Finding Love and Connection Beyond 50 Through Self-Reflection and Online Dating - Deb Dutcher

Ever wondered how to find love and meaningful connections later in life? Join us as we chat with the extraordinary Deb Dutcher, a 72-year-old dynamo who shares her insights and experiences on senior dating. Deb's journey from enduring divorce to developing the Finding Mr. Adorable Journey program is nothing short of inspiring. Her candid tales of embracing online dating, despite the challenges, and her transition from author to course creator offer a refreshing perspective on love beyond 50. Together, we unpack the myths about aging and intimacy, proving that the desire for companionship is timeless.

Our conversation also takes a deep dive into the practicalities of online dating for those re-entering the scene after long-term relationships. With insights from my coaching experience, we explore self-reflection as a crucial first step and share techniques to identify genuine connections while dodging scams. The discussion highlights the transformative power of self-love, encouraging listeners to view dating as a journey of personal growth. As we close, I invite you to spread positivity, dream big, and love boldly, ensuring you're prepared for future exciting conversations.

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Chapters

• 0:07 Finding Love After 50
• 15:13 Navigating Online Dating After Long Relationships
• 27:35 Spreading Inspiration and Love With Friends

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey, fabulous listeners, welcome back to Pleasure Principles. I'm your host, avik, and today we are diving into a topic that's equal parts of fun, intriguing and deeply personal. Yes, I'm talking about intimacy, dating and rediscovering joy in the relationship after 50, 60 and even 70. So let's face it, like there's no expiration date on the connection, the romance or the laughter. And if you have ever wondered, like, whether it's possible to navigate the modern dating scene or maybe embrace your sensuality and find a partner who truly makes your heart skip a bit, then this episode is for you. And joining me today is the incredible Deb Dutcher. So welcome to the show, deb. Thank you, avik, lovely, lovely, dave dutcher.

Speaker 1: 1:07

So welcome to the show, dave. Thank you, avik, lovely, lovely. So, dave, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, dave is a 72 year old dynamo, twice divorced and the creator of Finding Mr Adorable Journey. So Dave's a certified health coach, a former VP in high tech and a top 10 senior dating expert. So she has helped hundreds of boomer girls find love, confidence and fun through her savvy approach to the online dating. So grab your favorite drink, settle in and get ready to laugh, learn and feel inspired as we explore the thrills, challenges and the joys of intimacy and dating later in life. So let's get started. Welcome to the show again.

Speaker 2: 2:07

Thank you for having me, and I think what I want to say to your listeners first is, when we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, it's all about building and growing and establishing a family, and when we're intimate with our partner, it just goes along with it, because you're married and you're in love and you're definitely committed to each other. When something happens to lose that, I myself lost my first marriage after 31 years and I'd been with that man since I was 19. So for myself and many of my clients and students, we suddenly wake up alone and we think now what? I'm not dead inside, I'm still a vital sexual being. What do I do now? I don't want to play around, I don't want to sleep around, I don't want to get in trouble, but I want intimacy and I want connection and I want love and I am so happy to tell you that it doesn't go away.

Speaker 2: 3:10

I was 51 the first time and I just jumped into the dating pool and I went. I'm here, you know, let's see what can happen. I haven't, you know, dried up and blown away. So I need to see what I can do now that I'm out of this committed, safe, exclusive relationship, and you have to make a lot of decisions about who you are and what you want and what you don't want. The first time out I was not smart and I married on the rebound and I ended up learning a lot of things I didn't want. Finally, at 68, I walked away and again I sat there going now what I'm 68. Who is going to want me? Well, guess what? Lots of people want you.

Speaker 1: 3:50

Yeah. And if you handle it right. There is a beautiful world out there of love and connection and intimacy Exactly, exactly, yeah, Perfect, exactly, exactly, yeah, perfect.

