Enhancing Relationships and Personal Fulfillment Through Vulnerability and Mindful Communication - Jem Fuller

Ever wondered how vulnerability can transform your relationships and deepen your connections? Join us for an insightful conversation with Jem Fuller, a unique figure who has journeyed from barefoot backpacker to corporate leader, fire dancer, and author of "The Art of Conscious Communication for Thoughtful Men." Jem shares his personal experiences, illustrating how opening up to vulnerability and understanding cross-cultural interactions can foster genuine intimacy. Discover how aligning your breath with a partner can communicate beyond words, and learn about the healing potential that comes from discussing anxieties in a supportive environment.

Our discussion also uncovers the power of mindfulness in enriching everyday experiences and relationships. Jem and we explore how embracing vulnerability is often the first step toward living a more connected and pleasure-filled life. We delve into how simple practices like mindfulness meditation can transform mundane moments, such as enjoying a glass of water or a piece of carrot cake, into extraordinary experiences. Tune in to learn how these transformative practices can enhance your relationships and allow you to savor life's pleasures more deeply.

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Chapters

• 0:06 Exploring Intimacy Through Conscious Communication
• 15:49 Empowering Vulnerability and Mindful Presence

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Hey, beautiful Souls, welcome to Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we dive deep into what truly brings joy, connection and meaning to our lives. I'm your host, avik, and today we are venturing into the fascinating world of sexual healing, tantra and onsious lovemaking a journey that equal paths, vulnerable and transformative. Our guest today is someone who knows all about transformation. Yes, I'm talking about Jem Fuller, so welcome to the show, jem.

Speaker 2: 0:42

Thank you, avik, it's a pleasure to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:46

Lovely lovely. So, jem, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, jem is a barefoot backpacker turned corporate leader, fire dancer, retreat leader and now the author of the Art of Conscious Communication for Thoughtful Men.

Speaker 1: 1:07

So Jim's life is a kaleidoscope of experiences, and he's here to help us explore the intersection of communication, connection and the intimacy. And as for me, I have walked, journey, uh, from sexual anxiety to sexual healing, exploring the depths of tantra and the conscious love. So, uh, so, dear listeners, I'm talking about jim. So, uh, so he's, he's learned that vulnerability isn't a weakness, it's a doorway, and if sharing the story can help even one person, then I am in. So these are the words of jem. So that's, that's a really, really great one. Yeah, so, uh, dear listeners, whether you are curious about tantra or walking through your own struggles, or just looking for ways to deepen your relationships, then this episode is for you. Get comfy, because we are about to get the real. So welcome to the show again. Thank you, avik. Lovely, lovely. So, jamalik, you have lived such a rich and varied life. So how have your global experiences shaped your understanding of the intimacy and the connection?

Speaker 2: 2:34

It's a really great question to start the conversation with Avik, I think, because I've immersed myself in such foreign cultures. When I say foreign, I mean foreign to me, right? I mean I grew up in Melbourne, australia. So for me, when I was in Bangalore which I know is where you are or when I was in Pakistan, or when I was in Laos, or when I was in the Middle East, or these places are very different for me but for the local people that's normal, right. So for each of us the understanding of what is foreign is different, but we all have things in common. We all have a lot in common, actually, when we start from the very, very basics that we're all humans, we all have the same color blood, we all need oxygen and water, we all need food, we all need shelter, and then we start to move into some of the more sensitive aspects that we share. You know we all experience grief when a loved one dies or when or when we lose a partner. You know we all experience fear or partner. We all experience fear or worry, we all experience anxiety to some degree, and these are the things that make us that we have in common, that can connect us, that we can communicate with right. Yeah, these are the things that you and I can have a conversation. We're in different parts of the world, we come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different food, different everything, but we have these things in common and so we can connect in these ways.

Speaker 2: 4:13

But the interesting thing is to answer your question around how does it relate to intimacy and relationship? Intimacy comes from vulnerability. You can't be intimate with someone if you're not vulnerable. If your walls, if you're protecting yourself and your walls are up, your defense walls are up, then you are not allowing intimacy. And when, it's only when we allow ourselves to be intimate with each other that we can start to understand and connect on these deeper levels. You know these, these human sensitivities, we can connect.

Speaker 2: 4:50

And when we can connect, not only is that nice in the moment, because we can form relationships and experience connection, cross-cultural connection, but but more importantly, I think, globally, it's what humanity needs. But more importantly, I think globally, it's what humanity needs. We need to be able to connect with people who have different ideas, different backgrounds, different spirituality, different religious backgrounds, because when we can connect with people that are very different to us, we can harness the power of diversity. And when we can come together and harness that diversity, then we stand a chance to solve the biggest problems of humanity. Then we really stand a chance. But if we're fighting against each other, then it's it's not a good way very true, yeah, and like uh, very true, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:46

And like you are a big advocate for the conscious communication, so how does that play into creating a fulfilling and authentic sexual connection?

