Transforming Parent-Child Dynamics for Healing and Growth - Tara Mae Temple

What happens when we constantly put our parents' feelings above our own in adult relationships? Join us for a thought-provoking conversation with acclaimed author and healing expert Tara Mae Temple as we uncover the keys to transforming challenging parent-child dynamics. Learn how to articulate your boundaries with clarity and confidence, manage the delicate influence of grandparents on child-rearing, and understand the deeper implications of one-sided reconciliation efforts. Tara provides practical strategies for fostering mutual awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness, turning strained bonds into opportunities for healing and growth.

In this insightful episode, we dive into the profound journey of forgiveness and self-care when trust is at stake. Tara's wisdom reveals how embracing generational differences and extending empathy can open pathways to better communication, even when direct dialogue feels impossible. From journaling about hidden emotions to strategies for being heard when words fall short, we offer tools to nurture these fragile relationships. As we explore the transformative power of love and learning, discover how to maintain your well-being, and when necessary, gracefully step back from toxic ties. Subscribe to Pleasure Principles for more inspiring episodes that encourage you to stay connected, curious, and thriving in your personal connections.

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Chapters

• 0:06 Navigating Parent-Child Relationships as Adults
• 10:07 Healing Parent-Child Relationships Through Forgiveness
• 21:15 Building Deeper Connections With Tara

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Hello and welcome to Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we dive deep into the art of creating joy, connection and meaningful relationships in every corner of life. I'm your host, avik, and today we are tackling a topic that hits close to home for all of us parent-child relationships, especially as grown adults. So whether you are trying to mend old wounds or set healthy boundaries, or just get through a family dinner without drama, then this episode is packed with insights and the strategies to help you thrive. So joining me today is the incredible Tara Mein-Tempel.

Speaker 2: 0:55

Thank you, Abik, for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:59

Lovely, lovely. So, tara, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, tara is a celebrated author, advocate and expert on healing and harmony. So her personal journey and evidence-based strategies will inspire you to transform your relationships from fractured to flourishing. Your relationships from fractured to flourishing. So grab your favorite drink and settle in, because we are about to get real about family dynamics and the journey to deeper connections. So welcome to the show again, tara.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Thank you again. I'm so excited to dive in.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Lovely, lovely. So, Tara, to start with, I mean, if you can share, like what's the biggest misunderstanding you see between parents and their adult children?

Speaker 2: 1:56

Yes, that is a great question. What I see a lot of the times there are really big patterns and it's very common, no matter what culture you're from, between parent-child relationship is that some of us prioritize our parents' feelings as we either don't want to disappoint them or we want to please them and make them proud of us. So it's all a matter of being accepted by our parents and, you know, wanting to feel loved and approved by them. But over time, as we grow up and they, you know, they raise us, sometimes we put our feelings on the back burner because we are prioritizing how our parents think and feel of us.

Speaker 2: 2:40

But this can weigh on a child and I know this because, um, you know, I I felt the same way in my relationships with um on some of my parents as well, um, so what can happen a lot of the time is your emotional wellbeing can become compromised. Um, we have to realize that our parents are only human too, um, and they're going to make mistakes just like us, and basically we're going to have our differences. So a lot of the time, as grown adults, we can develop resentments or very strained relationships with our parents. And you know, if you're a grown adult and you're wanting to transform that or mend that relationship or come to terms and get over, you know, your childhood wounds. Now's the time to look at, maybe trying out different strategies to see how you can make that strange relationship a little lighter and more fulfilling, a little lighter and more fulfilling.

Speaker 1: 3:44

Okay, understood, and so like how do you set the healthy boundaries with family without feeling like you are pushing them away?

Speaker 2: 3:56

Yes. So what I think is very important with healthy boundaries is you have to look at developing your own script, and what I mean by that is what you can start with is ask yourself what boundary do I want to enforce with my parent and why is this boundary important for me? And then, basically, I could give you an example. Say, for example, you're raising your own children and the grandparents are giving your children too much sugar and it's driving you crazy I know this from experience in a loving and very honest way is I'd like to make a simple request that you know you stop giving the children too much sugar because it's not healthy for them. And you know I'm very self-conscious and I only say it because I want to ensure our child is healthy and doesn't have too much sugar.

Speaker 2: 5:02

So when you're enforcing this boundary, make sure you develop your script and practice in the mirror. Try to watch your tone of voice and your body language and your facial expression when you're calm and affectionate in asking for your boundary to be respected, asking for your boundary to be respected. That always equates to a gentle response from a parent. So this takes practice. Don't be hard on yourself.

