Harnessing Attraction and Confidence for Thriving Relationships - Paul Bauer

Discover the fundamental role of attraction in sustaining long-term relationships on the Pleasure Principles podcast, featuring insights from Paul Bauer, a Master Life Coach and host of the "Come On Man" podcast. Paul shares his post-divorce journey, shedding light on why attraction might just trump communication when it comes to keeping the spark alive. Learn how the absence of genuine desire can reduce a relationship to mere companionship, and explore the nuances of reigniting passion through self-improvement and a deeper understanding of attraction's psychology.

Join us as we untangle the complexities of rebuilding masculine confidence and presence in today's dating world. Through candid reflections and coaching insights, we address the pitfalls of rushing into exclusivity and the significance of allowing relationships to evolve naturally. Paul provides practical advice on managing emotional reactions and handling "frame checks," emphasizing the importance of a strong masculine presence. By revisiting past mistakes and recognizing the original traits that drew partners together, men are empowered to restore the qualities essential for thriving relationships.

We dive into how self-limiting beliefs and societal norms affect men's mental health and relationships, and why acknowledging men's struggles is crucial. We explore the confidence-boosting effects of simple acts like wearing cologne and the role of virtual men's groups in fostering personal growth and support. Finally, we tackle the concept of hypergamy and its influence on relationship dynamics, suggesting a captain-executive officer approach to maintain traditional polarity and lasting attraction. Discover how taking responsibility for self-improvement can lead to more harmonious relationships and a deeper understanding beyond traditional marriage counseling.

Automate Social Media Posts with Marky
Marky.ai an AI marketing platform that automates campaigns and optimizes strategies for better ROI.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Chapters

• 0:01 Why Attraction Matters in Relationships
• 10:21 Rebuilding Masculine Confidence and Presence
• 18:49 Leadership and Mental Health in Relationships
• 27:04 Leading in Relationships for Lasting Attraction

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello and welcome back listeners to the Pleasure Principles podcast. With your host, sada. On Pleasure Principles, we explore what it takes to ignite passion, deepen intimacy and create fulfilling relationships. Today, we are diving into a topic that affect couples everywhere why attraction matters more than communication in long-term relationships. And joining this conversation is our incredible guest, paul Bauer, a certified Master Life Coach, nlp Practitioner and the host of the popular podcast Come On man. Paul specializes in helping men transform their relationships by understanding the psychology of attraction and reclaiming their confidence. He is also the author of two best-selling books, including the Essential Skills of a masculine presence psychology paradigm. Listeners, paul's perspective offers a fresh, a different, unique take on how to reignite desire in long-term relationships, which we don't often explore about, and keep that spark alive. If you are ready to transform the way you think about attraction and connection, you are in the right place, listeners. So let's get quickly started. Paul, welcome to the show and it's an absolute pleasure to have you with us.

Speaker 2: 1:35

Sana, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 1:40

Paul, you believe attraction matters more than communication. That twin a long-term relationship. Can you explain why it is, as an attraction is the foundation and how exactly it impacts the dynamics of a marriage?

Speaker 2: 1:57

Yeah, I can. And it's actually counterintuitive, isn't it? Because nowadays everyone says the key to a healthy relationship is communication. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship, but the truth is, the truth is is that without genuine desire, without attraction, people end up in a dead bedroom situation where the spark is gone and you can talk all you want, but if the two people are not attracted to each other, they're basically going to end up being glorified roommates. So that's why I say communication isn't the key to a healthy, long-term relationship. Now, it's helpful. I mean, it's really important to be able to communicate with each other in an effective manner, but communication is more the key to conflict resolution. But if there's no conflict, then what else is left? I actually prefer to focus on the attraction dynamics in a relationship, especially when I'm working with men who are running into the issue of a loss of attraction in their relationship and they're in a deadbed situation where their wives barely want to touch them anymore.

Speaker 2: 3:16

And a lot of these guys are frustrated and they feel hurt and they feel rejected. They feel like they're not good enough. And if you ask them what happened at the beginning of the relationship, everything was great. They had fun with their you know wives, with their girlfriends, whatever. They did all sorts of great stuff. There was a lot of chemistry there.