Speaker 2: 5:59

I mean communication underpins the whole relationship. Yeah, you know, if there's no communication or if there's poor communication, then the connection is poor. Communication is the conduit for connection and the communication isn't just words. Remember, words are only a small percentage of communication. Communication between two people can be when she is just resting her head on your chest and you are breathing and you match each other's breathing, you match her breathing, you breathe in time with her. That's communication. And that, by the way, to your listeners, if you have a partner, try this Next time. You are in embrace together and you are resting together and your bodies are together, breathe in time with each other and see what happens. It's a beautiful way to communicate connection.

Speaker 2: 7:15

So communication is so important for intimacy because when you develop a safe place to be vulnerable and communicate with each other, then you can share your anxieties or your worries. And when you can share your anxieties or your worries, already the road to healing is has begun. You know, I, I, I know this because I experienced sexual anxiety and sexual performance anxiety for many, many years in my past marriage and I was so ashamed. I was so ashamed, I was so embarrassed. I didn't tell anybody. Yeah, I mean obviously my, my then wife, knew um, but she, she became hopeless. She gave up. You know, um, and I couldn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed and as long as I kept it to myself I couldn't do the healing I you know, it's like um keeping the problem trapped, and the problem needs to be let go, and and part of the letting go is by um having the courage to speak about it with people that you trust, or or or people that you don't know. You know, I remember um one of the first times I spoke about it.

Speaker 2: 8:44

I was at a Tantra workshop.

Speaker 2: 8:47

Okay, I spoke about it I was at a tantra workshop and I went with my partner and then they separated the women and the men and the women went into one room to do some female tantric exercises and the men went into another room to talk and share and for some reason I just had the courage to say share. And for some reason I just had the courage to say to share. And it created a shift in me. And then other men came up to me and said wow, you too. I thought I was alone. They said to me, and so now I realized I wasn't alone. And so now I started to be able to slowly lift this heavy blanket of shame and, you know, start to realize that I wasn't alone. I was just human. And many men suffer this, but they suffer in silence because I don't know about what it's like where you are. But in my country men are taught you cannot show vulnerability, you have to be strong, you know.

Speaker 1: 9:48

Yeah very true, I agree, uh, it's. It's the sad part, but yeah, it's true. Yeah yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:57

And so to come back to your, your question how does conscious communication help? Intimacy and relationships? So now I'm very lucky, see, in relationships. So now I'm very lucky, for the last nine years, to have been in a very conscious relationship, um, with my perfect woman. She's, she's just perfect for me and I'm perfect for her. But when I say perfect, I mean perfectly imperfect, right, but. But we're just, we're just made for each other, and we are on this journey of tantra and spirituality and consciousness together.

Speaker 2: 10:30

And so we share everything with each other. You know, when we first got together, we promised each other that we would always speak our truth with each other and that we were safe to share absolutely everything. And that we were safe to share absolutely everything the darkest shadow self. We have our shadow self, we have our light self, and then we have the shadow, the darker elements, and dark is only bad when it's hidden or chastised or locked up or when there's shame attached to it. But when you remove the shame and you embrace these elements of yourself, they're not bad. And so when, so gradually as we learned to trust each other which happened pretty quickly and we could share everything with each other, the, the, the intimacy is just magnified. You know when you can communicate with each other things that you don't tell anybody else. You know that's, that's intimacy yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Yep, so um like about tantra, uh, the way to heal and deepen the relationship. What role do you think Tantra or similar practices play in fostering the conscious love.

Speaker 2: 12:02

Tantra is not just sex. You know, tantra is a yogic practice of. Really, for me, what Tantra has been is a yogic practice of learning how to come into the present moment of the physical, energetic body. Yeah, you know so. It's a real celebration of the energy and the body of which we are. You know so. We are of our body in this lifetime. You know the energy field, that that we are, and the body that we are and the mind is part of the body. It's all one. But we are also intrinsically, inseparably, connected to the environment, to the greater system, right?

Speaker 2: 12:55

the the ego is an illusion and and the ego would have us believe that we are a separate entity to the world around us, like I'm this agent walking through the world and I'm separate. But we're not separate. We're a part of the greater system, both energetically and physically. Right, and so when we can connect to being a part of the greater system through our body and mind, and then the real magic is when you can connect to being a part of the greater system and magnify that through emotional, spiritual, energetic, physical connection with another human being. Wow, you know, that's when you really get to experience these spiritual experiences through intimacy with another person, where you completely lose yourself. When I say lose yourself, you lose your ego, you lose your sense of being separate and you become one with the other person, and both of you become one with everything through pleasure.

