Navigating Love and Trust Through Betrayal and Empowering Choices - Charity Sinclair

What happens when you discover your fiancé is leading a double life just weeks before your wedding? Join us as Charity Sinclair, author of "We Are All Dating the Same Guy," courageously shares her personal journey through such a betrayal. Dive into the complexities of modern dating, where Charity emphasizes the critical alignment of words and actions in relationships. Her candid exploration of trust, hypervigilance, and emotional attunement offers listeners valuable insights into rebuilding after betrayal. Charity's reflections on the role of oxytocin and the quest for meaningful connections shed light on the evolving landscape of contemporary romance.

Our conversation also strays into the realm of humorous and unconventional dating experiences, complete with tales of odd transportation choices and unexpected revelations from a pocketed stool sample. We explore the weight of the biological clock and the empowering decision to freeze eggs at 35, a move that reshaped Charity's perspective on relationships and self-worth. As societal norms are challenged and personal expectations redefined, Charity's story serves as a guide to liberation and empowerment. Engage with us on this journey of laughter, learning, and the often poignant realities of navigating love and relationships today.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Navigating Dating and Healing After Betrayal
• 11:57 Unconventional Dating and Fertility Choices
• 15:22 Empowerment in Modern Dating

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hey everyone, welcome back to Pleasure Principles. I'm your host, abhik, and today we are diving deep into the world of online dating, healing after a narcissist and navigating casual sex with intention and humor. So my guest today is the brilliant, hilarious and deeply inspiring Charity Sinclair. So welcome to the show, charity.

Speaker 2: 0:31

Thank you so much for having me, Avik. I'm really excited to be here and chat with you.

Speaker 1: 0:35

Lovely, lovely. So before we start delving deep into this topic, I'll quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, charity is an author and storyteller whose new book we Are All Dating the Same Guy takes readers on a wild and heartful journey through the ups and downs of modern dating after betrayal. So, from uncovering her fiance's shocking double life to embracing a healing journey filled with laughter, courage and even a few coed saunas. So Charity has lived to tell the tale and she's here to help us laugh, learn and heal together. So buckle up, because this conversation is going to be equal parts of fun, raw and insightful. So welcome to the show again.

Speaker 2: 1:32

Awesome, let's start. Go for it.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Lovely, lovely. So, Charity, your story begins with such a bombshell, let's say I mean discovering your fiance's double life and calling off a wedding. How did the moment shape your perspective on trust and the way you approach dating now?

Speaker 2: 1:54

yeah, I mean, it felt like a bombshell when it happened for plenty, like I had some serious and I didn't realize that at the time. I ended up reading this book that's really popular, that talks about trauma called the Body Keeps the Score, and they talk about all these things. You know the different types of trauma and after reading that book I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, I was floating through life afterwards just like feeling like molasses, like I completely disassociated when I immediately found out what was happening and the context and the deeper story there is. Essentially I was four weeks away from getting married and this girl had reached text to me because she saw our wedding registry online and essentially was like hey, are you so-and-so's fiance? I am his ex-girlfriend. I just wanted to swap stories because this is what I'm hearing. And sure enough, I learned that they've been dating for the past four years and I was with this guy for seven years and come to find out it wasn't just her, it was other women as well. So it turned my world upside down because I was with this man that I loved for seven years, thinking I knew everything about him, and there he is holding all these other different lies behind his back, and so at first and continuing, actually, I'm still going through that journey of trusting and opening up, and so that's one of the ways that it affected me was just not saying what someone says, I guess for truth, which can be a good thing too, right, you want to make sure that their words are congruent with their actions, and so when I went back out into the dating world, that's something that I was really vigilant about and at times almost actually hypervigilant, to the point where it was a bit it could have been a bit toxic, where, you know, everyone has slip ups, we're all human but I was so set on having someone that was so honest, right, that that that was something that I I struggled with, I think for a little bit Other things that impacted me after this relationship.