Speaker 2: 3:37

And now now they're in this situation where she doesn't want to talk to him anymore or even touch him anymore, and so then they're told well, if you just communicate with her more, right? So the guys go to him saying hey look, I really want you to sleep with me more. Why aren't you sleeping with me more, trying to communicate? And that's not doing anything to raise that attraction level that makes her in the mood. You know what I mean. So in that circumstance you can communicate until you're blue in the face and she won't. She. It won't make her want to go into the into bed with you. So you have to worry. You have to work more on being more of an attractive guy. That in, in work on your seduction skills, get back to the where you were at the beginning of the relationship, where she was enthusiastic about that sort of thing.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Yeah, it can be any kind of attraction. You know we have so many terms actually attached to attraction sapiosexual and whatnot, I don't know. Physical attraction, of course, is there, and I think this what you mentioned is this is that situation where even clear, cut, straightforward or effective communication fails to do its job. So kind of I agree with you. So let's, let's explore more, because it's a really, really different take on this entire dynamic. Okay, paul, a little towards your personal journey after your divorce and personal journey of self-improvement. What were the key lessons you learned about reigniting passion and also maintaining attraction in a relationship?

Speaker 2: 5:27

Yeah, that's a good question. So I think it would help if I give people my, my Batman origin story. So I was. I was married for 14 years and that relationship was. It was great for the first seven years, which is very common, especially here in the United States. Seven years is great. And then after that you get the seven year itch and then everything goes downhill after that and I found myself in a situation where the last half of my marriage I was just absolutely miserable. I didn't like my wife at all. We found ourselves sleeping in different bedrooms, we were fighting all the time, found ourselves sleeping in different bedrooms, we were fighting all the time and when she finally filed for divorce it was almost like a tremendous weight had lifted off my chest because I was the kind of guy who would have never left.

Speaker 2: 6:16

I was the kind of guy that took my vows seriously and it didn't matter how miserable I was, I was going to stick with it and I sort of had the paradigm of you know, happy wife, happy life, and as long as I just do everything to make her happy, then you know my life will be easy and problem-free. But the thing is is that women, especially in America are never truly happy, and so when guys spend all their time dancing around and trying to make her happy and walk on eggshells to avoid any kind of confrontation, it just makes the relationship erode and women lose attraction for guys like that, because women have no respect for guys like that. And so I didn't quite learn that lesson. I just felt like she was the problem and I was finally free and I can go out and meet someone that actually liked me. And so the thing, my problem, was that for for about 11 months after that, after we divorced, after we were separated, I was 50 pounds overweight, I was out of shape, I hadn't been on the dating circuit in over 15 years and I just didn't know what I was doing anymore. And I just floundered around on the dating circuit until I met a girl that I refer to on my podcast as red pill chick, and she she was, you know, she took pity on me, I say, and I found myself in this relationship with her, and it was one of those situations where you're just like the first girl that's nice with me or nice to me, I'm going to, I'm going to go all in on this one. And so I ended up in a relationship with her for four and a half years that I probably shouldn't have been in. But you know, about a year into that I lost all the weight.

Speaker 2: 7:59

I took my. I started taking my fitness seriously, but I fell back on the same patterns that I was having in my marriage, where I thought I reached the finish line, I thought I didn't have to try anymore and so I stopped really putting an effort of being attractive. I mean, I was working on my physical attractiveness but I wasn't working on my personality traits that are more attractive. I wasn't doing the things I was doing in the beginning. I wasn't trying to seduce her anymore. It was more like we fell into a routine and I was happy with the routine and she was getting bored, and so about two years into the relationship, I also oh.

Speaker 2: 8:37

Another problem was I didn't have good emotional control and so if she started arguing with me I would immediately react from emotion and start yelling back at her and stuff, which is another problem that I had in my marriage, and so she started losing attraction about two years into that relationship and then she spent the last two years of that relationship. I'm 99.9% sure she was cheating on me at the end and she was acting so bad that I finally broke up with her. But I had this just crushing feeling at the end of that relationship. It was totally different than when I got divorced, and that's why I call this girl red pill chick, because it was. I remember laying on the couch one day, just unable to breathe, because I was so much in emotional pain from happening to end that relationship. And I thought she was the one you know, I thought she was my quote, soulmate or twin flame or whatever people believe. And and so it was really. It was really painful for me.