Speaker 2: 4:09

And also, uh, like, if you can, if you can also share, like what inspired you to create, finding mr and rebel journey and start coaching others so, as a health coach, while I was going through my singledom in my 60s, I was working with a lot of clients and my book is sexy, lean and strong after 50. And I would get them sexy, lean and strong. And now they're either widowed or divorced and they're going well. I want a guy. And you do really well on online dating. Teach me how. And I'm like, oh my God Cause I had written a book as a health coach to tell everybody exactly how I got sexy. Because I had written a book as a health coach to tell everybody exactly how I got sexy, lean and strong after being fat, depressed and divorced. And so I thought, okay, maybe I'll write another book. I went no, no, no, I do not want to write another book. It takes forever, and then you have to promote it and publish it and all these other things. What else can I do? And I looked at the scope of what's going on today on the internet and I went oh, online courses, I could do a little workshop. I could do you know, little cheat sheets. I could do stuff without having to write a whole book.

Speaker 2: 5:16

So I sat down and, as a former process engineering manager and VP and project manager. I created a process and I called it the Finding Mr Adorable Journey and I started teaching it to my clients and I talked about it on TikTok and I got customers off of TikTok and it just kept growing. And I've been at it for two years now and I've got the formal group version that we're right in the middle of and I've got a do-it-yourself version that you can take yourself through and it's much less expensive. And I do private coaching, where I help people rewrite their profiles and readjust their attitudes, because we are different people. Every time we come out of a relationship we have grown and part of us is going through pain. So I teach people how to get over all of that and it's a process. You have to be conscious about it. You don't just get out there and go here I am, come get me. You've got to do it the right way.

Speaker 1: 6:17

I really love the way you explain. I really loved it. Yeah, so um and um here, here one more thing like how, how did your own experiences, like those hundred first dates, shape the principle of your system?

Speaker 2: 6:34

Ah, so the yeah. So how? How I first approached it at 51 was, you know, I was in shock. I was basically in this zombie coma of he doesn't want me anymore. I have to start over, I have to go see if anybody wants me. And I didn't have any reference for dating except at 19 in college. And so I said, okay, I'll just be 19 again and I'll say yes to anybody that asks me out that meets certain criteria. In college, those criteria was you can't be a smoker, you can't be married and you can't have an STD. And I dated professors and I dated you know you name it. I dated it frat rats and you know whatever. But I had no discriminatory senses at 19,. Right, I ended up married at 21.

Speaker 2: 7:30

And again, I have no discriminatory senses. I have one beautiful loving relationship and I only know that one person. And I have peripheral knowledge of other men that I'm working with and some of them are creeps and peripheral knowledge of friends' husbands and boyfriends, but I don't know how to size up other men. So at 51, out on the open scene, I made a ton of mistakes and I wasn't careful and I could have gotten myself into lots of scrapes, but somehow I survived with nothing bad happening to me and I broke a few hearts right. And then I married again at 54 and I married incorrectly. I didn't sit down and plan it, I didn't look at all the issues and I married kind of on the rebound, like a year after the divorce was final. And so the next time and I'm in a marriage and I'm trying to make it work and it's not because there's big missing chunks to a relationship that I wasn't cognizant of because I was in high tech and I wasn't paying attention to my gut, I was working with my head and all kinds of things were not being worked correctly.

Speaker 2: 8:43

When I walked away at 68, I said you got to do this differently. You don't have a lot of time. You got to keep your figure together for a couple of years. You got to go out there and hunt, but you have to hunt smart. It's not about whoever jumps into your net, it's about who you put in the net and why you put them in the net. And so I have all these metaphors for dating online, because I tell people in the beginning you've got to go into a cocoon, figure out what you want and don't want, get really clear on that and go back out there knowing you are worthy of exactly what you want. So all those dates helped me form a picture of what I wanted and what I didn't want and I went through a few relationships honing that image, honing that sense, honing that list, because a lot of dating coaches say don't make a list, and I say absolutely make a list after 50 or you're going to get yourself in trouble.

Speaker 1: 9:51

I really loved what you mentioned. One thing is like I mean, this is coming to my mind, because you know I won't take the name but uh, uh, one of my friend, uh, she, uh, she is also divorced now. Um, so because we are friends, we are childhood friends and, um, she used to share, like uh, uh, what is happening with her right now. So I mean, is it like after divorce, uh, getting into a, immediately getting into a date? Is it a kind of infatuation? Or I mean, what do you say?

