Unpacking Relationship Dynamics and Growth Through Self-Love and Recognizing Red Flags - Jonathan Aslay

Join us on Pleasure Principles where we navigate the complex world of relationships with Jonathan Aslay, America's respected midlife dating coach, as our guide. Ever wondered why the wrong relationships often feel right? Jonathan helps us unpack this mystery by shedding light on the red flags many miss due to chemistry and physical intimacy. We reframe the idea of a "wrong" relationship, highlighting instead the lessons they teach us about emotional alignment and the impact of self-love and unresolved childhood trauma on our choices. If you're curious about how to spot these red flags or why they often go unnoticed, this episode promises valuable insights.

We journey further into self-discovery, exploring how past heartbreaks can illuminate paths to growth and healing. Jonathan shares a transformative personal story of finding happiness within himself and the profound connections it attracted. We discuss embracing solitude over fearing loneliness and breaking the cycle of unsuitable partners through spiritual and personal growth. With self-awareness as our compass, we explore the ways to recognize and cultivate the right relationships. This episode is a call to nurture self-love and enhance your relationship dynamics, offering both inspiration and practical guidance.

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Chapters

• 0:03 Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
• 11:20 Navigating Relationships and Self-Discovery

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Hey everyone, welcome back to Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we dive deep into the topics that shape our relationships personal growth and the pursuit of joy. I'm your host, avik, and today's conversation is one we all need at some point in our lives how to recognize when you are in the wrong relationships before it's too late. And we have all been there questioning, second guessing and wondering, like whether the red flags we see are just the bumps in the road or warning signs that we should listen to. So joining me today is Jonathan Aslay. So welcome to the show, jonathan.

Speaker 2: 0:51

Oh, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 0:54

Lovely, lovely, nice to meet you, and so, jonathan, like before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, jonathan is one of America's leading midlife dating coaches, with over 200,000 YouTube subscribers. His incredible journey of helping singles find love took a deeper turn after the tragic loss of his 19 year old son in 2018, which led Jonathan to explore the role of emotional health and self-love in dating. So he's the author of what the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? A guide that is packed with spiritual and personal growth practices. So, jonathan, welcome to the show. I'm really, really grateful you are here today to share your wisdom and I can't wait to discuss this topic.

Speaker 2: 1:49

Welcome to the show. Oh, again, I'm happy to be here, I'm excited and I dive in. Let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 1:55

Lovely, lovely. So, Jonathan, this is a big question on everyone's mind, Like what are the early signs someone might be in the wrong relationship? So, and also like why do so many of us miss them? So what do you say?

Speaker 2: 2:16

So I want to start with the concept of wrong relationship, and I have a belief that every relationship has a lesson to teach us, have a belief that every relationship has a lesson to teach us. So, and we're, you know, to the extent that we think of the wrong relationship as the one that won't go the distance. I want to start with the idea that every relationship has something to teach us. But, to answer your question, I suspect and I say this, you know, I say it as suspect is that when we become truly attuned to who we are and what we really want, then our energetic vibration gives us clues when you're in something that feels right and when something doesn't feel right. In other words, you are sensing something doesn't feel right. In other words, you are sensing something doesn't feel right and again, I don't like the terms right or wrong, but something feels off.

Speaker 2: 3:13

Well, that might be a clue that this might be a relationship that is misaligned, because really, if we're thinking about it, a relationship, I believe, is about alignment. Are we aligned with each other? Do we share the same values? Do we have the same vision? Can we blend lives together, if we're looking for that kind of partnership-based relationship? But, most importantly, are we aligned in our emotional maturity, and what happens is you begin to feel misaligned with someone. That's a clue that something needs to shift, something needs to grow, something needs to change, and so our energetics actually speak to us all the time, and that's the clue that something might be off.

Speaker 1: 4:08

Exactly, very true, yeah. And on this, like is it more common for people to miss the signs because they are blinded by hope, or maybe because they are normalized? Dysfunction over time.

