Ple^sure Principles
Join us on Ple^sure Principles, the podcast where desire meets discovery. The host, delves into the world of sensual pleasure, intimacy, and relationships, exploring the complexities and nuances of human connection.
What we focus on?
- Candid conversations with experts, thought leaders, and everyday people
- Insights on sexual health, wellness, and self-care
- Explorations of kink, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles
- Discussions on consent, communication, and boundary-setting
- Personal stories of pleasure, passion, and transformation
Ple^sure Principles
Reigniting Desire and Connection Through Burnout Awareness and Boundaries - Sally Holden
What happens to our most intimate connections when burnout takes over our lives? Join us and our special guest, Sally Holden—a renowned gynecologist, intuitive life coach, and best-selling author—as we uncover the intricate ties between burnout, libido, and the body’s instinct to prioritize survival over connection. Sally brings her expert insights into the stages of burnout, from hypervigilance to adrenal fatigue, and how each stage saps our energy and desire. We challenge the normalization of exhaustion in today’s society, advocating for a much-needed awareness of our body’s signals to prevent reaching critical burnout stages. Sally shares her wisdom on restoring energy and desire, starting with foundational practices like quality sleep, hydration, and oxygenation.
Discover powerful strategies to reignite passion and connection in relationships, emphasizing the importance of communication and self-awareness. Sally discusses how emotions such as anger and resentment can act as valuable indicators for setting compassionate boundaries. We also tackle the common struggle of incorporating self-care into a busy lifestyle and highlight the importance of establishing healthy boundaries to stave off burnout. Furthermore, Sally introduces the concept of polarity in relationships, offering practical tips to enhance energy and physical connection, such as spending quality time together and fostering emotional attunement. This episode is essential for anyone eager to nurture their personal and relational health amidst the fast-paced demands of modern life.
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...Hey everyone, I'm your host, havik, and this is the podcast where we explore all things connection, intimacy and the joy of living a fulfilled life mind, body and the soul. So today we are diving into a topic that hits close to homes for so many, like how burnout and exertion can impact our physical connection and the desire and, more importantly, what we can do to reignite this spark. So joining us today is the incredible Sally Holden. So welcome to the show, sally.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Avik. It's wonderful to be here with you.
Speaker 1:Lovely, lovely, Great. So, Sally, before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, Sally is a gynecologist, intuitive life coach and best-selling author of Tribe and a Joyful Life. So Shaili has been empowering people worldwide to overcome the burnout, claim their energy and live joyfully for over 14 years. So get ready for some wisdom, loves and maybe even a few revelations. So let's get in. Welcome to the show again.
Speaker 2:Amazing. Thank you so much for that lovely introduction as well, avik.
Speaker 1:Great, lovely, lovely, lovely. So, sally, if you can share, how does burnout especially impact the physical connection and intimacy?
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:I think the biggest thing is obviously the loss of energy and the physical exhaustion, and it can be really difficult.
Speaker 2:We tend to end up losing a lot of our libido going through burnout, and one of the reasons for that is when the body is in a state of survival, meaning it's been in the fight-flight autonomic response for such a long time in that survival state the body actually predisposes or it takes the precursors that would normally go into creating our sex hormones and actually shuttles all of that into cortisol and adrenaline to help the body survive. So it will prioritize survival over reproduction, which, of course, is evolutionarily really important. However, what actually happens is so many people lose their libido over that period of time and there can be many other symptoms which can really impact the way that we feel and generally there's a huge amount of social withdrawal as a way of trying to conserve energy when we're going through burnout as well. So it can really impact in many ways and just the exhaustion. Most people you know are just literally trying to get through their day when they're in burnout, let alone exert their energy in many other ways as well. So it can be a huge factor.
Speaker 1:Lovely, lovely and then so some people say that exhaustion is just a part of the modern life. So do you think that I mean that's a valid excuse, or is it something that we are following to control us?
Speaker 2:I think there's varying degrees and I normally explain burnout in three different stages, because a lot of people can kind of recognize themselves in perhaps one or all of those particular stages. So the first stage is hypervigilance, and that is where we are go, go, go. Can't stop continually pushing ourselves, continually overriding our own limits or our own messages from the body. Often there can be denial disassociation within the body as well, which means that we're missing the cues of perhaps even thirst, hunger and exhaustion for sure. So it's this normalization I think that's occurred that has had everybody just think oh well, this is just the way that life is now, where it's incredibly unhealthy obviously to be living in that way. And the body, whilst it's designed definitely to go through periods of stress, having that chronic and then acute stresses on top of it really tips the body over the edge. And then that's when we go into stage two, which is more adrenal fatigue. And adrenal fatigue is where we are starting to become more and more exhausted, less resilient, more teary particularly for a lot of women or feeling less able to cope with the everyday stresses, and we're starting to lose capacity and nervous system resilience and what actually happens is our window of tolerance actually starts to decrease and get smaller and smaller, so we're less able to cope with those things. Most people find at this particular stage they're really craving a lot of stimulants such as caffeine or high fat, high sugar foods, high carbohydrate foods try and get them through the day or to try and boost their energy or rally their energy, and they're really starting to find that they're not recovering as well as perhaps what they were previously from like a good night's sleep.