Speaker 2: 9:38

And so I find myself back on the dating circuit again. This time I'm in shape and so I'm able to get dates pretty easily this time, but I can't keep women around more than like two or three days, and I don't. I'm like, what am I doing wrong here? Why am I repelling women? Why are the two biggest relationships in my adult life? Why did they fail? And you know, why don't these women want to stick around for more than two or three dates? And so I really took a deep dive into the psychology of attraction. That's really when I decided to start reading all the books I could, and I just started consuming them, and some of them I've read 20 times or 15 times and I continue to learn this.

Speaker 2: 10:21

And what I realized was that for one, when I was on the dating circuit, I was being too needy. I wasn't a guy that was immediately trying to lock women down into a relationship. So, you know, you talk to them one time, you go out with them a second time and then you're like so are we exclusive? You know, and the thing is about that is, a lot of guys have this misconception that women all want to be locked into exclusive relationships. I think, at the end of the day, most women do, but they have to come to that conclusion on their own and it really turns women off at a subconscious level when guys are trying to push for that exclusivity too soon. And so I realized that was my biggest mistake on the dating circuit.

Speaker 2: 11:08

And then, when it came to maintaining attraction in the long term, I realized that I was the kind of guy that as soon as I got into a committed relationship, I basically stopped trying. I stopped trying to consistently date when you first get with a girl and you're out dating. You go out once or twice a week. All the time You're out having fun, you're trying to have fun with her and build a connection. Well, once you get into a committed sort of routine, that sort of goes away, and then you are basically just glorified roommates, and then you stop trying to do all the things, you stop trying to get her into bed and you just sort of assume that that's just what you do. Oh, it's time to go to bed now, it's time for sexy time, and women need more than that, and so that was one of the things too.

Speaker 2: 11:58

I also realized that I needed to get a handle on my emotional reactions and not be able to not react so much, and that's a hard thing for guys, because women test men. They test men either consciously or subconsciously. They all do it at some form or another. Some do it more than others, but they do what we refer to as frame checks, you know, or congruency tests. And one of the reasons why women do that and it comes from their evolutionary psychology is because they need to make sure that the man they're with, sort of, is congruent with his actions versus what he says, and is he the strong masculine man she thinks he is?

Speaker 2: 12:44

And so the women will sort of tease you a little bit, you know, or they'll put you in situations that you might not necessarily feel comfortable in, and then they sort of watch your reaction to it. If you react with anger or sadness, or you know, you get bothered by what they're doing. You fail their tests and my friend, a good friend of mine, who studies this stuff too, he said to me one time he goes you know, it's not a test until you fail it, because a lot of women don't realize they're doing it. But once you fail the test, a woman immediately knows that there's something off with you and they start losing attraction. So I had to learn how to handle those tests better attraction. So I had to learn how to handle those tests better.

Speaker 2: 13:28

And I had to learn how to not react from emotion you know and maintain what we call frame and be be able to stay centered during her emotional changes.

Speaker 2: 13:37

And because women women are kind of like the weather they can change at a at a moment's notice.

Speaker 2: 13:43

And for guys, if you can't recognize that and then stay centered and be her rock, she's going to walk all over you and get the best of you and then she's going to lose attraction for you over time and then she's going to leave eventually. So for guys, that was my biggest takeaway was how to handle those frame checks, how to get my emotions under control, and then some of it is communication. You have to be able, as the man, be able to communicate from a position of authority and a lot of the times it's not about being right, it's about listening more, yep, yep. So there was a lot of things I learned on my past experiences that really helps me help men going forward, because I see what in my coaching practice a lot of guys making a lot of the mistakes that I did and I was like I've been there, I I can speak to that. I know exactly what you're going through right now and this is how you handle that.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Wow, that's something new. I was not actually aware that, especially what goes exactly inside women's you know what are their expectations, how do they analyze stuff. So that's a very different, unique take. Great, great Paul. Okay, so you emphasized on the importance of masculine presence and confidence as well. Uh, so so how, how do you help men rebuild, uh, these traits, you know, if they feel they have lost them over time?