Speaker 2: 4:26

You know, this is a great question and I believe we become blinded for a number of reasons. For one is chemistry and attraction is a very powerful force to bond two people together and physical intimacy can bond two people together. In fact it's necessary that we bond on a physical level for a romantic relationship versus a you know well, certainly a family member you wouldn't be being physically intimate but a family, a friend, a coworker, you know those relationships. One of the unique differences of a romantic relationship is the physical, you know, act of sex. It's, you know, that's what differentiates I mean to some degree differentiates those other relationships. So first we bond through physical intimacy and that oftentimes causes us for a period of time not to notice we'll call them red flags but the differences or the misalignment you might have with another person.

Speaker 2: 5:30

But I also want to say that one of the biggest problems is most human beings haven't developed healthy emotional maturity or good relationship skills. So to maintain this relationship beyond the physical requires understanding. You know the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship, which is usually good conflict resolution skills, the capacity to resolve our differences in a non-confrontational way, and most humans aren't really good at it. Just you know, I mean. It takes a lot of inner work. It takes a lot of practice to learn healthy communication skills. It takes a lot of self-awareness to know what your needs are, what your desires are, and then to be able to express that to another human being.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Exactly, I understood, yeah, and also, like you have said, that one of the biggest issues in dating is a lack of self-love. So how does the person's self-love I mean self-worth influence? The type of relationships they choose relationships they choose.

Speaker 2: 6:48

So I want to be clear with everybody. The word self-love can mean a lot of things, to mean different things to different people. So the way I interpret it is it's self-worth, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-discipline, self-esteem. It's all these self-words and we just wrap it in a nice heart, call it. Love is that we all have an inner six-year-old inside of us that needs love. We all have an inner six-year-old inside of us that needs love. Self-love is the adult way of taking care of that little child. Most human beings have a wounded inner child. We might have had significant trauma in childhood or we could have just had a benign, average trauma in childhood. That requires some nurturing. Self-love is the capacity of the adult to nurture the inner six-year-old within us. Why?

Speaker 2: 7:41

is this so radically important. Well, let me just say this I believe the number one emotional health wound most every human faces is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. That's the inner six year old and nothing triggers this like dating and relationships. I mean, it triggers this wound like nobody's business. So when you're in relationship, if we're not nurturing the inner six-year-old inside of us, it's going to oftentimes create problems in actual adult relationships.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Wow. And on this, do you think people with low self-worth are more likely to ignore the red flags? Because they have and they believe they don't deserve better?

Speaker 2: 8:35

You know, that's a great question and I believe when somebody's individual self-worth is low, they're just grateful that they might get even a little bit of attention, and just a little bit of attention is enough to fuel it.

Speaker 1: 8:50

But it might be that, as you said, you know, overlook some deeper red flags because they're just happy to get some attention a powerful insight this idea that self-love isn't just about treating yourself kindly, but also about setting the standards for how you allow others to treat you.

Speaker 2: 9:21

Oh yeah, one of the fundamental self-love practices is the capacity to set boundaries, and I love the way Brene Brown says boundaries is what's okay and what's not okay for me. And let me clear, I meant to say this earlier, please forgive me Self-love is not a destination you receive okay, or if you get to. It's a practice. I mean, we never really. I don't believe we ever fully love ourselves. Maybe 30 seconds before we pass away, maybe um, unless you're in fear, um, but it's not a destination we ever get to. It's a practice to loving that little six-year-old inside of us constantly.

Speaker 1: 10:09

Understood. That's very true and, like a lot of people, stay in the wrong relationship because of fear, or fear of being alone, fear of starting again. So what's your advice for navigating that fear and finding the courage to leave?

Speaker 2: 10:29

Yeah. So you know this is a great question and I think we have been indoctrinated in the belief that we have to find the one, you know, that one person we're going to spend the rest of our lives with. And I suspect before we had the internet and when we used to live in tribes, you know we lived in small villages, towns, and tribes was mostly the case. Now, I mean, the reality is is most humans find themselves in casual relationships, not serious relationships. So I'm observant that what if relationships are just another building block for your evolution, for each other's evolution, I should say?

Speaker 2: 11:14

And instead of you know, looking at you, know, oh, I'm single. I'll never find someone again. Shift the like. In other words, you've gone out with someone. It didn't work out. You were in a relationship with another person that didn't work out. You were in a relationship with another person you didn't work out.