Speaker 2: 5:38

You know I used to be very argumentative with my parents because I always wanted my way and was very adamant about how I wanted to raise my child, and in different cultures, grandparents will have their own ideas of how a child should be raised and they won't always be on the same page with how you want to raise your own child. So effective communication and scripting your own boundaries is important and it takes practice and it sounds silly, but I practiced in the mirror quite a few times before actually actually implementing this with one of my parents and the result is you know they, they see you, they understand you. If you, you, if you vocalize how honest you are and serious you are about your boundaries being respected, it will work wonders for you.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Understood, okay, and, like some of our listeners, feel like they are the one, the only one, I'd say, making an effort. So how? Do you handle like one-sided attempts at reconciliation.

Speaker 2: 6:52

Okay. So basically, sometimes we will have to come to an acceptance that you know your relationship may be strained with your parent and it may be very one-sided if you're the one that's only you're the only one that's trying to improve it. What it takes is great awareness to know that. You know if you do have a strain in your relationship, it does require a lot of effort on both parties' part to realize there is some room to grow and heal the relationship. And basically what it takes is forgiveness and acceptance. And I'd have to say that forgiveness is the antidote to peace.

Speaker 2: 7:40

And although it may be very difficult for a grown adult to forgive their parent for whatever mistakes they have made or have made them feel it's a chance for that adult and adult-parent relationship to become stronger again, stronger again. So it may sound silly In some cultures it may be very faux pas to speak up to your parent and let them know you know like they need to do their part in making the relationship stronger, but sometimes that doesn't always work. So what I found has worked for me coming from, you know, a Filipino background, it's very important to stay obedient and respectful towards your elders and towards your parents. So what has worked for me is I'm engaged in letter writing, so what you can do is you can write a letter to the parent that you want to forgive and the relationship that you want to make stronger and in that letter, write down and be clear about what your main concerns are and what you're forgiving them for, and write down why is it important for you to forgive. It's that there's something about it that really creates peace of mind and hope and liberation of your mind, body and soul to really heal your childhood wounds or whatever resentments you've been carrying, because there's a lot of strains that build up over time with parent-child relationships.

Speaker 2: 9:21

But if you're willing to let that go, this letter writing exercise is something that could really heal you and do justice to your relationship.

Speaker 2: 9:33

So once you're done writing the note, what you can do is you can choose to either tear it up and throw it out, say silent prayer or an affirmation over the note and get rid of it, and then, or you can choose to send it to your parent, whatever you feel comfortable with. The result of this is it helps you release the baggage and the wounds that you've been carrying and helps you move on. There's a huge release that leads to transformation in the relationship. When you do something like this and forgiveness is definitely one of the biggest aspects of being able to heal and if your parent is passed on or you're estranged from your parent or there's a very toxic relationship between you and your parent, you know, it may be a matter of just sending a silent blessing from afar and accepting the relationship for how it is, um, and then just moving on with your life in that way, um, it's, it's a great way to give yourself some peace, you know let's start.

Speaker 1: 10:45

Let's start. I'm just trying to love me, so, uh, I mean, if you can uh forgive someone, if you can forgive someone without re-establishing a close relationship, is it possible?

Speaker 2: 11:03

so your question is is it possible to um have a close relationship even though know a trust or bond has been broken between parent and child? Is that the question?

Speaker 1: 11:14

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 11:16

Yes, I love that question. It's definitely possible and I could tell you that you know I've been there as well as an adult child, where I've had resentments and you know very hurt feelings from some of my parents and what they've chosen to do in their lives. But there's a. There's really. The one thing that is part of the four rule rescue I write about in my book is the number one thing is perspective. That's one of the very simple tips that I talk about, but it has a really huge power of helping you look and focus on the big picture of your relationship. It's a matter of letting go of small things and, you know, realizing that you're two different people. You have your differences. You're not always going to agree on the same things and perspective at the end of the day, for me was a huge lifesaver, because if I continue down the road of resentment and anger towards my parents, you know, like we wouldn't, the relationship would continue to fuel fire and it would be unfulfilling. And maybe you know, like some people, they need to cut ties from their parents. But I knew that in my heart, being a person of faith, I had to find something that would save the relationship, and perspective is one of them. So how to do this is, you know, remember who birthed you and brought you up, and embrace the blessing of your parents' existence. Realize that life is short, right, parents won't always be around. Life is short, right, parents won't always be around. You know they could be jerks and make mistakes and, you know, get us angry sometimes, but we're the same way we have. We're only human and us, as grown adults, make our own mistakes.

Speaker 2: 13:25

And you know it's letting go of the small things and just realizing that.

