Transforming Relationships and Self-Respect Through Boundary Setting and Personal Empowerment - Dr. Jamar Montgomery

Discover the transformative power of self-love with the remarkable Dr. Jamar Montgomery, a modern-day polymath with a rich tapestry of experiences. From engineering to aviation, and law to blockchain innovation, Dr. Jamar brings a unique perspective to the conversation about personal boundaries. He shares his own journey of overcoming people-pleasing behaviors and how setting boundaries became a crucial act of self-respect. Listen as we unravel the challenge of maintaining these boundaries amidst external pressures and learn how saying "no" can be a revolutionary act that protects our peace and sanity.

Join us as we explore how boundaries can lead to healthier, more authentic relationships. Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren't about building walls; they're about inviting deeper intimacy and understanding. With Dr. Jamar’s insights, we discuss how relationships serve as mirrors reflecting our true needs and offer practical advice on shifting your mindset by keeping promises to yourself. By respecting our own limits and expectations, we can create a healthier dynamic in our interactions. This episode promises to guide you on a path of self-love and boundary setting, nurturing more fulfilling connections in your life.

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Chapters

• 0:07 Setting Boundaries for Self-Love
• 13:12 Navigating Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey, beautiful listeners, welcome to another enlightening and inspiring episode of Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we dig into the juicy, thought-provoking topics that make life richer, more fulfilling and unapologetically pleasurable. Richer, more fulfilling and unapologetically pleasurable. I'm your host, avik, and today we are diving into a topic that affects every single one of us relationships and setting the boundaries as an act of self-love. Now here's the twist Our guest today is someone who has walked every imaginable path in life, from engineering and aviation to law, education and blockchain innovation. He's the quintessential renaissance man, a modern day polymath and an advocate for personal transformation and the societal progress. So please join me in welcoming the extraordinary Dr Jamar Monjongomery. So welcome to the show, dr Jamar.

Speaker 2: 1:09

Oh man, thank you for having me. Avik Great to be here, lovely lovely.

Speaker 1: 1:15

So, dr Jamar, first I have to say I am really thrilled to have you here today and, um so what? The first thing which is coming to my mind, I mean, what does self-love mean to you? I mean, how do you uh think it ties into setting boundaries in the relationships.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Oh, self-love means finding your worth and it means that you also are important, and a lot of times, at least in my own experience, is I was taught to put everybody else's needs, everybody else's feelings, above mine. Everybody else's needs, everybody else's feelings above mine, and I was in an environment where I felt like my needs and how I felt about things was often disregarded and not validated and, as a result, you find yourself going into this cycle of people pleasing and, as a result of people pleasing, you end up stepping over your own boundaries that you have for yourself. You end up finding yourselves in situations that you tend to regret Self-love and setting boundaries. Self-love means that the same respect, the same grace that you would give to others that you first give to yourself. And it is very difficult to give authentically to others what you have not given to yourself, to others, what you have not given to yourself. So, if you think about the times in which you may have given somebody else grace or you may have given somebody else love, was that really love? Was that really grace or was that manipulation? Were you giving this to a particular person so that they would feel a certain way, versus that authentically coming from you because you have already given it to yourself and therefore you're able to give it to others authentically.

Speaker 2: 3:36

When it comes to boundaries, that's challenging because, once again, if you grew up like I did, there was a lot of people pleasing that I had to unlearn. And when I unlearned, started unlearning that people pleasing behavior, I started to feel better. I started to feel more secure and confident in my decisions and, as a result, I liked the way that I felt and I had to realize that there was going to be the internal battle that I had with myself and everyone externally being happy with me, or the external battle that I would have, but having internal peace within myself, and that internal peace is so, so critical that internal peace is so, so critical and it's a byproduct. Not even a byproduct, it is a product of loving yourself and knowing that you're worthy of love and that the same love that you give to others that you better give it to yourself.

Speaker 1: 4:42

That's really lovely, ammon. Also on this, definitely one thing is coming to my mind like when you um first started setting the boundaries in your own life, what was the hardest part?