Speaker 1: 14:01

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:02

Which is really remarkable. I just feel so in awe and so grateful that, as a species, we get to experience this and be aware of it. You know, yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:16

Perfect, perfect. That's really lovely. Yeah, and I mean some people might fear that tantra and think it's just about sex, like as you mentioned, and think it's just about sex, like as you mentioned. So how do you explain the broader philosophy to the skeptics?

Speaker 2: 14:34

Look, I'm not a I'm not a tantra master. Um, I've. I've done some workshops and read some books, so I'm really a novice, you know. So I don't feel like I'm the person to explain the deep philosophy of tantra, but from what I can understand, like I said before, tantra is a practice of experiencing existence through the physical, energetic and then spiritual body, and that is through all sorts of things, through pleasure, but not necessarily sexual pleasure, and it can be through any pleasure, but it's not also just pleasure. Tantra can also be just a very mindful practice of the sensations of existing in the world. So that's my take on it. I'm not sure. Maybe some of your listeners might know more than me. I'm happy for people to comment and let me know what they think, but that's my experience on it. I'm not sure. Maybe some of your listeners might know more than me. I'm happy for people to comment and let me know what they think, but that's my experience of it anyway.

Speaker 1: 15:44

Understood, yeah, and also your book focuses on the thoughtful men. So what advice do you have for men who struggle to impress the vulnerability in their relationships?

Speaker 2: 15:59

Take the first step. The first step is always the hardest and I'll share with you a way that you can do that in a moment. But take the first step and then take another step, and then take another step. And what that can look like is if you have a partner and just going to your partner and saying, hey, I want to get better at being a little bit more vulnerable with you, because I think it will help, I can let you in. I think it will help, I can let you in. I want to let you in to me a bit more, because I love you and I want our relationship to grow and deepen and I trust you. Now it's hard for me. It's going to be hard for me, but I'm going to try and soften a little bit and I'm going to start sharing with you sometimes some of my inner feelings that normally I don't share. So if you have a partner, that's how you begin. If you don't have a partner, choose someone you trust, a friend. Just say to your friend um, I want to get better at expressing my vulnerabilities, because vulnerability is actually a strength, when you have the courage to ask for help or when you have the courage to say to a friend hey, I'm I'm not doing so well, I'm struggling right now. Yeah, when you have the courage to be vulnerable, it becomes a strength for you because people can connect with you more.

Speaker 2: 17:43

We are a social creature, you know we. We need each other. We we evolved as a species through our ability to connect and work together in societies, in teams right. So we need each other. But men have become isolated from each other because we feel like we have to be strong and we can't show any weakness. But we do actually need each other and we're stronger together. So when you say to a friend hey, I want to get better at being vulnerable, I'm going to start sharing with you things I don't normally share. You watch what happens. You will have a positive response.

Speaker 1: 18:23

Perfect, yeah, lovely, and also looking ahead. How can people start to cultivate a more conscious, pleasure-filled life today, no matter where they are starting from?

Speaker 2: 18:42

Start with the practice of mindfulness meditation. Yeah, mindfulness meditation. Now, this mindfulness practice can be dedicated, as in you sit and dedicate some time to meditate, but it can also be integrated, and this is where we start to when I say integrated. You can practice mindfulness whilst you're doing something that you're ordinarily doing already anyway. So you can practice mindfulness while you're drinking water. You can practice mindfulness while you are listening to someone. You can practice mindfulness while you are listening to someone. You can practice mindfulness while you are riding a bicycle, and you can practice mindfulness while you're making love. Now, when you so, mindfulness is just an attention to the present moment.

Speaker 1: 19:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:36

You are just becoming very present and we can develop this ability. We can get better and better at becoming present in the moment when you are, the more present you are to the moment of making love, the physical sensations, the connection, the, the, the, the moment of being together, and also I should say here that making love is so much more than just intercourse.

Speaker 1: 20:09

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:10

A lot of men think that making love is just the intercourse part, but it's so much more than that. You know, a woman's body needs time.

Speaker 2: 20:24

A woman is for a woman making love is intimacy, and intimacy is not intercourse. Well, not just intercourse, it's everything before that and after that. It's lying together. It's telling her how beautiful she is. It's awakening every part of her body. It's touching her feet or her legs, or massaging her hands, looking into each other's eyes in silence. You know this is making love.

