Habits of the Heart: Transforming Relationships Through Self-Love

Have you ever considered how your daily habits reflect your relationship with yourself and others? In our latest episode of Pleasure Principles, we explore this deep connection with special guest Anna Shalina, a renowned expert on personal transformation. Anna shares valuable insights from her book, Habit Freedom, guiding listeners through the intricacies of how our habits inform our intimacy levels. The discussion highlights the importance of self-love as the foundation for all relationships, demonstrating how being kind to ourselves can significantly enhance our connections with those around us.

Throughout the episode, we address the array of numbing habits that can stand in the way of meaningful relationships, ranging from overworking to binge eating. Anna provides practical steps and strategies to recognize and overcome these habits, emphasizing that breaking free requires an innate comfort with discomfort. Understanding the difference between productive and limiting habits can empower listeners to make choices that promote emotional growth and intimacy in their relationships. 

As we unpack Anna’s insights, we urge you to consider the limits you currently accept in your life and challenge you to strive for deeper connections. The episode concludes with a powerful reminder: “Do the hard thing.” This motto emphasizes the immediacy of action in personal growth and relational enhancement. Tune in for an enlightening discussion that truly reflects the transformative power of habits and the relationships we cultivate in our lives. Ready to change your life? Listen now, and don't forget to leave us a review or share the episode with someone who needs to hear it!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Pleasure Principles
• 19:00 The Impact of Habits on Self
• 38:00 Numbing Habits That Block Intimacy
• 54:00 Distinguishing Between Productive and Limiting Habits
• 1:17:00 Steps to Overcome Harmful Habits
• 1:50:00 The Importance of Valuing Intimacy

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome back to another episode of Pleasure Principles, the podcast where we unravel the deep, fascinating and sometimes messy layers of pleasure, relationships and the self-discovery. I'm your host, avik, and today we are diving into a conversation that is fundamental to how we connect with ourselves and with others. So, the habits that shape our intimacy and the relationships yes, and we all have habits, right. Some servers, some sabotages, it's all right. So, and whether we realize it or not, the way we relate to ourselves actually sets the foundation for every relationship in our lives. So, are your habits deepening your intimacy or keeping you stuck in old cycles? That's a great question right. So to help us navigate this, I'm joined by someone who has dedicated her life to transforming the way high performers build habits and the relationships Anna Shalina. So welcome to the show, anna.

Speaker 2: 1:19

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 1:23

Lovely, lovely. So, anna, like before we start, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, anna is the author of Habit Freedom and the founder of RelatingAcademycom. She has spent over a decade guiding entrepreneurs, leaders and trailblazers in breaking free from limiting habits to create the deeply fulfilling connections, and her work blends human behavior, mindset, leadership to empower people to build the lives that they never want to numb out from. So, anna, I'm really excited to have you here today and I can't wait to discuss about this topic. It's a great, great topic. Welcome to the show.

Speaker 2: 2:11

Thank you so much. I'm excited to dive in.

Speaker 1: 2:14

Lovely, lovely. So, anna, let's start with something fundamental. I mean foundational, basically how do our daily habits reflect our relationship with ourselves? I mean, if you can share a bit, Our daily habits reflect our relationships with ourselves.

Speaker 2: 2:38

It's all of it. So our habits can only have two effects on us. They either expand us or contract us, because a human being only has two states. We either feel expansive or contracted, and our habits then reveal how much self-love we have, how much self-worth we have, how much self-respect we have, all of these things. So it's a huge correlation between our habits and our relationship with ourselves. And the relationship with ourselves is the most relation, the most important relationship when it comes to any relationship, because this one is the one that's reflected in intimacy and in relationship with other people. So we often see issues in relationship with other people, with our beloved or significant other, with family members, members, with other people, and then we're like oh, the problem is outside of me, right, but at the end of the day, it actually all comes back to us. And so our habits definitely impact and also reflect. So it goes both ways. Can you see what I mean In terms of like the impact, how we feel about ourselves, but then they also reflect how we feel about ourselves.

Speaker 1: 3:54

Exactly, very, very truly said yes, and I mean also on this, like, if you can confirm, like how does that internal relationship impact, how we connect with others?

