Unraveling Emotional Intimacy Through Attachment Theory and Love Languages - Valerie Greene

Renowned relationship coach and author Valerie Green joins us to unravel the intricacies of emotional intimacy and love. Ever wondered how childhood experiences shape our romantic connections? Valerie guides us through attachment theory, revealing the influence of our early years on adult relationships. Together, we tackle the challenge of reprogramming limiting beliefs about love and underscore the skills of empathy and vulnerability. By exploring love languages, we highlight how mastering the art of understanding and validating emotional needs can enhance and strengthen your partnership.

Gary Chapman's five love languages become the foundation of our conversation as we discuss quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and physical touch to unveil their impact on relationships. Valerie sheds light on navigating recurring conflicts, particularly between anxious and avoidant attachment styles, drawing on Sue Johnson's emotionally focused therapy. We share strategies for breaking cycles of misunderstanding, emphasizing the power of self-soothing, empowered vulnerability, and interdependence. This episode is a treasure trove of insights and strategies for anyone seeking to actively build a loving and intimate connection.

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Chapters

• 0:07 Exploring Emotional Intimacy and Love
• 8:24 Understanding Love Languages and Vulnerability
• 23:09 Navigating Recurring Relationship Conflicts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey there, fabulous listeners. The podcast where we explore the depths of human connection, emotional intimacy, truly understanding love. I'm your host, avik, and today we are diving into a topic that's as timeless as it is transformative the art of connection, exploring tantra, love, language and emotional intimacy. Yes, joining us is the amazing Valerie Green, so welcome to the show, valerie.

Speaker 2: 0:40

Hi, it's wonderful to be here. I'm excited about this topic. I'm sure I could talk for hours about it, but you let me know how long we're going to go.

Speaker 1: 0:49

Yeah, definitely so. Before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, valerie is a relationship coach, mentor and author who has spent decades helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of love. So she is here today to share her wisdom on how we can deepen the emotional intimacy, embrace the love languages and even spice things up with the principles of Tantra. Spice things up with the principles of tantra. So buckle up, it's going to be an enlightening, thought-provoking and maybe even little streamy.

Speaker 2: 1:34

So welcome to the show. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Yeah, I'm here to answer whatever questions you have, of course, Lovely, lovely, definitely so for the connections, connections, the foundation of connections. Um, what does the true intimacy, or what the emotional intimacy look like? I mean? Uh, why do so many relationships struggle to achieve it? If you can share?

Speaker 2: 1:57

yes, that's a a really good question. Um, so the way I look at emotional connection is through the lens of attachment. The attachment research has been applied to romantic couples for about the past 30 years, and what they've determined is, unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how your childhood was that the way that we felt emotionally connected to our parents as young children is the same way that we have the ability to, or the desire to, connect emotionally to our romantic partner, especially after marriage. Because what happens is we have what's called an attachment system in our brain which is always monitoring how emotionally connected we feel to our attachment figure. It's the same emotional center in the brain that it applies to both our romantic partner and to when we were really little, with our parents, and that's because it codes family. This is family and this is how emotionally connected I feel to family, including our spouse. And so the good news is, if you felt when you were little that you could open up about your feelings and your parents were empathic and they really supported you in getting your needs met, then you have what's called a secure attachment style and then you find it easy to have an emotional connection with your romantic partner as an adult, but for the other approximately 50% of the population although I think it's actually more than that, but that's what the research shows we fall into three types of insecure attachment.