Speaker 2: 4:05

I valued different things, so at first I was probably quicker to get into a relationship, an intimate relationship without the label, and afterwards I mean, it took me a couple of tries. It took, like anything, it takes practice, but that was I found sex before I knew what we were. It wasn't working for me. I wasn't a girl that could have casual sex, and actually there's research out there that shows that oxytocin, which is the love hormone that gets released during sex, that is released more in women than men, which means biologically we are more attached, and so that was something interesting to learn about as I went through this journey. So I was a bit more diligent about sex within relationships too, and just understanding the impact it had on me. Right, there could be other people out there that are completely casual, happy with casual, and that's what they want Awesome. It didn't work for me because I wanted, you know, someone long-term and someone like partner, so I valued sex differently and where it happens within the relationship.

Speaker 2: 5:22

I would also say that before I loved like my ex, he was the definition of super charismatic. He was the life of the party. I loved to party, I love to have a good time, and so that's something that, for me, was a bit of a swap and throughout our relationship as it got further in, at first it was so fun to go to any event with him. He knew how to chat with anyone. I loved having him by my side and but over time, because he needed his supply and needed to be the center of attention, he was always the central person within these social settings and he wasn't emotionally responsive, perhaps, to what I needed within those, you know, checking in, attuning and, trust me, I can hold my own. But you know, it's nice to have a partner that is really with you, with an experience, as opposed to driving towards the attention and being the center of attention, and so that's something that actually really turned me off going forward, and I wanted someone that was perhaps a little bit more even keeled in, emotionally attuned to our collective relationship and experience as we experience the world together too.

Speaker 2: 6:41

And another thing as well was I was putting, I think, finances higher up or like is this guy? It wasn't. You know, I think in general and there's data that supports this know, I think in general and there's data that supports this that women actually prioritize financial security in their partner more so than men do. Men prioritize physical attributes, and so I realized I was successful in my career, like why am I prioritizing? Why do I need to make sure that this guy has to make more money than me, be more successful, have the nice car, whatever, what really matters is that we have the same financial values. How do we think about building a life together? How do we think about debt and saving and things like that. And do we have to have the fancy things? Right, it's nice to have adventures once in a while, but, um, it's good to save too.

Speaker 2: 7:40

And so, um, I was realizing that perhaps I was too his um, my ex was a, just for context, he was a um, he worked in sales at a big bank and was very successful and had a you know that suit wearing job and in every day. And, um, I found that attractive. And not to say that that job isn't attractive now, right with when I went out dating again, um, but it wasn't like the number one thing that I was looking for. It turned out to be my um that change to. Is this person financially stable? Are they good with their money? They don't have to make more than me, whatever else I can provide for myself, and that's great because it gives me more optionality within the dating market as well.

Speaker 2: 8:26

I think a lot of us women get hung up on. He has to pay for the tab. He has to make more money than me. It's like why and it's shown, actually, that 20 years ago now that women college graduation, college graduation rates are higher for women now than they are for men, right? So why are we, if we're graduating at a higher rate, whatever, why are we requiring that they have to make more money than us? Can it just be that they're making like a good living and that's it? It's going to just be that they're making like a good living and that's it.

Speaker 2: 9:07

So I put less of a focus on finances and more of a focus on, again, the emotional responsiveness, kindness, honesty. You know the things, of course, that everyone talks about, but do they actually do it in practice or is the subconscious coming in and they're prioritizing the guy with the nice car or whatever else? So I think those were some of the things that really changed my perspective on what I found attractive in a partner coming out of that relationship. And you know, the trust was a big thing. But I think as well, one of the positives there was I got really vigilant about if I did see inconsistent behavior or whatever else. I was way more comfortable cutting it off because of what I experienced, and I considered that a positive, that I wasn't wasting my time, whereas before I may have not had the ability to do that or maybe logicize it away as something else, and I just valued my time and loved myself so much more to not put myself in that, in that situation.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Lovely, really lovely. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I love that you have taken what could have been a jaded outlook and turned it into something empowering. So it's a reminder that while pain changes us, it doesn't have to harden us. And listeners take a note that boundaries aren't walls. They are the guidelines for healthier connections.