Speaker 2: 4:15

how does the relationship with ourselves impact how we connect with others? Um, we all have an internal dialogue. There's a conversation we have with ourselves, and how we treat ourselves often turns into how we treat others. Are we kind to ourselves? And a lot of time we're not kind to ourselves. We can say like, oh, I'm not kind to myself, but I'm kind to other people. That might also be true, and you'll also find that if you're unkind to yourself, there are ways that that unkindness also then oozes out and impacts other relationships. Often we're completely unaware of that, of that, and we have these blind spots right. And then in turn the other way around.

Speaker 2: 5:02

If we see in our external relationships things like disrespect or dishonesty and we think that it's like, oh, it's just in the relationship with another person, what is actually happening is that reflection is giving me an opportunity to look at the disrespect or the dishonesty that I have with myself. For example, maybe I said I'd go to gym and I didn't go to gym 10 times. Maybe I said I wouldn't eat myself, for example, maybe I said I'd go to gym and I didn't go to gym 10 times. You know, maybe I said I wouldn't eat sugar for a week, but I never kept that promise. So maybe I'm dishonest with myself, maybe I'm not respecting my own commitments and things like that. Does that relate to the question? Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 5:41

Yeah, yeah. So on this I was about to come like that. There are so many of us that develop habits as kind of coping mechanisms. But what I mean according to you.

Speaker 2: 6:06

What are some of the most common numbing habits that people don't even realize, that are blocking deeper intimacy in the relationships? Great question. So all habits can be numbing habits, whether it's food, it can be drinking alcohol, it could be reading too much, it could be working too much. Working too much is one example that I work with a lot of clients where it is obviously productive to a degree, but then it's not productive if I'm working too much and then I'm taking away and not being present in my relationship and in my intimacy. So the overworking is working for the business but it's not working for the relationship and it's actually numbing my emotions, for the relationship and it's actually numbing my emotions. So all habits have the potential to be numbing and so the question becomes can you become conscious, can you become aware of if your habits are coming from a place of numbing or are they coming from a place of consciously choosing them?

Speaker 1: 7:03

so I mean that's really true. I mean, I think a lot of us tends to focus on fixing the external relationship before we look inward. So that's an important point. I mean it's almost like we expect someone else to fill a void that only we can truly embrace. Yeah, so you have also talked about how all habits are kind of limiting in some way. So if you can break down that, I mean, how do we distinguish between the habits that keep us stuck versus those that help us grow?

Speaker 2: 7:43

Great question. So all habits are limiting, all beliefs are limiting, and limits aren't good or bad. Limits are actually great. We need limits. Without limits, we're just infinite potential.

Speaker 2: 7:54

The question becomes are you happy with the limits in your life right now? And if you don't know how to answer the question, there's three areas of life that you could look at. You look at your health. Are you happy with the limits in your health? Are you as healthy as you could possibly be physically and mentally? Then the limits in your relationships. Are you happy with the limit in your intimacy? Are you happy with the limit of how vulnerable you can feel and you can be with your partner? Are you happy with the limits of what you can discuss and how deeply you can talk about things and the adventures that you can go on? And then the third area of life is wealth. Are you happy with the limits in your wealth? Like I said, everyone has limits.

Speaker 2: 8:37

The question becomes are you happy with these limits? And if you identify, well, you know no, I'm not happy with the limits in my relationship, for example, I feel that we're not discussing things deeply enough or I don't feel safe enough to bring sensitive topics up, for example. Right. Then we look at, like, well, what are your habits around bringing sensitive things up and being vulnerable with your partner? Do you have a weekly safe space or a monthly, you know date that you you set aside for this? Like, what are the habits that have eroded that? Is it that? Um, you know the habits of not being a very intimate or like, um, what's what's the word that I'm looking for? Um, just dismissive with each other, you know, like not being very affectionate with each other over a long time. And then we shift those habits. So, yeah, like, what are the limits and are you happy with those limits?

Speaker 1: 9:43

Exactly, Exactly true. It's very, very truly said, I have to say. I mean I really love that. And also like on this if you can share like what about people who recognize their habits are very harmful but struggle to break them? I mean if you can share like any steps or something yes, yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:06

So I had a. I drank alcohol and I was sober curious. So I really struggled to break that habit for seven years. I drank for like 20 years, but it was the last seven years where I knew it was harmful but I just. It was such a hard road for me to stop numbing out with alcohol specifically. And so my book, habit Freedom, breaks down all the steps of exactly how I did that, all the things I wish I knew like seven years, eight, nine years ago in terms of breaking free from this limiting habit.