Speaker 2: 3:39

The good news is, because I'm a coach, not a therapist, the way that I look at attachment is that it's a belief system and it's a skill set, and so we can learn the skills of how to be emotionally close as an adult and then have the deep emotional connection that we want with our partner, because it's all learnable skills. It's just about, first of all, identifying what are my unconscious beliefs, because that's where it starts, about what is love, where for your own emotions and for those of your partner, and a secure base, beliefs that are in alignment with secure attachment, which is that you know it's okay to need my partner in an interdependent way, without being needy and like really clarifying what that is. It's okay to be vulnerable and I can accept my own vulnerability and I have the courage to be vulnerable with my partner, and then, when they're vulnerable, I can validate their feelings rather than argue if I don't agree that I can see my feelings and needs are valid and their feelings and needs are also valid, even if they're different and that we could learn how to give each other empathy and validation and reassurance that we care and love each other. Because reassurance, if we haven't avoided an attachment style, is something that occurs as really scary. So it's all about reprogramming those limiting beliefs. And then, once we do that because I use a variety of ways coaching and neurolinguistic programming to reprogram beliefs Then it's about learning the skills of empathy, of really validating my own feelings first, because that's where it has to start.

Speaker 2: 5:53

Especially if we have avoided an attachment, usually we don't pay attention to our own feelings and for the person who has anxious attachment, it's learning how to self-soothe so that we don't have to get reactive when we're triggered. We can actually regulate our nervous system and then learn how to be vulnerable in a way that draws the other person and to emotional closeness. So that's kind of the gist of why it's hard is just because of our programming from childhood usually, or it could be a wound that we had in a previous relationship, like, let's say, we were cheated on or betrayed in some way. Then it's about working through and grieving and learning how to develop trust and to kind of read you our blueprint of who we're attracted to, because usually if we're attracted to people that are not trustworthy, it's also a wound to heal from childhood. So I also do the inner child work, but as a coach I always focus on building the skills first. You know, I think that's one of the main differences between coaching and therapy, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 6:56

Yeah, definitely, definitely. Thanks for sharing this and also the love languages in real life. How important is it to understand our partner's love language? Can we truly bridge the gaps if they differ?

Speaker 2: 7:13

Absolutely yeah, and Gary Chapman's bestselling book talks all about that. The five love languages I think there's more than five. It's really about learning the nuances. For example, my main love language is quality time, according to him. But it's not just spending quality time, even if you're not doing something else. Like he says. Quality time is not like watching TV together because you're not actually connecting. Quality time is like having dinner together or um specific than that, like for me, and it's just because in my childhood my parents were very loving but there wasn't a lot of empathy. So my love language is that when I'm feeling a feeling that, um, my husband can help me figure out what it even is, cause I mean, there's times when I'm still not sure and I need his curiosity to figure out what's going on and then do me empathy, like that really turns me on a lot, you know. So it's really figuring out what's going on and then do me empathy, like that really turns me on a lot, you know. So it's really figuring out what is it that makes you feel deeply loved, and I do agree that you know there's a.

Speaker 2: 8:24

The gary chapman's uh categories of the five are a good place to start. So those are just in brief, you know, if you want me to explain them. There's quality time, which I just mentioned. Then there's acts of service, which is doing things for each other. Like my ex-husband actually said that his ex-girlfriend was like really swooning when he used to do the dishes. When he used to do the dishes and you know, it's like she just loved feeling like she didn't have to do the housework and he'd do it for her and that made her really feel really loved. So like that's acts of service, and me and my ex-husband are actually still friends too. So I mean that's a whole nother skill set, but anyway so and I'm happily married now.

Speaker 2: 9:12

But the third is and these are not in any particular order words of affirmation. So that's appreciating each other and encouraging each other and telling each other what you love about each other, giving compliments Like some people are just really turned on by that and feel really loved by that. And the next one is gift. But it's not necessarily a superficial gift, it's thoughtful gifts, you know, really getting to know the person and what their preferences are and you know that when they open the gift that they feel like, oh my God, this person really understands what I love, and this is so meaningful to me, you know, like that kind of gift.

Speaker 2: 10:03

And then the fifth is touch, which some people really, really get open hearted when they receive touch, and that doesn't just have to be sexual touch, although obviously it includes that in a romantic relationship. But foot rubs or massages or holding hands are what makes that type of person feel loved. And so you know there's no right or wrong about it. But the reason why he broke it down into these five is that you can learn to speak each other's love language, and I do work with a lot of couples that are like misattuned, where, for example, one person shows their love by acts of service, like they go to the office every day and they're the breadwinner and they come home and maybe they even do the dishes and take the garbage out and they say I show my loves through actions and that's wonderful.