Speaker 2: 11:29

Well, first I would invite everyone to become introspective and say what positive things about myself did I learn from each one of these experiences? How have I healed from each one of these experiences? What was good about each one of these experiences and what am I most grateful for? Because guess what you know, we may never get to. If you live in California and you're traveling to Florida to get to Disney World, you might stop off at a lot of other amusement parks along the way. It's okay, like, instead of judging it as good or bad, just say it was part of your experience. But I'm here to encourage everyone to go. If you want a life partner, then embrace that and then put yourself in environments where you can meet potential people, and right now, the Internet is the number one place people are meeting, the number one place I mean by leaps and bounds. 65% of all new relationships are happening through an online connection. So you know, I'm going to say, if God put this in front of us, let's just use it.

Speaker 1: 12:38

Yeah, exactly, very true, yeah. And and also, like I think like fear of being alone is one of the biggest obstacles, especially as people get older. But also, at the same time, I imagine, like you have seen clients find freedom and self-discovery once they embrace that alone time. So do you have a favorite success story that illustrates this?

Speaker 2: 13:13

Well, I want to address the alone component, for a second, fear of being alone. I understand how you know, we human beings are social creatures, so it's natural to want to be connected with people. That's a natural need within ourselves. But I believe we are in a unique point in time in humanity where a lot of people are by themselves. Okay, we'll say alone or by ourselves. And what if we are in a phase of evolution where this time by ourselves is to work on loving ourselves? What if this time by ourselves is to be introspective, to be self-reflective, to be self-aware, to be objective, to embrace the aloneness and actually learn to love your own company? When a person can actually love their own company, it doesn't matter whether they're mated or not. Of course we don't want to die alone, and most people are never going to die alone. There'll always be some person around you. I mean, there's even nursing homes you can go to, but that's paid for by the governor, kind of thing. So I'm here to say that I believe we're in an evolution of learning to embrace being by ourselves. So, but you asked me about a success story, so I'm going to be very candid. As of this day that we are recording this.

Speaker 2: 14:47

I have entered into a new relationship in my life and I think this is important to answer. Your question ended not my choice. I I was very much in love with this person and I went through the deep heartbreak of an ending of a relationship and I've had, and I've done a tremendous amount of work to grieve and heal from the ending of this relationship. Yeah, and, and I and I went through the entire like and I mean, as you shared in the in the beginning of this broadcast, I lost a child. So I've done a deep dive into healing your grieving. I've gone to the depths of hell. I've done the depths of Tartarus, if you will, to evolve past this pain. But I had this relationship and I've done a lot of work.

Speaker 2: 15:44

Why I'm sharing this with you? Up until about two months ago, my life was really grooved. I am like I'm feeling like I have not felt this great with the way my life is. I have it just the way I want it. I am happy by myself. Now someone just entered it.

Speaker 2: 16:06

Why I'm sharing this is when, I believe, when we groove our lives and we are like I am happy. Oh, by the way, let me be clear I want a life partner. Okay, and I will not remotely say this person I'm speaking of is going to turn in anything. It's still too new, but I am optimistic, okay, and and I I believe it's because I became very happy with who I am, but the universe now says I want to share that with someone else, and so I became a more magnetic attractor. And the irony is is she saw me on Instagram because I'm a public figure. She commented on my Instagram page, she had watched a number of my videos and I reached out to her just on a social level, because we happen to live in the same town that we just agreed to meet as friends and now it's turned into something. So I do believe that when we groove ourselves in happiness, we become magnetic attractors for what we want.

Speaker 1: 17:13

Exactly yeah. So I mean in your book you emphasize the spiritual and the personal growth. So how can someone use these tools to break free from patterns of choosing the wrong partners?

Speaker 2: 17:34

Well, I have a big proponent. My book is called what the Heck is Self-Love, anyway, a Journey of Personal Development, self-help, spiritual Work and I'm Encouraging Therapy for Every Human being is when we begin a practice of loving on ourselves, of improving on ourselves, of becoming self-reflective, or to be introspective, self-reflective, self-aware objective, then we begin to not come from a place of dependency, because most people either choose relationship out of dependency or they're usually codependent people. They're counterdependent people, anxious people, pick avoidant people, traditionally speaking. So when we come from a place of our sovereignty remember I started this conversation our energy tells us what's right or wrong in this conversation. Our energy tells us what's right or wrong. When you've embraced self-love, when you've embraced your sovereignty, you can feel quickly when something isn't right and you can feel quickly when something is right.