Speaker 2: 10:30

I think it's the excitement, it's the you don't know who they are. You know, you might have vetted them a little if it's online dating or someone is introducing them to you. You don't know who they are and you don't know how you're going to connect. And that's exciting because you get to explore something new, someone new. And the first date is all about do I feel any chemistry? Are there any tingles? I call it sparks. Are there any sparks?

Speaker 2: 10:58

I've had first dates where I sat next to someone in a noisy, crowded sports bar and our hands barely touched and our legs barely touched on these high stools and I'm tingling all over and so is he. And so we go through this getting to know you in this noisy bar, and then he walks me out to my car and both of us just kind of merged together and kissed and I pulled away and I went sparks and he went yeah, and you do that, you just you know. Then you say okay, so I'd like to see you again and see where this goes. What do you think? And as you go to the second date, so the first date is all about is he intelligent enough or are they because it's male female? Are they intelligent enough. Are they fun? Are they interesting? Is there a spark? Would I want to see him again? And here's the final question Avik. Every single time I ask could I wake up to that face?

Speaker 1: 12:02

I ask could I wake up to that face? Wow, that's a great, great, great perspective. So quote, unquote my friend, if you are listening to this, get listened to the whole episode. You will get a lot out of it.

Speaker 2: 12:15

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 12:18

So yeah, yeah. So, like I mean, dating after 50 can uh, for for few, like uh feel daunting as well. Definitely, especially with the societal messages like, which tells us like we should just be happy alone or blah, blah, blah. So how do you help people overcome that self-doubt, getting confused, and also take that leap into dating?

Speaker 2: 12:51

That's why the course, that's why I do the free meetups so people can just pick my brains for an hour a week, monday and Friday. They're two hours a week and I do the course. I also have a YouTube channel, but I'm not really I haven't published enough yet. The thing about the self-doubt you're always going to have self-doubt, it doesn't matter what age you are. So once you say age is immaterial, age is irrelevant. I am healthy, I am sexy, I am vital, I am strong, I am worthy, I am loving, I am lovable, I am worthy of love, I am adorable, I am loved, I am love and that's an affirmation. I teach and I put it in my book when I was getting divorced and I've added to it for the dating cycle and I teach it to my clients and my students.

Speaker 2: 13:45

You literally go look in the mirror, no matter how much self-doubt you've got, you stand in front of the mirror, you go to soft eyes, you look at yourself deep in your soul. You repeat those phrases until you believe them Every time morning, afternoon, night, until you believe them. It's like an affirmation, but it's my mantra. No matter what I'm going through, I fall back to that. I am beautiful, I am loving, I am lovable. I am worthy of love, I am loved, I am adored. Love, I am loved, I am adored, I am love. And when that sinks in and when it hits your heart, that's when you go back and look at dating sites, that's when you go out on your next date, that's when you go out the door and you shine love on everyone and self-doubt goes away.

Speaker 1: 14:44

Lovely and definitely I would love to check out the details and, dear listeners, what I'll do I'll put all the details into the show notes as well, so that you can definitely reach out to Dave and, if you have so, if anyone wants to reach out to you for any one-to-one sessions as well, you do help.

Speaker 2: 15:06

Yes, if you go to the website, it's findingmradorablecom. Findingmradorablecom. And I do coach men. I just don't have courses for them. I do private coaching for men. But it allows you to book a call with me to download my little seven easy hacks to winning an online dating and it lets you look at a lot of my information and information about the courses. It lets you look at a lot of my information and information about the courses.

Speaker 2: 15:34

There's so much that I have poured into this new offering in my life because as a health coach, I loved helping people transform from fat, depressed, divorced alone, sad, no energy, and dating is the same thing. We have to transform from whatever state we're in, and it's like going into a cocoon. And you come into a cocoon and you turn into mush and you come out as a beautiful butterfly. And that is the analogy I use, because every single time we have to regroup after a disappointment or a loss, we have got to honor that cycle. What I do in my course and with my students and clients is teach you how to get through that cycle faster. It doesn't have to be years, Because when you're breaking up with a boyfriend that you turn 70 with and you're going to turn 71, you're like okay, it took me six months last time to get out of this cocoon.