Speaker 2: 15:23

um, yeah, that's the big thing. So what I take guys through who work with me and I can speak to some of this about some of my clients and tell you some of their stories. But typically the way it starts off is when we first meet. I usually have a 12-week session with these guys, a 12-week program session with these guys, a 12 week program, and the first session we sit down and we analyze, we do a, we do a relationship autopsy and figure out what happened in the relationship. And you can usually, as you have them, reflect on that. You can, they can figure out on their own when things started to erode. And it's usually you start off with how were things in the beginning? What were you doing at that time when you first met each other and why was she so drawn to you? Like, what were your actions? Like, how were you dressing then? Were you in better shape then, and stuff. And then you start finding out okay, well, when did you start compromising on your values? When did you start letting her take charge of the relationship and you started to defer to her because you thought you were going to make her happy by doing that? And usually guys can start figuring this stuff out as I'm having them reflect on it, and so really the goal is to get them back to who they were at the beginning of the relationship. They're still the same person, but they need to realize what made them attractive in the first place, and a lot of it was. They were sort of men on their own mission. They had a little bit of confidence, they were a little bit cocky.

Speaker 2: 17:02

A lot of the guys that I work with, when I ask them, okay, how were you at the beginning of the relationship, they were like, oh, like, oh, yeah. I mean I knew exactly what I wanted. Uh, if she told me, oh, I don't really like that place, I'd be like, ah, trust me, you'll love it. And then they would take these girls to this place and the women would love it. And and I was like, yeah, because you weren't compromising on who you were, you weren't letting her dictate what was happening in the situation, and they were happy to relax in their feminine and follow your lead. And so that's really getting these guys to realize that how they were in the beginning and start getting them thinking like that again. So that's a big thing too.

Speaker 2: 17:38

And then a lot of confidence also comes from how you feel about yourself. So a big thing that guys can do like the first thing that I have guys do is start Working on their physical fitness. Okay, let's get back in the gym again, because if you look good, you're gonna feel good. If you feel good, you're gonna act good. You know, if you're gonna act good, people are gonna want to be around you more. You're gonna have that more confidence. So it's more. It's more than just the physical health Factor of it. You you naturally just start feeling good the better you look.

Speaker 1: 18:13

So that's a that's a big part of it as well true, that is true, that is true and and I think that, uh, feeling of looking good and feeling good fit, it automatically, naturally gives that confidence. Then you know you are ready to actually face all the awkward moments or awkward situations and you are able to put yourself out there. So I think that's a very, very important, crucial takeaway for listeners, especially men, who are listening to this conversation.

Speaker 2: 18:47

You know what else men can do. It's been scientifically proven. They've done studies on this where they had men put on cologne and then they had men like a group of men, wearing cologne walking and they videotaped these men walking and they had the same men not wearing cologne walking and they had women look at the video camera, because women are more perceptive to body language than men are. And they had women look at the camera and they go okay, which guy's wearing cologne? And they could spot the guy wearing cologne every time, because the guys wearing cologne when they were wearing cologne walked with more confidence. So just smelling better made them feel more confident true, that's true it's fascinating okay, right, well, I totally agree with you.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Great, great paul, uh and also uh. I think this is something very common, but from the perspective of uh, you know, men, what are some common self-limiting beliefs you have seen men struggle with, and how do these beliefs affect their relationship?

Speaker 2: 20:01

Oh man, guys, start really developing self-limiting beliefs when they're getting rejected.

Speaker 1: 20:09

Yep.

Speaker 2: 20:10

Honestly, I swear so I've done. I've done coaching with men from various aspects. I've done date coaching, where guys are out in the dating circuit, and I've done I'm doing coaching right now with guys in dead bedroom situations and I would say fear of rejection is the biggest self-limiting belief that guys have and they will do anything to buffer that, that fear of rejection. And when it does happen, they feel so dejected, they feel so, you know, they feel so inadequate, they feel like they're not good enough, they feel like nobody likes them, they feel like they'll never get into a good relationship. It's fascinating, but I would say rejection is the number one self-limiting belief guys have when it comes to dating and relationship.

Speaker 2: 21:02

And guys who are in dead bedroom situations. They start getting to a point where their wife is rejecting them so much and so often they start feeling hurt, they start feeling unloved, they start feeling like they're not good enough. I mean they start going into spirals of depression. It's a big deal. And so then when you talk to them about it and you're like it's not, you know this can be fixed. They have such self-limiting beliefs on that that they're like no, I don't, I don't see how this can be salvaged, and so they won't even start, they won't even try. There's I venture to say, that there's only 3% of the male population, especially in the United States, that are willing to take action to try to turn that dynamic around in the relationship. The rest of them will just wither away and with through inaction and let their relationship die, and it's and it's really sad.

