Navigating Intimacy and Compatibility for Thriving Second Marriages - Muriel Hunter

Unlock the secrets to building lasting and fulfilling relationships with the guidance of Muriel Hunter, a seasoned life coach and relationship strategist with over two decades of experience. Join us as we explore the profound concept of intimacy compatibility, particularly in the context of second marriages. Muriel shares her expert insights into the role of love languages, the impact of daily stressors, and the importance of emotional connection as the foundation for physical intimacy. By emphasizing open communication and appreciation for each other's contributions, Muriel offers practical strategies to nurture and sustain harmonious partnerships, treating relationships with the same dedication and care as any thriving entity.

Prepare for a candid discussion on navigating relationship compatibility challenges, focusing on key areas like financial strategies, sexual compatibility, and family dynamics. We underline the importance of confronting these issues early to prevent misunderstandings and build a resilient partnership ready for long-term commitment. Discover the advantages of pre-marital counseling and the necessity of managing expectations realistically, particularly regarding sexual desires and lifestyle preferences. Through open dialogue and thorough preparation, you'll gain insights into fostering relationships that not only survive but thrive in the face of life's inevitable challenges.

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Chapters

• 0:11 Exploring Intimacy Compatibility in Relationships
• 17:45 Navigating Relationship Compatibility Challenges

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Hey everyone, welcome back to Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we explore the art and science of love intimacy. I'm your host, avik, and today we are diving into a topic that touches every relationship at its core. Yes, it's intimacy compatibility. So how do our love, languages, expectations and even the stress of our daily lives shape the way that we connect? Yes, this is really a good question, right? So joining us today is the amazing Muriel Hunter, so welcome to the show, muriel.

Speaker 2: 0:49

Thank you so much. I'm thrilled to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:52

Lovely, lovely. So, muriel, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, muriel is a transformative life coach and relationship strategist with over 20 years of experience. So her mission is to empower women over 30 to thrive in resilient, fulfilling and harmonious partnerships, especially in the second marriages. The second marriages, so, with a remarkable 37-year marriage herself and a network that spans high-profile entertainers and athletes, muriel brings a wealth of wisdom, real-world strategies and faith-based insights to help us navigate love in all its complexities. So, whether you are in a relationship or searching for the one, or just trying to better understand how intimacy fits into your life, then you are in for an enlightening and heartfelt conversation. So let's get started. Welcome to the show again, muriel.

Speaker 2: 2:02

Thank you, thank you. I wanted to share just a blend of things that have happened over the course of a lifetime. My background has always been in nurturing, from home care to nursing assistant, physical therapy, sports medicine, personal training. It just went on. So that is my life, that's who I am, and trying to mold all of those passions kind of came up to light coaching, and it happened in a way where my clients were all saying why don't you do this for a living? Why don't you do this for a living? I'm thinking, oh, okay, maybe I'll back up and go ahead and focus on getting the credentials to feel as if people dating service.

Speaker 2: 2:58

I accidentally became a therapist and it was the most wonderful, enlightening experience to be able to be a fly on the wall where men are saying this is what I need to feel loved and women to say this is what I need to feel loved and how to bridge that gap, to say this is what I need to feel love and how to bridge that gap. That's kind of like the you know the light bulb that goes on and just brought me to life because I was having such an amazing experience bringing people together that may not have ever crossed paths, but they were able to see the underlying issues first instead of just diving in. Therefore, from having associates, friends and co-workers coming to me for advice, for a lifetime it evolved. It evolved into life coaching and I've been doing it my whole life. So now I have the credentials to back it up and have had just a wonderful experience.

Speaker 1: 4:18

Lovely, Lovely, Great and okay. So here, like, how do the love languages really impact the intimacy compatibility? What do you say?