Speaker 2: 16:34

I have six J's because I just launched my course and I'm teaching them how to find a Mr Adorable and I just said goodbye to mine. So I posted on a website, on a dating site, and I found a Mr Adorable. I was dating five or six guys within two weeks and I found one and we committed in seven weeks. But I found him in three weeks on that site because I knew exactly what I was looking for and we're now together. It'll be two years, february 2nd.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Wow, awesome, that's really really awesome and that's such a powerful point. Awesome, that's really really awesome and that's such a powerful point. I mean, self-love really is the foundation for putting oneself out there, and, yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2: 17:18

It's the first thing in my little ebook. It's free, you just download it and I know you're supposed to do lots of mailing to people that get on your mailing list. I'm atrocious. You get like four emails and then it's like okay, better talk to me personally, because I don't have time for this and all my coaches are going. You need to write more emails.

Speaker 1: 17:40

I'm not stuck, great yeah. And also like, because most of the people like I mean I can tell about my generation and the generation nearby. So we are mostly into the online dating.

Speaker 2: 17:58

So I mean it's too hard to meet people in real life, in daily life so many constraints. I think you can vet people better with online dating if you're properly trained and prepared, because you can cut them off easy when they just, when something doesn't feel right or goes sour. You meet people in real life that someone introduced you to. You're kind of stuck. It's like uh-oh, how do I get rid of this person who now has information about me, you know?

Speaker 1: 18:29

Yeah, yeah, exactly yeah. So, like for someone who's been out of out of the dating game for decades and the platforms which is like the match gender can can feel overwhelming for them. So for them, like what's the first step to navigating the online dating with the confidence? What do you suggest?

Speaker 2: 18:53

So the very first step again is to go through that soul searching. Do not just jump on a dating site, like I did at 51, and go OK, what the hell? And I just threw up a profile, didn't even think about anything, just did a you know regurgitation of God knows what threw up some photos and my tag was have dog will travel and get a little deeper into it, because it is scarier now. So many less people were using online dating back 21 years ago when I first started, and now there's a lot of scammers, there's a lot of people trying to get something from someone. So you really have to know what you're doing and you don't want to stay on any one site too long, because the algorithm goes stale. You don't pop up to the top of the searches. Plus, here's the other thing it's not you, whatever that site has collected as that crop of potential matches.

Speaker 2: 20:01

So if you're on for a month and you don't find someone worthy, get on a different site. Don't buy long-term contracts. I don't care how cheap they are. Buy one month, three months max, because you need to be flexible and adaptable. You need to be a butterfly. You need to fly to a new meadow when the flowers aren't there.

Speaker 1: 20:27

Exactly, yeah. And I mean, does uh your system like help people, uh, weed out the wrong matters and zero in there.

Speaker 2: 20:40

Zero in there, mr adorable there's a whole chapter on that in the course and it's all about dealing with scammers, spotting scammers and blowing them away, knowing how to do the right kind of searches to make sure they're who they say they are. A lot of guys I see just when I'm helping my clients, so I do an over-the-shoulder coaching process if you're working with me as a private client and we log in to your dating profile and we look at at potential matches and I can instantly see things that aren't going to work. So I'm teaching them how to spot. And then you can do reverse Google searches on photos and a lot of these guys are pulling models off the internet, you know.

Speaker 2: 21:23

So there was an investigative reporter and she was hit on. She was on a dating site and she was hit on. She was on a dating site and she was hit on by this person and he was actually turned out after months of leading him on. She was doing all kinds of background search and he was using a photo of a country singer and that poor man had had his photo used a hundred times and it was just disgusting. So you've got to be properly prepped and aware and not fall into those traps and I teach people how to do that. It's complicated. It's not a quick two minute answer.