Speaker 1: 22:00

Yeah, I totally agree with you. And also, do you think you know? When we talk about men's mental health, first of all, you know, often you know it's one of the vulnerable, maybe in front of your wife or girlfriend or you know anyone close to you. Does it affect relationships or it's just you know? Or is it more effective for men to have that kind of masculine strong persona in front of, maybe, their wives or girlfriends?

Speaker 2: 22:51

Yeah, this is something that we talk about in the red pill space a lot. It gets a lot of. It gets people in their emotions negatively when we say it, but we do say that women don't care about your struggles. There's a famous quote a guy named Rich Cooper says it a lot but he says that women don't care about your problems. They wait at the finish line and they date the winners. And that's sadly very true to a point, and so one of the things that we advocate for is not necessarily bringing your problems to your girl, because women don't want your problems, they want solutions. So if you bring your problems to your girl, it's fine, as long as you have a plan with it. Otherwise she doesn't care and she wants, she wants you to be her rock and she, if you can't handle life's problems, she's like I don't know if you're strong enough to be my you know my husband, or to be my husband or my boyfriend or something like that. They start getting this doubt in their mind and it's not their fault, it's their evolutionary wiring and I think most women want to care, and I think most women think they care, but just their evolutionary psychology and biology just won't let them, which is unfortunate, fortunate. So when guys hear this sort of thing now, they think, well, I can't, I don't have anybody, I don't, I don't, I can't go to anybody because most people not just women, most people don't care about men's problems. In fact, on on TikTok there was a hashtag men's mental health. They banned that hashtag on TikTok because it I guess they thought it was toxic masculinity or something I don't know. But but that's, that's the. That's a sort of society. They don't care about men's struggles. So what, what we in the Red Pill space say is no, you know, maybe you don't go to your girl, that's not the right outlet for it, but there are proper outlets for it. So a good coach is a good outlet for bringing your problems. Um, if you have a therapist, if you have a good therapist there's not that many great therapists out there, but there's some good ones or at the very least have a good group of like-minded men that you can go talk to about your problems.

Speaker 2: 25:08

And so I created I have a beer club, it's a virtual men's group. It's on Telegram. It's like 10 bucks a month and I have about 50 guys in there and that's what we do. It's an outlet for them to bring their problems. They can swap notes, they can find solutions with each other. They can have accountability with each other. They can have accountability with each other. Their guys are in there losing weight. We have two guys that have beaten type two diabetes because they lost so much weight just holding each other accountable, and that's a good outlet for guys, and guys do need that outlet for their mental health. It's just there's a time and a place for it, unfortunately, in our society, and you know your wife or your girlfriend's just not the proper outlet for it. She needs to see you as her, you know her rock, and it just doesn't work the other way around, unfortunately.

Speaker 1: 26:02

Okay, great, Great, great. Paul. Also, you advocate for men to lead in their relationships. How do you advise men to strike a balance between leadership and also maintaining a healthy partnership dynamic? You know, I don't know how balancing both of these can be easy, but I would love to hear from you. What do you advise?

Speaker 2: 26:31

Yeah, this is another thing that isn't very popular to say, because modern relationships are often viewed as partnerships. I don't know if you ever spend any time on chat GPT or using AI tools. I use them all the time. I love them, they're so much fun. On chat GPT or using AI tools, I use, I use them all the time, I love them, they're so much fun.

Speaker 2: 26:49

But chat GPT cannot cannot describe a relationship without using the word partnership, unless you tell it to. Yeah, but by default it has to say your partner and partners and whatever, and so that's become sort of a part of the lexicon. But the thing is is that women are hypergamous by nature, and what that means is essentially women naturally want to pick a guy who's better than them in some way. A lot of times, a lot of guys think it's money. It's not always about money, but women almost never seek their level. They almost are always looking for a guy that makes more money than them, that is in better shape than them, that is taller than them and whatever, and so there's no equality, there's no actual equality in the sexual marketplace, and so when guys have this viewpoint of she's my equal partner, what they end up doing, and they don't do it. I think their intentions are good, but what they end up doing is they start deferring to her. They start they can't make a decision on their own without consulting with her. They want to make sure she's happy first, and what ends up happening is that dynamic. That paradigm puts her at a higher level than him, so they're not actually equal partners at that point either. Now she's above him, making decisions, and most women don't want to make decisions. Even the most successful executive boss, babe, doesn't want to make decisions in the relationship. She's making decisions all day long. She comes home after work. The last thing she wants to do is figure out what everyone's having for dinner. She would love for her man to take the lead then and make those decisions. But most of these guys have this equal partnership dynamic in their heads, and so they're like oh, I can't make that decision because she might get mad at me. Well, these guys are immediately putting themselves at one position lower, which kills that attraction, because she has to see him as better than her in some way. So what I tell guys is no, you guys aren't partners Now. You guys can be lovers, it can be a great relationship, but she's not your partner.