Speaker 2: 4:32

Well, there are several love languages and the issue is how do we read it? Yeah, Men and women interpret being loved differently and the nice thing is there are individuals that you can go to that will kind of guide you through it. There were centuries where it was the grandma and great-grandma and the moms, but a lot of the parents are still learning themselves because we've been thrust into a society where it's over mechanized and we really have to be functional rather than having traditional roles where women would learn from other women. Now women are out in the workforce, equal to men. So what I want people to understand is what is your love language? There are formulas, but what is your love language?

Speaker 2: 5:30

And with women, the intimacy is physical is not even half of it. The physical intimacy is the end result of all the work and energy and effort that you put in before you get to the bedroom, and it's an area that men have to be sensitive to and they're learning. Hats off to you men out there who are taking time and energy to study and research and read and communicate. So I would put one of the love languages, as a communication, On the top of the list. If you are not communicating, how will you ever get direction? How will you ever know? Women tend to feel as if men should know. You should know that I like this. You should know. Well, our brains work differently and our focus and energy is different, and what is so hard about just reminding that individual like you know what?

Speaker 2: 6:39

if you took the trash out every day and you would pick the kids up or you would allow me to have a nap. Man, I have all that energy for you now. And if a woman has asked a number of times or a partner have asked a number of times, then it's time to sit down and have that conversation one-on-one. Well, what do I need to do to make you feel valued? And sometimes individuals just don't feel valued enough to put that work out. Well, if you don't do it for me, then I'm not going to do it for you, and you're at a stalemate. That's not helping anyone.

Speaker 2: 7:20

People that are married live longer, and just because you're married doesn't mean that you're happy. So it's a valuable piece of work. If you went to work every day and you saw someone who was being destructive to the company and messing with the books or creating chaos or just making the workforce a difficult place to be in, we won't have a company. It will be divided. And, as a believer, there's a scripture that says a house divided cannot stand. So this is the most valuable, important structure on the planet. Without the family, we have nothing. We just disintegrate. And now the complexity of being in a relationship. Okay, you've done all that work to get them, so now I don't have to do anything else. That means that the friendship is dissolving. And when you are thinking of a love language, think in terms of how would you treat your friend and this person should be your friend because they're helping with your livelihood, dwelling your relationships, your health. If one person falls, then that other one should be there to lift them up and to nurture and take them to the doctors, or to listen to them, to be there, to be of value. So if the communication isn't there, how would you? How do you build, how do you grow? How do you move forward? And that is an issue because the art of listening, looking at your partner when you're talking, eye contact, stop doing the dishes, turn the music off, sit down and be present it's an art that's falling. It's falling by the wayside. So when you are communicating, be there a hundred percent, look into their eyes because you want that person to treat you the same way. If it's an in, you know the baby is pulling at you or you know you have to finish this homework or whatever. Think in terms of how long does it take to have that conversation? You can wrap it up, you can get it. It'll go by much faster. If your partner believes that you are engaged and that you actually listen. The longer they talk and the louder they are generally means that they just don't feel heard. If you have a partner that is getting louder and louder, that's a symptom. That's a symptom they're saying I don't feel heard. So, by all means, you know, think in terms of your partner being a friend and that communication is like way on the top of the list.

Speaker 2: 10:33

And then the physical touch. You know how many times do you kiss in a day? There's some studies out there that women need seven loving touches a day. Or women that have seven loving touches a day actually have like 50% less disease. Just a physical touch, there's healing in touch. So if you are not an affectionate person, if you're not a touchy person, as the person walked by, you can just brush their hair, you know. You can just put your hand on top of their hand. You can just let them know hey, I love you. And this is a love language touching, letting them know that you want to be there.

Speaker 2: 11:19

And there was a story I heard of centuries ago.