Speaker 2: 4:57

oh, the hardest part was sticking to those boundaries. The hardest part was sticking to those boundaries and it's once again. It's that people pleasing behavior that you have to let go of. Right, like I said, that I had to let go of, because when you start setting boundaries, then people are going to start pushing against those boundaries. And the boundary is there for you, not for others. The boundary is there for you. The boundary is there so that you remain in character, that you remain poised, that you remain calm, that you don't act out of character, and anytime that you find yourself being angry, anytime that you remain calm, that you don't act out of character, and any time that you find yourself being angry, any time that you find yourself feeling a sense of regret, that's letting you know that your boundary is being pushed up against.

Speaker 2: 5:57

It was being okay with disappointing people. It was being okay with people being upset that I had a boundary, but recognizing that I first had to respect myself if I wanted to garner the respect of others. That was very challenging, just sticking to the boundary and not getting back into those old habits of people pleasing, because, at the end of the day, your wants, your needs, your likes all those things change from day to day, from week to week, from year to year, and the goalposts will always change. However, when you're the one setting the goalposts, when you're the one setting the boundaries, you're able to protect yourself, you're able to protect your emotions, you're able to protect your peace, you're able to protect your sanity and that can be very challenging. Sticking to those boundaries and not expecting everyone to understand, and being okay with people not understanding, and also being okay with removing myself from certain situations that I didn't feel respected my boundaries or served me.

Speaker 1: 7:16

That's, that's really great. I mean I love that perspective. I mean perspective. I mean, uh, the listeners like isn't it fascinating how something as seemingly simple as saying no can feel revolutionary, right, so yeah. So, listeners, I hope that you are taking the notes. Sometimes the hardest boundaries to set are the ones with ourselves.

Speaker 2: 7:40

So yeah, yeah, I mean telling yourself no, um, telling yourself no to the things that you want and also telling yourself no to, uh, things that you know aren't going to make you feel good, like that's. That's challenging. Um, and especially for people who have real big hearts, saying no can be very challenging, very, very challenging, exactly, exactly so.

Speaker 1: 8:15

Also, like many people see boundaries as walls that push others way, so do you think that boundaries can actually bring people closer together?

Speaker 2: 8:38

Absolutely, absolutely is the same way that people need boundaries in being able to navigate the relationship with you.

Speaker 2: 8:46

You teach people how to treat you and when you don't have boundaries, then you really give people just free reign and you don't give them a structure of how to deal with you and there's a fine line, not even a fine line.

Speaker 2: 9:03

There is a difference between allowing people to be and giving people the latitude in which they can be themselves with you. Rambunctious, somebody else might be very loud and rambunctious, and your boundary is hey, um, I'm all for you showing excitement, I'm all for you, uh, being exuberant, but in order for me to be around you or in order for you to be in my space, this is what I need, need, and if that's not, if you are not able to do that, then that's okay and being okay with that. But it gives people, it allows people to have a level of predictability with you. It allows for people to get to know you and get to know you in a way that you are comfortable with and also in a way that you recognize that your boundary is for you and for others to be able to have a relationship with you. So, yeah, if you're not having the kind of relationships that you want. You might want to check what kind of boundaries that you have.

Speaker 1: 10:28

Understood.

Speaker 2: 10:30

I mean on this, if we can share a story where setting a boundary deepened a connection in your life you know when you're, when you're in a romantic relationship whether it be your, your wife, your girlfriend, your husband, your, your boyfriend, whatever uh boundaries, or your boyfriend, whatever Boundaries give people a chance of redirecting. And one of the things that helped bring, I feel, bring me and my wife closer was that setting a boundary on how we engage in arguments and disagreements. That was critical because you know, you're, we're two people who love each other, but we can't have explosive, uh, very loud arguments if we want to be in relationship with each other. And that was a boundary that I had to set that, hey, if we're going to have an argument, then these are the rules of engagement, and if either I or she's not able to follow those rules of engagement, then you know, would be able to take a step back from the conflict and come back at a later time.