Speaker 2:Insomnia can really start to creep in at this particular stage as well.
Speaker 2:And then if people don't heed those messages and certainly that was my experience, where I just continued to push myself and I thought I've always been able to rally my energy and push through and it's all good, that's all I've got to do and if we keep doing that, we will end up in stage three, which is adrenal exhaustion, which is where the body is no longer able to rally any response, and it's like trying to put your foot on the accelerator in the car and nothing happens, and it's a very scary stage to get to.
Speaker 2:For me personally I was only able to function about two hours a day when I went through that stage and everyday things such as having a shower, preparing a meal, was completely overwhelming and exhausting to me at that particular point. So there's several different stages of tiredness and exhaustion that people can end up in, and if we continue to override the body's responses and messages, we definitely can end up in stage three of just complete and utter exhaustion. It doesn't matter how much you sleep, you just literally are waking up feeling completely exhausted and as if you haven't slept at all. So it can be really challenging, particularly when we're talking about connection and intimacy, and actually the desire to actually be physically intimate can definitely be significantly impacted, particularly in that last phase.
Speaker 1:That's really lovely. I would say yeah and also like if I can share. When someone feels emotionally and physically drained, how do they even begin to rebuild desire and energy?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think a great place to start is with the physical body and the physical well-being. So ensuring good quality sleep, plenty of water, oxygen, like all the when I say oxygen, like obviously we're breathing, but often when we're in that such a strong survival response and when the body's dropped into that freeze, dorsal, vagal shutdown, we're breathing very shallowly at that particular point. So that can be very difficult. Just having adequate oxygen in so doing deep breathing exercises definitely can help, along with processing any particular emotions that are there, and sometimes that's just being present with what, any particular emotions that are there, and sometimes that's just being present with what we're actually feeling and experiencing.
Speaker 2:Having foods that are reducing inflammation so things like gluten, dairy and processed foods and sugars can all drive inflammation, which creates a sense of brain fog and also will add to the exhaustion as well.
Speaker 2:So cutting out those sorts of things and working with somebody that can really support if their vitamins or minerals are deficient as well, particularly for mitochondrial function, is really important, but at a real base level.
Speaker 2:Getting sunlight, water, good food and gentle movement, not pushing yourself too hard to really force yourself to physically exercise, particularly if you're not feeling up to that.
Speaker 2:They can be very grounding and stabilizing places to start. And the very next thing I would say is also literally say no to any particular things, that you absolutely don't have to do so if it's like literally just taking as much as you can off your plate or off your agenda, and really prioritizing rest and recovery is really, really important. And the other part, because the inner critic can become very, very loud the more that the body becomes physically compromised, so the more exhausted and tired we are. Often our inner critic becomes exceptionally loud and that can even drain us. Even if we are taking time to rest or, you know, relaxing on the couch or something, if we're laying there and beating ourselves up, making ourselves feel bad for not doing something, then that can be just as draining and stressful for the body as actually going and working or exercising too much or things like that as well. So really ensuring perhaps working with somebody that they resonate with or trust to really support the mindset in bringing a lot of self-love and compassion can really make a huge difference as well.
Speaker 1:That's awesome and also, like some people argue that focusing on self-care is selfish in a partnership. So how would you respond to this mindset?
Speaker 2:I think it's really hard. It sounds so cliche to say to that, but it is really hard to give when you've got nothing left for yourself, and I think it is self-responsible to actually fill up our tank first and be able to lovingly communicate with our partner, not just shutting down and withdrawing and, you know, kind of pushing them away, but actually saying, look, I'm in this really difficult place for myself at the moment. I really need to focus on my self-care. Communication, of course, is really, really important at that particular point, but also ensuring that, yeah, literally it will produce anger and resentment if we're giving and we haven't got anything left, because anger and resentment is actually very, very protective energies.
Speaker 2:Most people that I've spoken with and certainly this was my experience felt that anger was really wrong to feel angry and to feel any of those emotions. However, it is a very protective energy and it's letting us know that either we haven't got capacity to connect or to be with somebody or to do something, and or it's, you know, listening to our own boundaries as well, of what feels right for us in that particular moment, and I think it's really important to be able to communicate those in a way that's loving and compassionate. That's, understanding or helping our partner understand where we're actually at and what we actually need for support, and then also listening to understand what it is that they're needing or wanting from the relationship or from you at that particular time and seeing if there can be another way that you can kind of create a connection, but maybe in a way that works for both people. Sometimes there is no compromise, sometimes there is just literally. I really just need to focus on myself right now, and that can be difficult.