Speaker 2: 20:58

All of this stuff is making love, and the better you become at being present in the moment, the more exquisite that experience is. It's the same with any experience when you drink water, mindfully, when you sip on a glass of water, and you are completely in the present moment. So what that means is that you're not thinking about work, you're not thinking about what you're cooking for dinner, you're not thinking about catching the butt. You're just in the moment, with all of your attention focused on sipping the water. That experience goes from being an ordinary experience to an extraordinary experience. An extraordinary experience. It becomes really quite wonderful, quite pleasurable. Think about Avik. What's one of your favorite snacks or treats? What's one of your favorite foods? That's a bit of a treat for you, that have? Which one? Yeah, that you have no no, no.

Speaker 1: 22:01

So you said one favorite snacks that have.

Speaker 2: 22:08

Yeah, like something that you eat, that you love.

Speaker 1: 22:12

So I love fruit or carrot cake.

Speaker 2: 22:17

Okay, it's a carrot cake, right.

Speaker 1: 22:19

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 22:20

So just imagine the next time that you go to eat carrot cake, rather than just getting the piece of cake and going, oh yes, I get my carrot cake and you pick it up and chew on it and it's like, yeah, great, get my carrot cake and you pick it up and chew on it and it's like, yeah, great, I love carrot cake and you swallow it, slow down.

Speaker 2: 22:35

Become present in the moment when you pick up that first piece of carrot cake. Feel it in your fingers. Notice the sensation, smell it. Take all of your attention to the smell as you raise it up to your mouth. Feel the sensation of the carrot cake as it touches your tongue and your teeth and your lips. Take all of your attention to it. Notice your saliva glands activate. Take all of your attention to that taste in your mouth and, as you are swallowing it, all of your attention to that moment. When we do this, wow, wow.

Speaker 2: 23:17

Taking a bite on a piece of carrot cake goes from being something that's just nice to something that can be exquisite, like ecstasy. It can really be an experience that blows your mind because you are paying attention Right. So this comes back to your question around how can we improve? I think you asked how can we improve our intimacy and relationships? Mindfulness Now, this is. It's like mind training. Okay, it's like going and exercising for your body. This is exercise for your mind. So when you dedicate yourself, even just five minutes a day to sit and practice mindfulness meditation, you're training your mind to get better at focusing on the present moment when you integrate that practice into anything that you're doing whether it's listening to someone eating carrot cake, drinking water and making love that experience becomes tantric.

Speaker 1: 24:18

Yeah, perfect. What a lovely, lovely discussion. Yeah, so I really, really am happy about discussing this, and that's so inspiring. It reminds me that, no matter how far we feel from where we want to be, every small steps counts.

Speaker 2: 24:37

so yes, yes, so true, you and you know. The other thing too is that the feeling of being far from where we want to be there can be suffering in that, because our expectation of where we think we should be or who we think we should be, our expectation, is not matching reality. And when our expectations don't match reality, in that gap is the suffering.

Speaker 1: 25:12

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:13

So when we can recalibrate back to reality and go hang on a second pause, pause. Okay, in this moment, right now, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, apparently because here I am. I'm supposed to be, apparently because here I am, and I am exactly the version of myself that I'm supposed to be, apparently because here I am right. So I'm not that version of myself that I was 10 years ago and I'm not the version of myself that I will become in 10 years from now, right, and I'm not as wealthy as I might be one day and I'm not as poor as I was one day. But let's come back to reality. Right now, in this moment, apparently, I'm supposed to be exactly who I am, where I am Right, and when we come to that acceptance of reality, there's no more suffering. It's like, ah, that's a relief. So now my attention can come to okay, well, here I am, this version of me.

Speaker 2: 26:19

What step can I take? What step do I choose to take right now? What small action do I choose to take right now? Okay, well, right now I'm going to sit and meditate for five minutes, one step, you know. Or right now I'm going to go to my wife and and say to her my love. I want to become a better man for you and I'm going to start by trying to be more vulnerable and sharing my inner feelings with you. Trying to be more vulnerable and sharing my inner feelings with you it's hard for me to do, but I I want to be a better man for you, so I'm going to start trying, one small step one small step at a time.

Speaker 1: 27:01

Yeah, definitely lovely. So, jim, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and the stories with us. Definitely, and um, you have given us so much to think about, from the power of communication to the beauty of radial self-acceptance. So, for the listeners, I'd like to mention like, dear listeners, this is for you, like, what's the one thing that you are taking away from today's episode? Do let us know into the social media or maybe on your favorite podcast platform, and maybe it's the conversation that you need to have a moment to slow down and breathe, or maybe simply a reminder that your journey is valid and worthy of love. So, if this episode has resonated with you, then please share it with someone who needs to hear it, and do not forget to subscribe, leave a review and join us next time on the Pleasure Principles. So until next time, stay curious, stay connected and remember that pleasure is your birthright. So thank you so much.