're also taking care of themselves too. So please don't think about that.

Speaker 3: 28:21

Self-love and self-care is a very selfish thing to do. I think the word, the way it is, this one's probably created by somebody who was very selfish. Because when we understand that we can take a little break, you know, like one advice I can say put the alarm on your phone every hour and, whatever it rings, take one minute break from whatever you're doing. That itself will help you to release the burnout and also you will show to yourself that you can be there for yourself and honor your needs and honor your emotions and have more patience with yourself as well as with others, and be also kind to yourself.

Speaker 2: 29:02

Definitely that was a great conclusion to this discussion, lalita, and thank you so much for you know taking us through the incredible journey, through the complexities of stress, trauma and relationships with you, and for also helping us uncovering how childhood shapes our stress responses to understanding the patterns we repeat in love and life. So thank you for this uh you know conversation full of wisdom. So if our listeners they want to connect with you and explore more about uh, you know, the resources you are providing, the coaching you are providing, how can they do that?

Speaker 3: 29:43

so they're all welcome to go to my website, beamazingyoucom and also, if you like, stress management tips. I have a podcast called From Stress to Success Blueprint on YouTube and the YouTube channel also called the same as my website, beamazingyoucom, and every day I release an episode with under 10 minutes that talks about some stress management tip.

Speaker 2: 30:06

Wow, wow, wow. That is really, really helpful, and we'll have the details mentioned in the show notes for our listeners and listeners. Before we wrap up this conversation, I would like to add that stress doesn't have to define you. It can be a stepping stone to growth, healing and resilience. Whether it's exploring your past, breaking free from old cycles or simply taking the first step towards self-care and self-love, you can rewrite your own story. So if you found this conversation as inspiring and helpful as I did, don't keep it to yourself. Subscribe to Pleasure Principles, share it with a friend or any loved one who needs to hear this, and drop us a review. It helps more than you know, and until next time, I am Sana, your host, reminding you to lean into life's challenges with curiosity and courage. Let's continue this journey together. One insight, one breakthrough, one joy at a time. Take care, stay resilient and keep finding the pleasure in life's principles. Thank you.