Speaker 2: 10:33

So yeah, and all those things took a lot of practice. Right, like I did not get it right coming out the door and like having honest conversations, being able to, when someone was, when their words weren't lining up or their actions maybe before I would like ignore it open up the conversation, but maybe not as authentically as I should have. And over time, when you do that over and over again, you get good at having some of those conversations not in a pointing a finger way, but in a hey, we're people together and like it's okay. So, but yeah, it was. It was a journey. It was a couple of year journey, not something that got out of the gate.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Yeah, exactly, exactly True. Also, like when we're talking about this, online dating can be such a mixed bag, right? So, in your experience, what's the most unexpectedly hilarious or maybe bizarre thing you have encountered while swiping encountered while?

Speaker 2: 11:36

swiping Well dates I think that are, and can I swear on this? No, Okay. Okay, I just want to ask for permission. I literally went on shitty dates and I don't mean like oh, they were bad, like no, there was poop involved some way. And one of the dates I went on this guy. We were going out to dinner. He picked me up at my house and he had a bicycle and a razor scooter slung over his shoulder. So we were going to a date which I thought you know, okay, this is different, but let's go for it, like kind of fun. So jumped on the razor scooter, I'm scooting behind him on the bike. We're going to dinner.

Speaker 2: 12:20

We hit a stoplight, he reaches down to tie his shoe and there's this package that falls out of his chest pocket. And I go what's in the what's in the package? And he, his eyes like turn into the size of golf balls, right, he's like really hesitant to tell me. And he goes, um, it's my stool sample. And I go your stool sample. Why do you have this on the day? What is going on? And he was like, oh well, um, I'm really into my health and like every six months I send it to this lab in California. I was going to do it on the way to pick you up, but I didn't find a mailbox.

Speaker 2: 13:02

And you know he's going through this whole explanation. I'm like, all right, you know, I think we need to find this guy a mailbox. So, you know, going to get a mailbox. I'm like, oh, there's one right across the street, let's go. So we go to the mailbox and he's going to bend and put it in and he's like it won't fit. I'm like what do you mean? It won't fit? He's like, oh well, it's um. I'm like what do you get to fit? It's squishy, shouldn't it just go right in? He's like, no, no, no, it's in a test tube. The test tube will break. So it didn't fit in the mailbox and I ended up going to dinner with this guy with poop in his pocket, and so that was like one of the most absurd, and that's not just one of them.

Speaker 2: 13:40

I will go through like a million different stories, unless you want to go there. But so it was just like this is so absurd and hilarious. And yeah, I just I had fun with those encounters. I think some people will walk out of that being like, oh my gosh, this person was so horrible and weird and I just found it intriguing and funny. And dating really shows you the diversity of people that are out there and just how they think. Right, I would never go on a date and be like you know what I'm going to mail this on the way there With no backup plan, right? So it's just different, different people, and I really enjoy the experiences, even if you know we don't connect.

Speaker 1: 14:27

I understood yeah, oh so, and I also like yeah, oh so, and I also like yeah. And so you have spoken about feeling the pressure of taking biological clock while dating. So how did freezing your eggs change the way you approached a relationship and even yourself? Yeah, you approached a relationship and even yourself.

Speaker 2: 14:56

Yeah, yeah, this one was huge because when I called up my wedding I was 32. And then I had done some dating and I still hadn't found someone and I was 35. And that's really the timeline where they like literally call you a geriatric pregnancy, you know, and they have all these terms about higher risk for all these things, et cetera, and I really wanted to have a family and so I was going. Actually it was hard. The decision to freeze my eggs was really hard because I grew up Roman Catholic and so the whole concept of like science intervention. It just didn't seem very, very sanctimonious to do that process Right and um, not not God's plan. But then I kind of was like you know what, I'm an adult, I can rewrite the rules for life However I want them to be, and I I decided that, however, I have a baby is beautiful, um, and so that was, I think, a mental hurdle that I had to get over in order to get in there to actually freeze my eggs, and so that really changed. I think it just gave me a little bit of emotional security, like it's a not 100% guarantee, but it's an insurance plan that I, at least, am taking agency and having some power over, like doing what is within my realm of possibility while I continue to date and whatever else. So it felt like I was trying my best, you know, despite my experiences in the dating world, and that I hadn't found a partner, and that, I think, really calmed me down when it came to the dating experience, because I wasn't so much on this like freaking timeline right. One of the patterns I noticed was I go out with someone and want to know like three or four dates in like okay, where are we at? What's's the label? And gets so caught up in this label, in that I wanted to know like the end of the, the book, right, even though when you read a book you gotta read all the pages. But I just wanted to jump to the end and um, and so that was something where it made me, I think, more patient, more present, to just be in the moment and enjoy it, kind of knowing that I had that as a bit of a backup.