Speaker 2: 10:44

So the first one was that I was going to have to get comfortable with discomfort. Breaking free of any limiting habit is going to feel uncomfortable, and we live in a comfort crisis, meaning less and less people are comfortable with discomfort, right. Everything is so convenient and so done for us that we have lost the ability to be uncomfortable. So habit change will always come with discomfort. You will face cravings, for example, for the old way, right, whatever the habit is like. Food, for example, was a huge comfort habit for me as well, and so I'd crave for the old type of food that I would eat, or I'd crave for the old, you know, the glass of wine that would soothe me, type of thing. So the first step was really understanding that I can't escape the discomfort. I'm going to have to sit through the discomfort and sit with the discomfort and make friends with the discomfort.

Speaker 2: 11:49

So that's the first step that I break down in the book is the relationship with the discomfort, and then the second one is I call it the relationship with the light, because, going from discomfort to discomfort, you just do one hard thing and one hard thing and another hard thing and then you burn out because it's just, it's so hard If you go, if you fight this craving and then you have to fight the next craving and then you have to fight the next craving. That only lasts a short time. That's why willpower never lasts. What you do have to add into your life and I call this light is things that bring you joy, things that expand you, things that you can feel gratitude for, because nature abhors a vacuum and so you need to fill the space that that habit used to take up with things that are healthier, more sustainable and are good for you and good for your relationships, more sustainable and are, you know, are good for you and good for your relationships, your health and your wealth, and so you really want to.

Speaker 2: 12:56

Because that's the biggest thing that I did wrong. At the beginning, I thought that willpower would have been enough If I just said no to enough cravings, then you know, then I wouldn't need the alcohol, I wouldn't need the food to comfort me. But it wasn't until I realized that I needed to fill my days and my life with connections and people that I love, with music, with beautiful walks, with art, with things that, like, really lit me up, so that I didn't need the cheap dopamine anymore, the cheap dopamine from the food and the cheap dopamine from the alcohol or biting my nails or whatever it was that now I was like the dopamine came from accomplishments, achievements, friends, beauty, creating things.

Speaker 1: 13:47

Exactly, very, very truly said, and I mean I really love that. I mean the idea that breaking a habit isn't just about the willpower, it's about shifting our identity. So that's a great one. So for people who are used to being strong or in control, especially the high performers, vulnerability can feel like a kind of weakness. So how do you, how do you reframe it as a strength?

Speaker 2: 14:23

how do you reframe vulnerability as a strength? At the end of the day, it comes down to practice, because we do not choose our beliefs. I cannot tell you to believe right now that the sky is green. You'll tell me no, anna, the sky is blue because you have a whole lifetime of proof of and evidence that the sky is blue. But if you wake up tomorrow morning and you're like, oh, the sky is green, then you have a little bit of proof of the fact that the sky might be green. Even if I threatened your life and I say you have to believe that the sky is green, you wouldn't be able to believe it until you gathered proof.

Speaker 2: 15:05

And so how that relates to vulnerability is to start to believe that vulnerability is safe, vulnerability is healthy and vulnerability is going to get you to the place that you want to be. You have to gather proof for that. Until you gather proof, I can't make you believe anything. You have to gather proof for that. Until you gather proof, I can't make you believe anything right? So with vulnerability in that sense, I like to start small. I'd like to show you how vulnerability can be safe and connecting and beautiful and makes you feel alive and makes you feel, like I said, connected to another person, to yourself, to a higher power, whatever it is right, we all crave that connection and that connection can only come from vulnerability and that vulnerability needs to feel safe. So it starts. The reprogramming of that belief comes from practice and it comes from starting small and then building that that belief, one building block at a time.

Speaker 1: 16:18

So you have also worked with the high achievers and entrepreneurs, who often have a very disciplined life but still struggle with the intimacy. So what's the biggest mindset shift they need to make to foster deeper emotional connections? What do you say?