Speaker 1: 18:41

Well, and so that's really interesting perspective, and even I have heard people say, like, why do I keep attracting the same type of partner? But I love the idea that by working on yourself, you change what you are drawn to and what you attract. So yeah, what do you say about?

Speaker 2: 19:06

this. Well, I want to piggyback on this because it's interesting. So my pattern in my life is I happen to be an anxious person and I tend to people that are a little bit more emotionally avoidant and to me that feels like love, because that was my mother. Ok, so my mother was emotionally avoidant and and that her behavior felt like love to me. Ok, put that in a box Now.

Speaker 2: 19:36

I shared with you about this new person in my life and all of a sudden she's very emotionally expressive, she's affectionate, she's kind, like all the things that I don't want to say. My past relationships were not, but all of a sudden this is foreign to me and I'll be candid with you. I'm like, no, I'm not, I'm not loving this person because it doesn't feel like what it was before, when you could. So that's what happens is, you know, when you actually experience someone who's not like what you're so used to, that doesn't work out, can feel foreign for a moment, and the real challenge is leaning in and stepping into the uncomfortable, because you know you don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth and that's a very poor analogy, but I'm just simply saying when you know you have a good person in front of you, but it doesn't feel like the unhealthy versions. That's usually the healthy person for you, but we're so unfamiliar with it because we haven't learned how to be. Most humans haven't learned how to be in secure, healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 20:46

Okay Okay, healthy relationships, okay Okay. And like for the listeners who are questioning their current relationship but feel unsure, like what's one thing they can do today to gain clarity on whether to stay or leave.

Speaker 2: 21:06

I think the most important question to ask is why are we doing this? In other words, are we in a casual relationship or do we have a serious plan to lean into partnership? I think people should have these conversations as early as you possibly can, because it's a waste of time to spend more than three to six months with somebody if it doesn't have a serious plan to become serious, a plan to become serious, and I think most humans are just happy with occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, without any solid commitment. So I'm here to encourage everyone who's listening to.

Speaker 2: 21:48

This is like if you're on the fence about your relationship, then ask where's this relationship going and have a plan, because without it, you know you're just killing, you're you're basically a placeholder in somebody's life. You're either you're either working towards building partnership or you're just spending time together. You're either working towards building partnership or you're just spending time together. You're either growing and building in partnership or you're just spending time together. And not that there's anything wrong with spending time together, but I'm a big proponent. You know what the richest relationships are people who are in partnership with one another. Those are the deep, rich relationships. They come with a lot of headaches too, because you have to learn to adjust and compromise and that sort of thing, because there are no two people alike. But there's a lot more fulfillment when you begin a partnership with someone versus something casual.

Speaker 1: 22:46

Great, that's great. So, jonathan, thank you so much for sharing your incredible wisdom with us today and definitely, I have to say, you have given us so much to think about, from recognizing the red flags to building the self-worth and knowing when it's time to move on. So, for anyone who is listening, who's feeling stuck or kind of questioning their relationship, like, remember that you have the power to choose love that uplifts you, not the one that breaks you down. So, jonathan, like, where can people find you if they want to learn more about you or about your work?

Speaker 2: 23:26

Well, first off, thank you again for having me, and I appreciate this platform to share what I am so passionate about is helping humans really love themselves and find a relationship their dreams. So my name is listed here Jonathan Aslay. Simply cut and paste that, put it in Google. You'll find my youtube channel where you can watch I. I shoot like four or five videos a week. I have a. You can go to my website, jonathanasleycom. You can go to my instagram, social media pages on facebook and follow me there, um, and you know if I can be of service, then reach out to me and we can schedule a discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you.

Speaker 1: 24:15

Perfect, perfect. That's really great, so great. So thank you so much, jonathan. And to everyone who is tuning in, here's a reminder Love starts with you, so when you prioritize your self-worth and well-being, you will attract the kind of relationship that you truly deserve. So until next time, this is your host, avik, reminding you to love yourself fiercely and find joy in every aspect or every step of your journey. So thank you so much for being our pleasure. Principles Till then be happy, stay healthy, stay mindful. Thank you so much.