Speaker 2: 17:21

And another thing that I changed too, was my blueprint. So blueprints for your life are essentially how you think about the world, the rules and the regulations that you live within, what's right, what's wrong, and so my blueprint, and if your blueprint doesn't match your current life, it will make you really unhappy. And so what I did instead was change my blueprint. My original one was I need to have a husband and two kids. Right, that's what I want. That's what I want, and so it changed to you know what? I don't necessarily need kids. I could volunteer, I could be more involved within my nieces and nephews lives, and that, I think, also took off the emotional pressure of like I'm going to be okay no matter what. So those things really helped, I think, in creating a more present experience within the dating world.

Speaker 2: 18:28

And I'll mention just one thing too I think raising your eggs is such a black box, that process to everyone.

Speaker 2: 18:37

And I made sure, and I remember reading some other girl's memoir where she talks about freezing her eggs and she just blows through it and just mentions, oh yeah, I froze my egg, and then like moves on with the story and I found myself being like, okay, but what does freezing your eggs actually entail? So my book if any of your listeners are curious, I go into what that process looks like a little bit more and kind of like the. I didn't realize that it was more of a mental load than I thought, which was perhaps, maybe naive of me. But yeah, it's pretty intensive. You have to shoot yourself with hormones every day and I was traveling for work and some of these things have to shoot yourself with hormones every day and I was traveling for work, so, and some of these things have to be refrigerated, so I was like schlepping through the airport with like a whole cooler of stuff. I mean I felt like a crazy lady, but, um, so yeah, the process is is oh, okay.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Okay, I understood. And then also like, I mean, casual sex is such and one's topic in dating. So how do you approach it in a way that feels empowering rather than confusing or harmful?

Speaker 2: 19:57

I think you have to understand where you are on that spectrum right Of whether you are someone that can have casual sex or not. And for me I mean you could do that beforehand or you could actually try it out and see how it goes. And I was finding that it didn't feel empowering for me because it was too I was having it too early within the relationship and I was expecting so much even though we hadn't talked about expectations for the relationship. Right, so we'd have sex and then I'd expect him to be calling me and texting me like a boyfriend, but we hadn't talked about that. Right, and I think, especially with online dating, where you have an endless supply of people within the market, it just becomes so much more um imminent to be able to have that conversation because there are so many other options out there. And I found I called it.

Speaker 2: 20:52

At first I was, oh yeah, I'm cool, I can do this like no problem. But then I find myself by like week three, checking my phone, um being anxious, like going on social media, checking his profile, and I dubbed it the, the three-week mirror in my book. Essentially, it's like you know, it's showing me the reality instead of like what I thought I could be, and so so I would say the first step is probably figure out where you are on that spectrum, either through practice and tuning into your body and being really body forward in terms of like, oh, is this, you know? Am I feeling really settled or is it making me more anxious? And the answer will probably, you know. That will lead you to whether how you should feel empowered when it comes to sex. There are multiple ways to do it.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Understood, understood Lovely. So, charity, thank you so much for joining us today and for showing your raw, relatable and ridiculously funny insights into the wild ride that is modern dating. Thanks so much, shabik. Yeah, and for anyone who's listening, who wants to love, heal and find inspiration, make sure to grab Charity's book. And we are all dating the same guy. So do not forget to follow Pleasure Principles for more conversations like this one and share this episode with a friend who could use some laughter and love today. So until next time. This is your host, avik, signing off. Stay curious, stay bold and stay true to yourself. So thank you so much.