Speaker 2: 10:55

I mean, if the other person's love language is also acts of service, then that'll make them feel really loved.

Speaker 2: 11:01

But what if their love language is quality time, and so that's actually like, really a lot of times they'll not realize that and argue because the person and let's say the person who is giving acts of service, let's say they also need words of affirmation, they need to be appreciated for what they're doing, and they get confused about why the person whose love language is quality time isn't appreciating them, and that's a big misunderstanding.

Speaker 2: 11:31

And so it's about really getting curious about like, oh you know. So you mean, if I ask you how your day was and spend, you know, 20 minutes listening to you and asking you deeper questions, that's how you really feel loved. And maybe the person who has that love language would be willing to do the dishes and, you know, do more acts of service for the other person if that would free up their time to then give quality time. I think it's just about having these conversations where you clarify what are the things that I can do to make you feel loved, and I think a lot of times we just assume that the way I feel loved is the way you feel loved. It's kind of the golden rule, right.

Speaker 1: 12:09

Yeah, wow, that's lovely. Yes, and also um. Also, like some people say that vulnerability is the key to the intimacy. So, while others also fear like it pushes people away, so what's your take?

Speaker 2: 12:26

yes, it is, um, actually a really good question and probably be its own interview. But the simple distinction I like to give is there's a difference between a victim vulnerability and empowered vulnerability, and that has to do with our ability to validate our own feelings and needs. Like, for example, shame is kind of like a hot potato. A lot of times. If we can't tolerate discomfort for growth, like we can't validate ourselves, if I feel bad about myself, I'm going to either make you wrong, like you know. Let's say, you know I think it makes sense to come up with an example Like, let's say, I feel lonely. Like, let's say, I feel lonely and that's something really vulnerable and I do actually feel lonely a lot because both my husband and I work from home Not a lot, but, you know, once in a while I mean you know what I mean. That's like my main vulnerable feeling and we both work from home and he is currently a vice president of his division, so he's extremely busy and I'm an entrepreneur, so I'm pretty busy too, but I actually have more downtime. And so if I don't have the ability to self-soothe and I feel shame about feeling lonely, then I'll make him wrong. Then I'll say, because I don't want to feel shame, right? Because so that's like the victim vulnerability If I'm blaming him and saying, like you spend too much time working, why can't you spend more time with me, I feel lonely, you need to, you know, meet my need for quality time, et cetera. So that's kind of victim vulnerability. I'm being vulnerable by saying that I feel lonely because that's kind of a vulnerable thing to say, but because I'm feeling like a victim in that, or even if I'm not making him feel wrong, if I'm complaining, like I just feel so lonely and I don't know what to do, and this happens all the time, and I'm just isolated and all my friends live far away.

Speaker 2: 14:35

A lot of times that's the vulnerability that pushes other people away. It's like complaining and there's nothing wrong with complaining, especially if we're venting. I think there's like empowered venting where you know, hey, I just want to vent for 20 minutes to get it out, you know, and then I could think of solutions after. Like a lot of people need that and I think that's OK. But we need to be conscious about it, because if all we're doing is acting like a victim when we're vulnerable, then a lot of times that is what pushes the other person away because they don't want to. You know, hear a complaint without being solution focused, which is especially how people with avoidant attachment are, which is actually 25% of the population. So when I work with people who are in relationships with an avoidant especially, I teach them how, because avoidants can make great partners if they're willing to grow and learn how to be more supportive, which they can if we're not making them wrong. So, if you know because attachment styles I want to preface are not, it's not a pathology, it's not like there's something wrong with you, it's just, like I said, a belief system and a skill set that's either there or not there.