Speaker 2: 13:30

You know you need to put yourself in their shoes. And if you were in their shoes, you know they didn't always learn what we have access to today, which is, you know, taking care of our mental and emotional and spiritual well-being. You know some of the generations of older parents all they knew how to take care of was the basic needs, and that's at no fault of their own. They were just there, working hard to be able to provide and feed their children and give them what they needed for their basic needs. And nowadays we have access to all this information of helping us to regulate our mental and emotional and physical wellbeing. But we have to realize that our parents did not have access to that and and you know, be be compassionate about that. Have compassion for our parents, because if we were in their shoes, we would probably be doing some of the same things that they have. But we're so lucky and blessed that we can have different strategies to choose from to live a better life ourselves.

Speaker 1: 14:47

I took lady on this yeah, differentiates. I took a little bit on this yeah, differentiate, yes. And also like, uh, why do so many parent-child relationships vary at communication? And uh, at the same time, like, what are some of the practical fixes?

Speaker 2: 15:03

okay, that that's great. Um, so basically I think it's from what I've seen and what I've studied and in my own experience as well they fail because they're lacking effective communication. A lot of children have felt unheard by their parents and they're always afraid to maybe speak up to them or say or vocalize what they need or what they were thinking, you know, because maybe they were shamed for their thoughts or, you know, weren't allowed to speak up because they need to be obedient to their parents and that could vary across cultures as well, but basically, but basically. What it takes is a lot of effort and time learning how to vocalize your needs to your parent and letting them know they need to provide a listening ear. So if you notice your parent is not listening to you, you're not being heard. It takes a conscious effort on our part to say to them please, I really need you to hear me out and just listen. You know, when we're inauthentic and we can't be honest with our parent about something because you're too scared about, you know, of disappointing them, or you know not being approved by them or being outcast by them, Um, sometimes all it takes is for you to just be honest and upfront with them and almost always this yields a compassionate response, Um, but then I know that there could be some people that um have parents that are just very hard-headed and are stubborn and won't hear you out.

Speaker 2: 16:58

So what I encourage, which is very therapeutic, is just to write a letter or journal about what your feelings are.

Speaker 2: 17:07

If your parent is rejecting you or doesn't want to hear you out about something, is you need to journal that and get that out of your system and you can make another effort if you wish to try and work on your communication and see if they'll hear you out and you know after only certain number of times.

Speaker 2: 17:32

I recommend never give up, but sometimes if that relationship is strained and toxic, sometimes to protect your own well-being and mental health, sometimes it will just take acceptance on your part to accept the relationship for how it is. And there's other outlets we could do, like journal writing, to really express how our anger and our different emotions surrounding what that relationship is like with our parents. But basically I recommend there's a lot of articles out there and books that talk about effective communication and how you can communicate in a way to articulate your thoughts with the parents that's still respectful of them, without you know, without being too aggressive or trying to make it seem like you're disrespecting them. So I encourage you to do your research and practice it. It takes some scripts, so like you can write your own scripts about how you would like to effectively communicate with them, and I find that works every time.

Speaker 1: 18:46

Understood, got it, yeah, okay, and also, like I mean, any advice would you like to share with the listeners?

Speaker 2: 18:56

Yes. So let's see here. So, basically, being human, we go through ebbs and flows in life, right? So we're going to. Even though we feel like we could be in a good place in our relationship with our parent, there's going to be obstacles along the way where we feel like we're being tested. Their practice, avoidance tactics of not speaking to their parent for a while, or, you know, just kind of giving their parent the cold shoulder, and this is all normal human reactions. I don't want you to feel ashamed about these emotions that you're feeling, because every adult child feels this way at one point or another.

Speaker 2: 19:52

But when you have moments, say you're, you know, have family gatherings or you're just spending some quality time with your parents, you can choose. The answer is to choose peace and love in those moments. Those moments can last. They could be very short term and can only last for a little bit. But you know there's ways to be respectful and you know, know where they're coming from. They're only human. Realize that they did their best with what they knew and you really do have the power to heal your relationship. So it's really possible to heal that relationship. But just know that it takes time. It doesn't happen overnight, but it features those little moments of joy of you know really savoring that precious moment of time with your parent or parents. That tends to do miracles in your life. So look out for those little moments, because I know life is filled with a lot of hardships but you need to really. It takes a matter of using a positive mindset to focus on those very, very precious moments with family and our parents.

Speaker 1: 21:15

Yeah, great. So that's really a transformative conversation with you, tara. I mean, the relationship aren't easy, but they are worth it, and Tara's insights remind us that healing and thriving together is absolutely possible. So, if you have loved this episode, do not forget to share it with someone you care about, and follow us on Instagram and subscribe to Pleasure Principles for more episodes that inspire deeper connections and a life filled with joy. So so, thank you so much for tuning in and remember that every relationship is a journey, so keep walking, learning and loving Until next time. This is your host, tavik, signing off with a heart full of gratitude. So stay connected, stay curious and keep thriving. Thank you so much.