Speaker 2: 11:25

The story is from the centuries past and there was a woman that had a real problem with her mother-in-law and wanted to kill her, went to a pharmacist and or chemist at the time, I guess they would call it and said hey, you know, put this poison together for me because I can't do it any longer. So he says okay, it's in this oil. You put this oil on every day for two weeks, you give her a massage for two weeks and she'll be dead. That was great. So she goes to the mother-in-law and she's, you know, giving, rubbing her neck and rubbing her feet and and and putting on this act of loving her. And over the course of the two weeks she had an opportunity to get to know that person and they became very, very intimate friends, very, very close friends. And before she could get to the end of the second week, she went back to the chemist and said, hey, listen, I don't want to do this anymore. What do I do to reverse it? And he said you already did.

Speaker 2: 12:37

So if you put the time in, it's not by the way you feel, it's not how you feel, but your brain will tell your body and your heart and your emotions what to do. So an old slang is fake it till you make it. So sometimes, if you do what you want your partner to do, you're training them. They'll mirror that behavior and for some it may take way longer than others. So intimacy looks different to a lot of different people. Men, of course. Their intimacy is more physical. They kick you warriors. You went out there and you, you know, foraged and you made frontiers and created new things. And if you don't have something to conquer, then the manliness seems to dissipate to some degree. You're looking for it. Looking for it. That's another study where men have to hold the remote control. It's because they need some control and in various stages of life, particularly for people after they retire, feel powerless, have a great deal of manliness diminishing, and even with women who go into retirement, there are some great, great strains on the relationship. So if a woman is not providing the physical need, that's the time when you can do self-examination. People that are loveless need love. And if someone cuts me off or if there's someone at my job that has a personality issue, I would think the first thing I think is they need love. They don't have as much, so let's give him a little extra. So if you look inside yourself as a man and go, hey, you know, if we were dating, what would I do? You should always date your husband and wife. That's why you know the go out on a date once a week and you know, so high, so high because you can rekindle. But if you want sex, if you want that physical intimacy, are you brushing your teeth? Come on, guys. Seriously, women need that fresh breath. They like the smell of a fresh man. Mustiness is cool too. I mean, a fresh musty is delicious, you know, doesn't have to be perfum all the time, but women have a need to have that, that, that the senses, all those senses activated. So if you cook dinner, oh oh, you're getting there, you're on the way, right there, you know. So that's one of the senses. If you go ahead and put on something nice as if you're going on a date, even if you're not, go ahead and put on something nice as if you were going on a date, even if you're not, go ahead and put on the nice shirt that you leave in the back of the closet for eventually, you know, do those things, get some silk underwear, do something like oh wait a minute, what's going on over here, you know.

Speaker 2: 16:03

So women need a little extra coaching. It takes us a little longer and it starts with our brain. You have to make love to our brain, then it works its way down. There's, you know, the professional brain workers, called pimps, professional, and they get to the head. When you tell a woman that she's beautiful, even if she, you know, has a few more wrinkles and a lot more gray hair, or even if they're a little overweight or a lot overweight, or you have the stretch marks, whatever it is, look into her eyes and let her know that she is beautiful. She must be something because you chose her, she's yours, you belong to her, she belongs to you, this is what you picked. So treat her like a queen and she'll treat you like a killer. It's a killer, you know.

Speaker 2: 17:03

If you are stressing over income, it will chop the libido in half, for either male or woman. It's hard because it's a brain-body connection. So there are some cool little things that I have on my LinkedIn connection. So there are some cool little things that I have on my LinkedIn side hustles way to get past the stress on my Facebook. So, murielhuntercom, I have an answer to get past some of those stresses so that you can get to the six. So, if your money situation is under control, or if you work out a strategy, work out a plan. Talk to financial consultants one or the other. If you're both not on board, whoever is get it done. You don't know 100% what's going on in your partner's head. Therefore, do the work. You do the work. If you're feeling like, oh, you know, my partner doesn't feel as if I'm attractive anymore, you do the work. You start working and they will follow. They really will. If your relationship has hope and I believe that all relationships have hope within reason If you have sexual incompatibilities, that's something that you will really have to be flexible, compromise and something that could easily be addressed long before you got married and that's the best time to talk about it.