Speaker 2: 15:52

So if I'm empowered about being lonely, then I'm going to be more solution focused about it and I'm going to present it to my partner in a solution focused way. But I can still be vulnerable, and that requires me to go deeper within myself to validate my own feelings and needs to say it's okay to feel lonely, I don't have to feel ashamed about it. What I need is connection with my friends, and my friends live far away and I'm currently healing from a hip injury, which is true, and so it's harder for me to get to them temporarily, and so it makes sense that I'm temporarily lonely and I need support in brainstorming solutions for how I might be able to have more connection in my life, even though I'm in this temporary situation where I can't see people as often. And so then I'm giving myself compassion for feeling lonely and then I'm going to approach my husband like that. What I teach as well is to validate the other person's point of view before I'm vulnerable too, because a lot of times if I don't do that, then it sounds like I'm complaining. So if I approach him and say, hey, I get that you're really busy and it's not your fault that I'm lonely, but at the same time I really want to brainstorm solutions with you, because I need more connection with my friends and I don't really know how to get it right now. Are you willing to listen to me and help me brainstorm solutions? So that usually doesn't push the other person away.

Speaker 2: 17:20

But you know how I have to do the inner work in order to be able to validate my own feelings and needs before I can express them. Otherwise I like to say like it's like a kind of a funny picture, that like not funny, because shame is not funny. You know it's. It's very difficult, I'll say, because I don't actually think shame is toxic. Shame is something that is for us to do the inner work of recognizing where does it come from, and work through our limiting beliefs and look at what it is that I need in order to feel more self-acceptance, you know, because I believe that what we resist persists. But if we're not willing to do that inner work, then shame is like a hot potato where it's like I don't want it, you take it, I don't want to feel bad. So you feel bad, you know. I think I mean, I sometimes do that too, and then I have to apologize and repair.

Speaker 2: 18:16

So, you know I'm not Bob any of this stuff I mean. Sometimes I will not realize what I'm doing. I'll blame my husband, and you know. Then we'll argue and then I have to use all my own tools to repair.

Speaker 1: 18:30

So I don't want anyone out there to think I'm perfect tools to repair, so I don't want anyone out there to think I'm perfect, okay, so what? What's one simple or actionable step that couples can take today to redeem?

Speaker 2: 18:44

their connection. What is it? That is a really good question. Um, so, to redeem their connection? Um, so are you asking? Meaning like, because there's two kind of ways for me to interpret redeem. One way could be kind of if the passions died and you're kind of living like roommates, and the other could be to redeem like you feel like there is a argument that you haven't resolved, or you're like in recurring conflict, so yeah, so so which of those two scenarios? Because I think they're kind of different solutions so, uh, so for both.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Only if you can choose that, I guess, uh, there will be both kind of people.

Speaker 2: 19:28

Yeah, yeah, thank you. So because I do think that there are different solutions. So because a lot of couples will get together and there's a lot of passion in the beginning of the relationship and then they have kids and life gets in the way and you know they're busy parenting and working to support the family and doing housework, and you know all their responsibilities of being adults, adulting, and then they lose the emotional connection and then it's really important to make time. That's, I think, everybody's love language, is quality time to some extent, and if you don't have a lot of time, I encourage people to ask each other deep questions on a daily basis, like not just how was your day, but what was your favorite part of your day, what were you struggling with today that you can use support with? Or what did you feel sad or angry about today that you? Attachment is learning how to empathize and validate and give reassurance for your partner's feelings when they're feeling unpleasant feelings, because I like to say unpleasant feelings rather than good or bad feelings, because if we judge a feeling as bad, we repress it right, and so it's learning how to give each other empathy for our feelings and needs. That's the safe haven and then the secure base is making space to encourage your partner to grow and to support who they're becoming. Um and that's also equally important if you've grown apart, because especially a lot of couples run into empty nest syndrome. If you know they have kids and then the kids leave their house and then they don't, and what we're learning and how we're growing with each other to stay inspired, that you know there's more like the attachment. Research shows that people who have secure attachment are actually able to take more risks out in the world because they know that if they make mistakes, that they'll be met at home with someone supportive who can help them lick their wounds and get back out and get back on the horse again, so to speak. So that's the you know the secure base component. And so learning how to ask the questions of like what do you want next in your life and how can I support you and who you're becoming? And you know, what are you growing into? And like, do you have a hobby that you want to cultivate and how can I support you? And so really making time to ask each other deeper questions. And even if you're really busy and with young kids, I still think it's important to go out on a date night once a week, even if you're doing a babysitting share, you know, if you can't afford a babysitter, if you know you are able to watch a friend's kids for a night and then they can watch your kids when you go on the date, I really think that that's extremely important because otherwise you don't have enough time to connect deeply. So that's my advice for couples who where the passion's just died and you've grown apart. That's my advice for couples who were the passions just died and you've grown apart.