Speaker 2: 29:04

It's almost better to view the relationship from a captain-executive-officer dynamic, where, if you think of a United States warship and I like to use this analogy because I used to be a sailor but you have one guy, the captain, he's overall in charge of the mission of the ship, and then he has his executive officer who's next in command, and the executive officer isn't overall in charge, but it is still a leadership position within the ship and the captain has the ultimate say in what goes on. But his executive officer has good ideas. There's no reason not to take the executive officer's advisement under consideration. But at the end of the day, you have to be the leader and what you know, you have to be the one that makes the final decision on things, and sometimes what your executive officer suggests isn't right for the mission of the ship, and so you have to go with your gut and do what you think is best. Once you have everything you know taken under consideration but most guys don't do that under consideration, but most guys don't do that.

Speaker 2: 30:18

And when you do that, what create? What happens is you create natural polarity in the relationship of masculine and feminine energy. Where masculine energy is decisiveness, it is leadership, it is uh, action, it is, you know, it is leading and and feminine energy. It really is more of a, a supportive, almost um, you know people hate this word, it's kind of a dirty word but almost like a submissive role in the relationship. But she's more of a nurturing, supporting person that's there to support the mission and he's there to lead that mission. And if a guy, if guys, take that and run with it and really implement it in their relationship, they'll find that their wives naturally relax into their feminine more and they start following his lead and they have more of a loving, healthy relationship.

Speaker 2: 31:06

It's just over man, over 20 years of guys swapping notes and forums. Guys have started figuring this out and they can. It's been proven over and over again in countless guys' relationships that this dynamic actually works. It's almost more of a traditional dynamic. You see it a lot in more traditional countries, like like India, for instance, I think. But in America you don't. We're all equal partners here and we have a 50% divorce rate. It's not working. So you have to. If you get back to that natural dynamic and that natural polarity, you'll find that the relationship naturally goes along with it.

Speaker 1: 31:48

So, paul, on the flip side, your approach it majorly focuses on guiding men. What would you say to those who believe that, in fact, to some extent I also do that reigniting desire is a kind of you know? Again, this may be contradictory, but again it's. It's both responsibilities. You know both, the husband, wife or boyfriend, girlfriend. It requires efforts from both of the side and to equally invest and adapt. So what would you say to this?

Speaker 2: 32:30

No, I would agree with you, it does take both people. But here's the thing, especially here in America. Let's take traditional marriage counseling into consideration. What happens when people are in a failing marriage and they decide okay, you know what, we need to get some help. It's not working. Let's go get marriage counseling.

Speaker 2: 32:52

What ends up happening is you have two people go to a counselor and each person wants that counselor to take their side and gang up on the other person and get that other person to change right. We need to fix that person, because I'm not the problem, they're the problem. Everyone thinks that they're not the problem. The other person's the problem. So the reason why I prefer to work with men directly and only with men, it's because that dynamic doesn't work. The traditional marriage counseling dynamic doesn't typically work because of that sort of situation I laid out there. But what happens is if you have the guy take the lead in this and you have him start working on himself and start taking accountability and realizing that he can't change his wife, he can only change himself. We only have control over ourselves and how we show up in a relationship. What tends to happen is that as guys start working on themselves, women tend to be direct mirrors of their husbands, and so if a guy's not acting right, he's overly emotional, he can't control himself. She's going to start being that way and cause she's going to realize that he's not leading the relationship like she needs. And so that means that I have to. You know, she has to lead the relationship now, which she doesn't want, and so she starts built, she starts building resentment towards him and loses attraction and then, you know, eventually she files for divorce, and you know we have this whole statistic here that 80% of divorces are filed by women. It's like, well, yeah, because you're not. You're not being the man she needs you to be.