Speaker 2: 18:51

I have a Christian dating service prior and a lot of women did not believe in sex before marriage. Therefore, that wedding day was a real different sort of situation. So, if you are someone who has not had intimacy sex in some time. Second marriage or, as some of the strong believers don't, have intimacy and sex before marriage. That is something that really has to be investigated thoroughly and that's where my coaching comes in. That's where my counseling comes in. I have a coaching business where I really, really want to talk to people before they get married. They get married because that's like planting the ideal plant in the best possible soil with the right fertilizer so that it's going to grow and be nurtured.

Speaker 2: 19:58

If you have extreme incompatibilities before you have sex, it's so much easier. It just a breeze to to start to disconnect with that person said well, you know, the person that I'm interested in really is into choking and I am not. And I can't, I'm not going to compromise, it's just not. I don't have any desire to go there. It's way easier to walk away if you have not connected physically. So ideally you would want to have counseling before marriage.

Speaker 2: 20:41

Even counseling before engagement, I would say, is the best time to say well, hey, are we on the same page financially? How do you feel about money? Because there's that big libido killer of one person who's a senator and the other one's a saver. There's going to be a lot of challenges there, and if neither are willing to work towards it or compromise, you've got a situation that will need help. So if you're covering these areas of money, sex and then family, particularly families that come from a different culture where it's automatic for the parents or grandparents to move in with you once they hit a certain age in our little spoiled American culture, you know we're like let's get her set up in this wonderful little you know development down the road. That's a big issue. You've got a trifecta of disaster money, sex and family. If those things aren't discussed really early in the relationship. They need to be discussed right now, before anything happens where you have to make that snap decision.

Speaker 2: 21:59

I've had a number of lovely professional women that I worked with who said if their husband lost their job, they're gone, gone, and you know, as a partner, I don't think you'd have that same attitude in business if you had a business partner. So ideally, if you're not on the same page, particularly before you get married or engaged, which is the ideal time to work all these things out and go, you know I'm really going for this young lady or gentleman or other. I'm really, really going. I feel like this could be the one Well before you totally invest, wholeheartedly, 100%, work out the kinks. Work out the kinks. I've had so many young people just drunk on adrenaline and endorphins that said, I will marry this man if he's penniless and they have something really special. But then once they get married and they haven't discussed that, one wants to have endless children, have as many children as we can, and the other one says, oh, I don't want children, I don't want any at all. How can you compromise on that?

Speaker 1: 23:35

And what's to it?

Speaker 2: 23:36

What do you do? That's why so many of these topics need to be discussed Really. That's why so many of these topics need to be discussed Really. Your daughters and sisters and loved ones, even people that have been married and are still trying to figure it out and are going into a second marriage, bringing some baggage with them these are things that people that are middle-aged don't talk about because they're thinking, oh, we'll work it out. We can work it out, and it's extraordinary hard work. I look at it like a salmon going upstream. You can, you could get to the top.

Speaker 1: 24:22

Exactly, I agree. I mean these are some things which are very, I mean this is very, I mean we can resonate through our day to day lives. I mean these are very important things and I thank you for sharing this because I believe, uh, this should spread, this should spread and uh create kind of awareness that, um, that's, that's true, that's really, really true. Yeah, so, uh, I mean also, I mean, when you mentioned this from there, I have one thing in my mind, like what do you think? I mean, what do you say? Like how can someone identify that if their expectations are realistic or damaging to their relationships? Because this is, I believe, somewhere in the relationship it comes.

Speaker 2: 25:42

If they're realistic, that's them. Then are you interested in those options? Or if one of your partners are empty of a husband, say, for instance, it's a second or third marriage and a man is over 65, the testosterone diminishes about 10% every 10 years. So, you know, maybe you want a wildcat in the bed and that person has just a very low libido, those expectations really have to be discussed Again. That's something that has to start at the genesis and communicating hey, you know what? I've always had to have sex every day, or I'm not comfortable unless I know that I can or don't have to work, have to work. It just depends on the situation of what those expectations are.