Speaker 2: 12:05

I think that's extremely important, especially if you want longevity in your relationships. And it was something that I found that really helped in our relationship of making sure that that boundary was set and then making sure that at least you know, at least, that I made sure that I followed that boundary, because I knew what I wanted out of the relationship and I knew I had an idea of where I wanted the relationship to go and it's been extremely helpful. It's allowed for me to be able to feel like I'm in a safe space and I would hope that my wife feels the same way about that those kinds of boundaries that your conflict does not have to be loud, it does not have to be extremely heated, but that we can have conflict but there's rules of engagement and how we have conflict with each other.

Speaker 1: 13:08

Exactly, that's really powerful, jamal. I think a lot of us forget that boundaries aren't the barriers or the obstructors. They are definitely the invitations to a kind of healthier or more authentic relationships. What do you think?

Speaker 2: 13:28

Absolutely. You can't have authentic relationships without boundaries, because there's going to be something that irritates you, there's going to be something that upsets you and you. Being able to communicate those boundaries is part of having that deeper relationship. Think about it in this way you know somebody by what they like and also what they don't like. That's a level of intimacy of knowing. All right, you know what this person, they don't like this, and so you know how to deal with them as a result, and it's it, it. It opens up, it really opens up the door for greater intimacy, if you see it as okay.

Speaker 2: 14:18

How do we navigate this relationship with each other, whether that's with your boss, whether that's with your um, whether that's with your, your, your significant other? Think about it in this way If your boss calls you um at six 30 and you got off at four, right? Well, if you don't set the boundary of, hey, if it's after work hours, please wait until the next day. Right now, maybe that doesn't work in every situation, but the reason why that boundary is there is so that you know that you look forward to coming to work every day. You want when work is over. You want work to be over and when it's time for family or time for you. That's the time that you have, the same way that your job place doesn't want your personal things seeping into work Right. So being able to establish that boundary allows for you to be able to enjoy the spaces in the way in which you need to enjoy those spaces, or show up in those spaces in the way that you need to show up in an appropriate manner exactly, yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1: 15:31

So, um, and also like any opinion, um, why do so many of us struggle to prioritize our needs in the relationships?

Speaker 2: 15:44

You know, oftentimes we don't even necessarily know what it is that we need, and it's until we get into the relationship that we start really finding out what our needs are. That's the great part about relationships is that relationships are really just a mirror into ourselves, and certain relationships are going to bring certain things out of you. They're going to show you different things about yourself. And so how do you first, how do you prioritize something that you don't even know that you need? How do you prioritize something that you don't even know exists? And then, when you go in there and you find out that it exists, then you start to understand how important it is for you.

Speaker 2: 16:28

For instance, for me, one of the needs that I have is that I need to be engaged in different projects that enhance my skill set right, but I didn't know that off the back when I first started working. I figured that out as I continue to work, as I continue to work, as I took on different roles. Okay, well, what else do I need? I need something that compensates me. Well, what else do I need? I need something that gives me a level of flexibility and level of freedom, right, and being able to understand what those things are what those needs are, as well as saying, at this particular time in my life, right, as a father, I might need flexibility in a particular role and whereas the compensation may not be as important, or maybe the stability is more important than it is for me to constantly be challenged, right.

Speaker 2: 17:35

So you don't understand that until you're in these different relationships, like I said, whether that be a professional, whether it be a work relationship, whether that be a significant other relationship, whether that be a friendship, you start to understand what those needs are based upon your interactions with others. And so if you're not having deeper relationships with everyone around you or in the world around you, you really it can be somewhat difficult in identifying what your needs are. And then, if you, how can you prioritize what you don't even know? So the more that we do that exploration, right, the more that we do that exploration and we see our relationships as reflections of ourselves, we'll be able to finally kind of identify what we need. But, like I said, when you're in a relationship you don't know what you might need. You might have your basic needs, but how that need has to show up or how that need manifests in that relationship may be different than what you've experienced before, and so being able to communicate that, identify it and then prioritize it.

Speaker 1: 18:47

You know, those are the challenges, that of the human experience exactly, exactly, very true, and and um, okay, so, when we're talking about this, um, what's the one practical way that someone listening today can start shifting that mindset?