Speaker 2: 16:37

Yes, the biggest thing is really helping them value the intimate life as much as they value their business. Until they value their relationship and intimacy as highly as their business, it's not that important. And when things aren't that important, we just don't create the time for it. I like to remind people when they're like I too busy right, I'm too busy and like to remind them that all we have is time. That's all we have, and then we fill it. We're the ones that are filling the time, even though sometimes it feels like our time is being filled up before us. Until we become the conscious choosers of what is put into our day and into our time, then we're enslaved to our business or whatever else. So it's understanding the value of intimacy. Why is it important to you? What's going to improve in your life once you value intimacy and your relationship more?

Speaker 2: 17:57

It usually comes off the back of you know, something really hardcore happening like a separation or a divorce or, um, like a wake-up call, right so, like someone losing. It often takes someone losing something for in their personal lives and their intimacy for them to realize what they, what they had, and then the value goes up and the importance goes up. And it isn't nice when people don't have to get to that point of loss for them to start valuing it. But at the end of the day, you know they have. You know what people regret at the end of their lives and all of that. And no one regrets working more, like no one wants to say I wish I had worked more. Most of the time it's like I wish I connected with, with the people in my life more, and that's the thing that brings that. That's, at the end of the day, what, what we're here for.

Speaker 2: 18:56

Um, some, some entrepreneurs who have, like, who have their focus on business, they they get their intimacy needs met in their business, but it's, it's fake intimacy. If that makes it not, it's not. It's real but it's surface right because they think they're connecting with people and they are, but it's, at the end of the day, um, it doesn't feed that deep need that they have. And so intimacy is also very scary for people who have lots of experiences where they weren't fully accepted for being themselves and um, and to meet someone where they are and go like it's okay to feel scared of intimacy or invulnerability, um, we're, you know, we're going to get there together and when you do get connected in such an intimate and profound way, you'll also see how the other areas in your life start to improve, like your business and your health and everything, and so improving that importance then makes it easy to lean into the vulnerability and lean into the intimacy more.

Speaker 1: 20:22

That's lovely, saying yeah, great Evan, it's really great. And, um, also like, uh, if there's one takeaway that, uh, you'd want listeners to walk away with today, then, uh, one shift that could immediately start transforming the relationship with themselves and the others, then what would it be?

Speaker 2: 20:49

Right at the beginning of my book Habit Freedom, I write like there's one message to take away. It comes in the form of five words. So one, two, three, four, five it's do the hard thing. Now we have this illusion, illusion of it. We think that tomorrow it'll be easier to start the diet, or tomorrow it'll be easier to have the difficult conversation with a loved one, tomorrow be easier to ask for more intimacy from my partner, and we self-soothe, we lie to ourselves, basically by saying like, oh, tomorrow will be easier.

Speaker 2: 21:26

Tomorrow it's never easier because you've created a neuropathway Every time you don't do the hard thing, you don't give up the limiting habits, you don't have the difficult conversation. You have made the neuropathway deeper and more profound of not doing the hard thing. So you say it's going to be easier tomorrow because of some illusion, but tomorrow it's always harder. So, whatever it is, whatever difficult conversation, whatever relationship you need to mend, whatever limiting habit you need to release I'm working with with a client now with, like, releasing her limiting habit of feeling guilty. Uh, every time she says no to someone or something right. So it's the the easiest time, the best time is always now. It's never tomorrow. Tomorrow is just another now and tomorrow is there's just going to be another. Oh, let's do it tomorrow. So if there's anything that's on your heart, that's been on your mind of like, oh, should I give up this limiting habit or should I lean into this relationship, do it now.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Now is the easiest it will ever get. Exactly. That's a lovely saying, it's a great great and also, like this, is really a great great, enlightening conversation, I have to say, and I think so many of us going to walk away with a completely different perspective on the habits and the relationships, and it's a it's a great way to learn as well. So this episode will definitely help people to know where they are and how they should go ahead or how they should think about. So that's a great way.

Speaker 1: 23:26

So, for everyone who is listening, if you are ready to break free from the limiting beliefs and other maybe the limiting habits, rather, I would say and step into deeper and more fulfilling connections, so be sure to check out Anna's book Habit Freedom and her book at relatingacademycom. I'll put the links into the show notes for you easy reference. And, as always, if you have loved this episode, do not forget to subscribe, share it with someone who actually needs to hear this and leave us a review. Let's keep this conversation going and until next time, stay curious, stay open and, most importantly, stay connected. So see you in the next episode of Pleasure Principles. Till then, be happy, take care. Thank you so much.