Speaker 2: 26:49

But that is the reason why a liaison someone in my field can talk candidly to each one of the partners and somehow it's easier not to speak directly because you're feeling judged. If you tell your partner hey, you know what, I had something else in mind and you're so terrified you're going to hurt their feelings, or you don't, you're so afraid of how they will take it. There are people that have done this for a lifetime. There's a wonderful group of professionals that have taken all these hard questions and found some answers to them. So, yeah, if it's unrealistic expectations, you can always call 626-399-8639. I'll help you, I'll walk you through the process. I do offer a complimentary service where you can have one free call and see whether or not that is a realistic or unrealistic expectation. Again, ideally for wedding parties or bride parties.

Speaker 2: 28:04

Women empowerment groups. I speak primarily to women because it's been proven that men hear more from another man than they hear from a woman. So I get to the women to get to the men. So, yeah, yeah, there's ongoing speak engagements. I have I give tons of tidbits and constant pieces of information on my LinkedIn and Facebook and Instagram account.

Speaker 1: 28:40

That's true. Yeah yeah, that's true. Yeah, and then also like um, what's your advice for the couples? Who is feeling out of uh sync emotionally or physically? So where should they start?

Speaker 2: 28:58

the, the couple that has been going through some things, really need to step back and reevaluate what it is that got them there. What can you do? We're often looking at other people and a really wonderful quote is never expect something from someone else than that that you're willing to give yourself. And um, living so close to Hollywood, you know, or so many women that I run into are going to get them a professional athlete, basketball player or somebody rich. And it's like, yeah, so that the um, yeah, so the prenuptial counseling is something that I love to do because there is a wonderful concept to that. There's some ways to discuss why and how. That I offer on my murielhuntercom and LinkedIn. That's a compatibility quiz that says, hey, here are some Q&As on challenges that your relationship might be facing and where you would fit into it. Is this going to be something that scores? That says, hey, you know what, you have a very good likelihood of having a successful relationship, or it's a 50-50 at best. So it's kind of nice to have that as a starting point.

Speaker 1: 30:40

Understood, understood. That's really lovely, great, lovely. It's a really great conversation, I would say, and that's the wrap for today's episode of pleasure principles, and I can't thank much. It's a huge thank to our guest, muriel, for sharing her incredible insights and the real world advice on intimacy and the compatibility I know.

Speaker 1: 31:09

Uh, even I do not want to move further because I'm really really loving the conversation which is happening, which is very much relatable to our real lives and the daily life thing which we sometimes tend to focus out on, do not focus on, but I really wanted to have this conversation go on, but, as you all aware, dear listeners, that time is constrained, so we have to move on.

Speaker 1: 31:43

But, yes, with this hope only that, yes, we'll again come back with another episode with muriel where we'll be discussing about in much more details, with more topics which are relatable in our day-to-day lives. So, uh, if you have enjoyed this episode, be sure to follow us for more empowering conversations about love, connection and the personal growth, and do not forget to check out Muriel's transformative coaching services for the deeper guidance on building fulfilling and harmonious relationships. What I'll do? I'll put all the links into the show notes for your easy reference so that you can reach out to Muriel and you can also have conversation with Muriel. So what do you say, muriel? I mean, do you love to share any Instagram handle, or how can someone connect with you if you can share?

Speaker 2: 32:43

Instagram handle or how can someone connect with you like if you can share. It is murielhuntercom which is the website which will send it out to all of the various links, but I am the Muriel Hunter in Minifee, california. There's a few more of us, but not many on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 33:04

Lovely, lovely, great, great. So, dear listeners, you heard it and also I'll put this into the show notes. So until next time, remember that pleasure begins with understanding yourself and your needs. So stay curious, stay connected and keep exploring. Thank you so much thank you.