Speaker 2: 34:25

So we start with the men and we, uh, we find that when men fix themselves and they start becoming more attractive and they start working on showing up in their relationship in a more attractive way, their wives naturally tend to start investing more. They start seeing these changes Now. They'll see these changes at first, and one of the reasons why we also don't like to tell the wives that we're working on ourselves is because when you start telling women, it's an observer effect. When a process is being observed, it changes the process, you know. So what women tend to do is, if they know you're working on yourself and they know you're trying to improve yourself, they start testing you more to see if the changes you're making are real. You know, because they have to. They're like, okay, is this real or is this that program you're doing? And they don't believe it. But if you do a sneak attack, they just start noticing these changes and they're like wait, what's going on? What's going on? He's acting different. I like it. I don't know what's going on, though. It's like you start treating them better, and that ends up being the golden rule, where you know treat people the way you want to be treated. So men end up treating their wives better, their wives start responding better and they start investing.

Speaker 2: 35:48

And now I have a guy. This guy I've been working with him for quite a long time now. His name is David. This guy had failing kidneys and he ended up having a lot of medical issues because of it, and he ended up getting erectile dysfunction because of it and his wife just started really losing attraction for him and he ended up in a dead bedroom situation. A lot of it was because he mentally gave up on himself and was like woe is me and, you know, felt sorry for himself because of all these medical issues and women don't find that attractive, and and so when he decided to start fixing the problems and he and I start working together, um things, things really turned around.

Speaker 2: 36:28

But I mean, he was really feeling rejected.

Speaker 2: 36:30

He was really feeling like she didn't love him anymore. He thought that, hey, you know, don't your, our vows mean anything to you? And he was just feeling a lot of resentment towards her. But when I told him, hey, man, don't, you can't worry about what she's doing, you got to fix yourself. He really started putting in that work and she started noticing it.

Speaker 2: 36:48

And now he's lost man. He's lost like 120 pounds now and she's at the point where she's like wait a second, I think you're losing too much weight. All these other women are going to be talking to you. And he's like, well, they might, you know. So now she is going to the gym. She's lost 70 pounds herself just because she sees him putting in the work. She's motivated now and so it's fascinating and he goes. Paul, I can't thank you enough. My relationship is better than it was even when we first got together and she's more sexually interested in him now. She sends him dirty text messages, he goes she never did that before. What has gotten into her man? And I'm like dude, don't question it, just go with it.

Speaker 1: 37:31

True, true, that's a great suggestion. Just go with it. Yeah, great, paul, that was such a such a unique conversation, such a unique take on men's sensuality, their relationships and and how they can uh, you know make changes within them, physically, mentally, take the charge. So thank you so much for sharing your powerful insights and also how men can reignite that passion and maintain attraction in long-term relationships, and also thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and your expertise.

Speaker 2: 38:14

So, if our listeners, especially men who are listening to this conversation, if they wish to connect with you, paul, how they can do that, Well, first I would like people to check out my new book because I really go into depth on the fixing your paradigms around relationships and having more of that dominant masculine presence. So they can get my book on Amazon. It's called the Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence Psychology Paradigm. It's also available on Audible if you prefer listening to audiobooks.

Speaker 2: 38:46

And if you are having problems in your marriage, that attraction's gone. You're in a dead bedroom situation. Your wife doesn't really like hanging out with you anymore. You know she's rejecting you every night. She's got a headache all the time and it's just frustrating and you feel rejected. Don't let that slide. It's not going to fix itself. So go to my Calendly. You can go to callfixedeadbedroomscom and book some time with me and we'll have a 30-minute call and if I can help you with your situation, I'll show you what that looks like and if I can't, I'll at least point you in the right direction. But no matter what, I'll give you massive clarity on your situation.

Speaker 1: 39:31

Lovely, lovely. And if our listeners also want to listen to your podcast, how can?

Speaker 2: 39:35

they do that. They can listen to the Come On man podcast on all major podcast platforms, including YouTube. I have new episodes every Monday, wednesday and Friday.

Speaker 1: 39:47

Oh, nice Great. We'll have all the details mentioned in the show notes for our listeners. And, paul, once again, thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 39:55

No, thank you again for having me. This was fun and for our listeners and Paul. Once again, thank you so much. No, thank you again for having me.

Speaker 1: 39:57

This was fun and for our listeners. If today's discussion resonated with you, be sure to check out the show notes to connect with Paul, or listen to his podcast and also his book. And that's all for this episode on pleasure principles. Don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share this episode with someone, a man who could use a fresh perspective on relationships. Until next time, keep blending passion and pleasure into everything. Thank you, thank you.