Speaker 1:Understood, Understood and so, like listeners often say that I'm too busy for self-care. So what's your advice for fitting it into a kind of hectic schedule?
Speaker 2:I think starting small is really important. Less is often more, and particularly the more tired and the more exhausted we are is really really important to go slow or to not overwhelm ourselves by trying to put additional pressures on ourselves. I think a lot of the things that actually get in the way of self-care is actually the reason that people burn out in the first place, because they're not necessarily setting healthy boundaries, or a lot of the conversations that I've had with people I never like to assume anything, and I know that I've been through very, very busy periods of time in my own life as well where it really felt like I just had to keep going no matter what, and so that can be really difficult if somebody is in that experience as well. However, really coming back to ourself and prioritizing, really asking ourself what is most important, because often people can have deeper fears, like I can't let anyone down, I've got to keep going, and many of the people that I've spoken to that have experienced burnout, often take over responsibility for others, and often they're the go-to person for lots of people, and so that can put a lot of pressure on our system to try and live up to that standard and live up to that identity, of being that person for everyone. And this is part of the healing.
Speaker 2:The pattern that predisposes people and takes people into burnout is letting go of some of those belief systems. That is keeping us stuck in that over-responsibility. Keeping us stuck in that over-responsibility and really understanding that without our health and most people get this, but until we've actually been through or lost our health in some way, shape or form, we often just can unconsciously believe that we're kind of indestructible and we can just keep going no matter what. We've always been able to do that, so we'll always be able to do that, and certainly that was not my experience and lots of people that I've spoken with as well.
Speaker 1:That's great. And so what would you say to someone who feels like the passion is gone for good? I mean, is it always possible to rekindle it?
Speaker 2:I definitely think that passion is very, very much interrelated to being in our polarity and whether that's a same-sex couple or whether that's opposite-sex couple, there's always a polarity where one person is more in their feminine essence and the other partner is more in their masculine essence essence and the other partner is more in the masculine essence. Now, when there's depolarization, that happens where perhaps and if I use opposite sex couple just as an example where the female may be feeling very, very stressed and she's gone into her masculine energy, she's go, go, go, do, do, do, get lots of things done constantly in drive and push mode is done constantly in drive and push mode. Then there loses definitely like a polarization that creates like a magnetic attraction, and my partner and I are very consciously aware of that depolarization as well. And it can feel awful, like there's zero chemistry when both of us are either in the same energy.
Speaker 2:So if I'm in masculine and he's in masculine, or if we're both in feminine energy and there's balanced and unbalanced versions of both of those, and when that plays out it doesn't feel very good and the moment we step back into he's in his divine masculine, I'm in my divine feminine. It's like magic and fireworks and passion majorly, and I think one of the major things that happens is if people aren't aware of this. Just the day-to-day stresses of life can really take a toll on being in our balanced feminine or masculine versions of ourself, and of course, childhood patterns can play into that as well. So I absolutely definitely believe that passion can be rekindled. A deeper conversation around that that can affect passion and particularly intimate relationships is alignment of values and also compatibility at the deepest level and I think that that's more of an issue than other things that can kind of play out and the compatibility to be able to meet each other's needs in a way that is allowing us to still express ourselves authentically in the best version of ourselves.
Speaker 1:That's great, that's great, that's great, that's great and huh, so what? So what's one quick or maybe practical tip that listeners can try today to start improving both their energy and their physical connection?
Speaker 2:I think, really just actually connecting and spending time together, and not necessarily needing it to be of a sexual nature, but actually just connecting physically. And I feel that bringing presence and emotional attunement is most important. So it's just really being present with each other and feeling into and expressing that's how each other's feeling at that particular time. Kim Anami talks a lot about like clearing the windscreen or clearing the glass between both people. If there's things unspoken or things left unsaid, that is in the way that will definitely impact intimacy. So really taking that time and prioritizing a relationship is really important as well, and really understanding where the other person's coming from and, I think, for improving energy overall. Really taking good care of the physical body, prioritizing rest some of the other things that I mentioned previously, I think is really really important but definitely taking that time to be very, very present and communicate you know communication is essential, I think, in creating all forms of intimacy, because it's really that mutual understanding that creates the intimacy in the first place, whether that be physically or mentally or emotionally.
Speaker 1:That's really awesome on this and that wraps up another insightful episode of Pleasure Principles. A big thank you to Sally for sharing her wisdom and vulnerability and the actionable advice on overcoming the burnout and reigniting the desire. So, dear listeners, if today's episode or the conversation has resonated with you all, do not forget to I mean, don't keep it to yourself Share this episode and subscribe and leave a review, and let's keep these important conversations going. So until next time, this is your host, avik, reminding you to prioritize pleasure, nurture your connections and live a joyful and energized life. So stay connected, stay inspired. See you soon. Thank you so much, thank you.