Speaker 2: 23:09

The recurring conflict I was trained in Sue Johnson's the late Sue Johnson's emotionally focused therapy even though I'm a coach, because she herself called it emotion coaching, which is basically teaching each other how to fight if you're in a cycle of recurring conflict. The most common cycle is where the anxious, attached partner is kind of going on the offensive because they notice that you feel disconnected and they're trying to solve the problem and say you don't spend enough time with me, or you don't do this or you don't do that, but they don't know the skills of self-validation and self-soothing and regulating their nervous system and you know learning how to speak in the way that I said before, with the empowered vulnerability. So instead they'll, you know, talk about what they don't want, and then the avoidant attachment partner hears it as a complaint, and then they get more distant. And then the avoidant attachment partner hears it as a complaint, and then they get more distant, and then the anxious partner will chase after them. And the avoidant partner will then usually get critical, like you're acting immature, or go into the other room and, you know, calm down and come back to me when you're calm. And so you get in this cycle of recurring conflict where the more the anxious partners on the offensive, the more the acquainted partners on the defensive, and then obviously the passion dies as well, because you're just arguing. And so the way that I solved that is or, you know, I mean Sue Johnson wrote an amazing book if you're not willing to, or you have time or resources to work with a coach called Hold Me Tight, and it's about how to identify the cycle that you're in so that you see how oh, you're not.

Speaker 2: 24:58

Actually the anxious partner needs to learn how to self-soothe and then see that the reason why the avoidant partner is acting so distant is because they feel criticized and pushed away.

Speaker 2: 25:07

Reason why the avoidant partner is acting so distant is because they feel criticized and pushed away, and that's because of the way that the anxious partner is communicating and so learning how to communicate in a more empoweredly, vulnerable way and validate the feelings and needs of the avoidant partner.

Speaker 2: 25:20

And the avoidant partner needs to learn also how to express their feelings and needs and legitimize that feelings and needs are okay, you know, because usually they just want to be more intellectual and it's about learning how, when the anxious partner is actually able to be vulnerable in an empowered way, how to validate their feelings and come up with solutions together, you know, and have this interdependence rather than independence, because usually avoidance or hardcore independent like that's your problem, you have to deal with it on your own, and you know that's not what marriage is about, but it's. It's about not making that belief wrong, because interdependence is kind of a paradox, like we do need to get this is my problem and I need to get this is my problem and I need to deal with it on my own in addition to getting support, you know. So it's kind of like when I work with people, I help to validate both points of view and then help them harmonize.

Speaker 1: 26:19

Perfect, lovely, lovely, great. It's a really great conversation. So I mean thank you, a huge thank you to Val, I would say Val Valerie, for sharing her profound insights and practical wisdom. Dear listeners and dear listeners, remember that love isn't just something we find, it's something we build. So, whether you are exploring the tantra, love languages or the art of deep connection, the journey starts with the awareness and the intention. So if you have enjoyed today's episode, please share it with someone who care about and leave us a review. And do not forget to hit that subscribe button for more enlightening discussions on the love, intimacy and the pleasure. So, with this, thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 27:05

Thank you.