The Art of Repairing What Seems Beyond Repair: Greg Stephens on Relationship Restoration

Broken relationships don't have to stay that way. Communication expert Greg Stephens reveals the transformative power of properly structured conversations in this eye-opening discussion about relationship restoration.

Drawing from his 25 years of experience working with couples, corporate leaders, and families, Greg shares the universal principles that make or break human connections. At the heart of his approach is a profound shift in perspective: "Most of the time when there's a problem, we focus on the problem and forget about the person." This simple insight forms the foundation for rebuilding what often seems beyond repair.

The conversation explores Greg's personal journey of reconciliation with his father—a powerful story that demonstrates how staying emotionally present during difficult conversations can completely transform outcomes. Rather than reacting defensively when his father expressed disappointment, Greg employed the "human superpower" of absorbing tough messages through curiosity rather than defensiveness. "Questions turn the brain back on," he explains, offering practical techniques anyone can use when emotions threaten to derail important conversations.

Perhaps most compelling is Greg's framework for personal accountability: "Everything in my life I create, promote, or allow." This philosophy removes victimhood from relationship dynamics and places the power for change squarely in our hands. When trust has been broken, he advises against blame, instead recommending inquiry and understanding. For those moments when conversations go sideways, Greg offers a simple reset technique that can instantly shift the energy: "Stop. This is not what I want to do. My intent in talking about this is..." followed by your genuine positive motive. Check out Greg's book "Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships" to discover more relationship-tran

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Relationship Restoration
• 4:07 Making Internal Shifts for Difficult Conversations
• 9:16 Managing Emotions to Rebuild Connections
• 14:10 Universal Truths About Relationship Dynamics
• 18:04 Staying Present During Emotional Conversations
• 22:28 Rebuilding Trust in Broken Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Pleasure Principles. I'm your host, Avik, and today we are diving into the complex and deeply transformative world of relationships. Yes, I thought that this way, if I start like deeply transformative? Yes, so, because we all have those impossible relationships, the ones that we think are too broken, too strained or kind of too far gone to be repaired. But here the question what if I told you that there's a way to restore them, to build new bridges where old ones have burned? Have you thought about this, dear listeners? Do let me know in the comment section on the social media or any platforms. Would love to hear from you, and my guest today has spent over 25 years helping people to do that, greg Stiffens. So welcome to the show, greg.

Speaker 2: 1:05

Thank you so much, avik, glad to be that Greg Stephens. So welcome to the show, greg. Thank you so much, avik, glad to be here. Thanks, I'm honored to be a guest on your show, thank you.

Speaker 1: 1:11

Lovely, lovely. So, Greg, before we start, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. So, dear listeners, Greg is a communication consultant, executive coach, professional speaker and corporate trainer. So he's worked with Fortune 500 companies, national organizations and the individuals alike, guiding them in transforming the ordinary into the extraordinary. So he recently released his book Build New Bridges the Art of Restoring Impossible Relations, impossible relationships, and I can't wait to dive deep into the insights he's gained from his incredible journey. So welcome to the show again thanks avik, I appreciate it lovely, lovely so.

Speaker 1: 1:56

So, greg, like I mean the power of restoration is definitely, I mean it's really powerful. I your story about reconnecting with your father is so raw and powerful. I mean it took incredible courage to have that conversation. I mean, what was the biggest internal shift you had to make in order to kind of approach it differently than you might have it in the past?

Speaker 2: 2:27

Yeah, that's one of the things. It does take an internal shift and what I find is one of the things people say, oh, we need to go have a conversation with this person, get this cleaned up, get this handled, but no one's really taught us how to do it. We typically learn from our parents or people in our lives how to communicate, but no one's really ever typically taught us, sat down and taught us the skills, and then we typically have them, gone out and practiced those skills. We might learn it in a class or something, but we don't go apply it and it's kind of like its own language, but we don't go apply it and it's kind of like its own language. If you don't practice it, you're not going to do very well with it. And that's what I did, as he was going to be the hardest.

Speaker 2: 3:25

And I teach people in business and personal how to do these, how to have these conversations, but I find our personal ones are typically much harder than the ones at business. At business, we see a return on our investment or our time really quickly, and so we'll go practice there. But we don't do it as home nearly as much. And you're right, it did take courage to do it, but there's something about understanding the skills of how to do it that help you gain courage, gain confidence to be able to do it, because if you're not don't know how to do something, you're not really motivated to do it exactly, yeah, so like um, and a lot of people get stuck in the fear of rejection when they are trying to heal a relationship.

Speaker 1: 4:19

So, uh, how do you guide someone through that emotional barrier?

Speaker 2: 4:25

Yeah, I think I put a program together where we actually work on. First thing is getting on the right topic with all of these, because we typically want to talk about the issue, but it's a much deeper thing and it's emotional. We need to be talking about the relationship. But when I say relationship is how we work together, most people if they say, hey, let's talk about the relationship, they're going to run. But if I talk about how do we work together, going forward in a way, that's better, it's a foundation of what we need to do.