Speaker 2: 19:12

that's a great question. You gonna make me go back into my therapy notes, man. Okay, make me go back into my therapy notes, because that's that's what really helped me. Let's see. Your question was what are some of the practical ways in which somebody can start setting those boundaries?

Speaker 1: 19:29

yeah, yeah, somebody can start setting those boundaries.

Speaker 2: 19:34

Yeah, start keeping promises to yourself.

Speaker 1: 19:36

Okay.

Speaker 2: 19:39

The same way. A boundary is just another side of a promise. What do I mean by that? A boundary says past this, this point, I won't go right. But it also means, uh, with this condition, I will do this particular thing.

Speaker 2: 20:05

So a boundary, a boundary, what may look like a boundary or what may look like a promise, is actually really a promise to yourself, a promise to myself of this is what I will do in this particular situation, and I won't do these things in this particular situation. I won't tolerate these things from this particular situation. If I don't set boundaries with others, there's also boundaries that I have to set with myself. I'm not going to stay up late, or I'm going to wake up early and you stay and you stay, you stay set.

Speaker 2: 20:43

With that, it comes down to promises to yourself, and the more that you start make keeping promises to yourself, the higher self-esteem that you have and the higher self-worth that you have, and then you will start holding others to that same standard of saying this is what I will tolerate and this is what I won't tolerate. I tolerate the best out of myself and therefore, if I'm not experiencing the best from others, I'm going to remove myself from that situation, or if I'm not experiencing the best from others, I'll communicate that expectation and if I don't feel like I'm receiving it, or it doesn't benefit me or it doesn't serve me, I'll remove myself from the situation. Well, think about the times in which we have not kept promises to ourselves. Think about the times in which we've expected things out of others but haven't been able to even give those things to ourselves. So as we start to keep promises to ourselves right, those promises are bound for our, our behavior so we start to keep those, those promises to ourselves, we'll start feeling much more comfortable enforcing those boundaries with others understood.

Speaker 1: 22:04

I mean that's something which is a very important. I guess such a relatable, um, which is a very important. I guess such a relatable what to say? I mean it's really relatable folks, like actionable wisdom. I mean, remember that taking care of yourself isn't a kind of shellfish, it's the foundation for giving your best to the others. Wow, that's lovely. Okay. So, jemmaal, do you have any practices? Or maybe?

Speaker 2: 22:38

the rituals that help you realign with your values, any practices. I'm always trying to see myself in others. I'm always trying to see myself in others. What do I mean? If there's something that I don't like that I see in others I'm trying to figure out, is that something that I do and I might be blind to? I'm always, always evaluating myself and trying to keep as much awareness of myself as possible. So what is that practice? That practice is never, trying to never take things personal, trying to never take things personal and practicing a level of grace and forgiveness with others and practicing it with myself, giving myself the benefit of the doubt and being able to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 2: 23:47

But when it comes to boundaries, once again. But when it comes to boundaries, once again, the more self-aware that I am, the more that I can check in with myself and see this is making me feel some kind of way. What about my behavior or what about my situation? Do I need to change in order so that I can feel better about it? What needs to change in my thought process? What needs to change in my perspective so that I can better navigate those things? So, starting with self-awareness, starting with self-awareness, to always trying to see myself in others, especially in the things that I don't like, and giving myself and others the benefit of the doubt, except for when it comes for things that I may deem as malicious. That can be tricky at times, yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:54

Great. That's's really really great and folks like what a masterclass on relationship and the boundaries and self love courtesy of Dr Jamar. So thank you so much, jamar, for sharing your wisdom, humor and humanity with us today, and I'm really really grateful that you shared your insights. It's really going to be helpful for the listeners and for the listeners. I have to mention that if you took away even half as much as I did from this conversation, I know that you're feeling inspired. So here's a challenge Take one piece of advice from today's episode and apply it to your own life this week and if you do, let us know. We'd love to hear your stories. Do comment or share or DM us as well on social media. Love to hear from you, so, and always remember that self-love isn't a kind of luxury, it's a necessity. So until next time, stay curious, stay courageous and keep embracing the principles of pleasure in every aspect of your life. So thank you so much, thank you.