Speaker 1: 21:59

You've got to take a lot of precautions that's brilliant, because dating isn't about just finding just anyone. It's about finding the right one for uh, for you, dear listeners. Um, that's great. And so now we'll uh talk about, uh, this very, very common uh and uh tempting word we all uh listen and hear everywhere, which is intimacy, and so I mean yes, so so intimacy uh changes as we age, but again, I I don't believe in age, because it's just the number. So uh like um, but, but that doesn't mean like it's any uh less and fulfilling also. So how do you encourage people to embrace their sexuality and let go of any insecurities that might have?

Speaker 2: 23:01

So when you come out of a really long relationship and you've only been with one person for a long time, there's definitely a lot of trepidation and concern and the aging of your body and you're worried about what someone's going to think. I'm going to share with you one of my secrets. First of all, you don't get intimate with everyone. They have to be worthy and you have to feel something, you have to want to connect with them that way. But as we age, one of the things that I've done is I've said to the person that we're considering being intimate with and it's usually by the fifth or sixth date that conversation is happening and I will say to them I don't want to just, you know, get naked and do this. So we're going to give each other a full body massage no happy ending and they just look at me and I go, yep, we're going to go in, get naked and get on a sheet and some towels and I'm going to have massage oil and you're going to massage me and I'm going to massage you because it breaks down the barriers, because I used to go to nudie camps and I used to go to nudist beaches, so I'm kind of okay in that space and I'm a health coach and I stay fit, so I'm kind of confident with my body, even at 72. Right, and it's very interesting when you do that, because you know you dim the lights, you put the candles, you put on the music and you try to just be sensual and loving and giving without having to deal with the performance, right.

Speaker 2: 24:31

So now you're used to each other, you've seen each other, and then what we do is we set a date for a romantic rendezvous and we pick one or the other's homes. You know I don't like to go to hotels and that's kind of tacky, but unless I'm traveling with you and then you have to communicate. The most important thing about becoming intimate with someone new and after long relationships or a dry spell is you just got to be honest. You just look them in the eye and go. You know I'm 68. Here's what works, here's what doesn't. I need some helpers, you know, by the bed, and then they usually are going to confess well, I have to take a little pill, so I need 45 minutes of notice and you just be honest about it. You accept the fact you're dealing with an older body, that there are things that are going to not necessarily work and you just learn how to please each other.

Speaker 1: 25:30

Whatever system works right yeah, wow, great, lovely, yeah. So, um, I definitely want to uh discuss more, but because the time is constrained, but, uh, like, for someone, uh, who's listening and thinking right now, that's all sounds great, but I'm not sure, like, if I'm ready, like what's the one thing they can do today to start their journey.

Speaker 2: 26:05

If they don't think they're ready, they need to ask themselves why. Why am I not ready? What am I worried about? Some people are worried they don't know how to write a good profile. Some people are worried no one will contact them. Some people are worried about getting rejected. Some people are worried about their body not being in shape. They don't want to try and connect with someone because they're out of shape. If you're out of shape, go get in shape. It takes 90 days. Buy my book, you'll get there. Sexy Lean is gone after 50. It's on Amazon and it's a Kindle version if you want it. But you know you just take the first step. If you are tired of being alone, if you are tired having no one to talk to, no one to care of how you slept, no one to talk to, no one to care of how you slept, no one who worries about you if you get sick, if you want connection, if you want a new love, you have to take the first step.

Speaker 1: 26:57

First step is accepting who you are, where you are and where you want to go Exactly Perfect, lovely, great so, and thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, dave, wisdom, humor.

Speaker 1: 27:10

And. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, dave, wisdom, humor and heart with us today, and definitely your journey and the insights are a testament to the fact that love, joy, intimacy have no, no age limit. So for the listeners, like whether you are single, dating or just curious about what's possible, just remember that it's your life, your rules and your time to shine. So if today's episode has inspired you, share it with your friend, who might need a little nudge towards their own mr or mrs, miss, adorable. So I'll definitely want to share it with my friend. And, uh, please do as well. Do share with your friends as well, and don't forget to hit that subscribe button, leave a review and join us next week for this another exciting conversation. So until then, keep dreaming big, loving boldly and living your pleasure principles to the fullest. So this, this is your host, avik, signing off. Thank you so much.