Speaker 2: 5:01

But then you have to be able to manage your emotions. Most of us come into these conversations and we want the other person to change, and it's a mistake, because you can't change anyone. You can't get them to react like you want them to. They're a human being with free choice, free will. But what I found is when I change how I do things, I can influence how other people engage with me. So the only thing I can really change is myself. Once I do, I have the ability to influence someone else, and that's kind of the pathway.

Speaker 2: 5:37

I teach people first how to manage themselves, how to manage their emotions, how to see what's really going on, and that's a huge insight for most people, because most of us live in this illusionary world in our brain. We think other people make us mad or other people upset us. We upset ourselves based on our expectations of how we think someone should act or react and we've never had a clear agreement at the beginning of our relationships. I mean, most people battle if they're, if they have a significant other spouse, they battle on finances or things like that. Do they have agreement about how finances will be handled? They have assumptions they've made and that creates a lot of space for upsets to happen.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: 6:37

Yeah. So I think I think to answer your question, it's get on the right topic and manage your emotions first. Then, uh, if you were to get my book, I walk you through how to structure your message, because most people begin by blaming or attacking someone, especially in a uh, we see that, uh, an impossible relationship. We live in that past experience, so we continue to blame that person for that and that's why it becomes impossible, because we can't see it. We can't see how we're responsible for that impossibility to live and stay there.

Speaker 1: 7:17

Exactly yeah. And, like you, have worked with couples, corporate leaders, the retirees I mean three very different groups, but at the core they all deal with the relationship challenges. So what are some of the universal truths you have discovered about what makes relationships thrive or maybe break down makes?

Speaker 2: 7:43

relationships thrive or maybe break down. Well, it's personal self-interest that we think the world should look the way we want it to, and when I feel that way and you feel that way and we interact, there's going to be conflict. But I also believe that that conflict is healthy. It shows us where boundaries are. It has us. If we know how to do, we can discuss them. We can actually coordinate our efforts and get both of our personal needs met. But that's just it.

Speaker 2: 8:24

When we don't understand how to engage with that conflict in a healthy, effective way. Instead of building up, we tear down and that's just it. When we start to tear something down, it's amazing what human beings can build when they're aligned, when we're working toward the same goals, when we're trying to understand that hey, I've got needs, Avik's got needs, we got to work within that. It's amazing what we can do together. But the moment we pit ourselves against each other, against each other, it is amazing what we can tear down and that's just it, am I? The question you need to ask yourself is am I building things in this relationship or am I tearing them down? Here's the other thing, avika, I found Most of the time when there's a problem, we focus on the problem and we forget about the person.

Speaker 2: 9:13

Because if I'm working on a project with you, I'm just looking at the problem and you become a problem with that. But what if I see you as a person and I say we can do more together than we can fighting each other? All of a sudden, I have an ability to make a shift, but that's just it. We have to see both people and problems separately. What happens when the person becomes your problem?

Speaker 1: 9:41

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 9:42

That is the main interest.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:44

And there's skill sets to break that down, because what I would suggest if we were to start working on something together? You don't want me to become a problem for you and I don't want you to become a problem for me. So can we set boundaries in that? Can we talk about how we'll talk about our differences of opinion about how something should be delivered or timelines, things like that. But it's amazing again what we can do when we coordinate our action together and what we can tear down when we don't.

Speaker 1: 10:19

True, very true, and like that moment, I mean, when your father told you that he didn't like the man you had become, that I mean that could have broken you or led to a kind of defensive, so instead you responded in a way that transformed the conversation. I mean, I really love that. And how can people practice staying emotionally present instead of kind of reacting or instead of being reactive from a place of pain? I mean, how do you say that?

Speaker 2: 10:58

Well, I'm going to say that is a human superpower we all possess if you practice it, and it's being able to absorb tough messages. And for me in that moment, honest Avik, if you haven't read the book, the first chapter is about me and my father, like Avik was talking about, my dad told me that he didn't want to have anything to do with me at one point and in that moment, everything in me wanted to show him how wrong he was. That's what I felt inside. But I've learned, when I get emotional, to ask myself questions. Questions turn the brain back on. So if I can pause a second, I feel myself about to react. Have you ever spoken up? And what you've said next actually cost you more than you wanted it to? So I've learned what we say is your first response is the worst response. So I don't want to jump out there right away.

Speaker 2: 12:04

I want to ask a question, and the first question I ask is what is it I want in this moment? What do I really want from for myself, for the other person I'm talking to, for our relationship, for the family? What is it I really want? I've got to get back to my best motives. For the family, what is it I really want? I've got to get back to my best motives.

Speaker 2: 12:27

It's interesting because that is the engine that runs the whole engage engagement with the other person, your motives. You can keep your motives in a positive place. All of a sudden you can engage very differently. So if my motive is to listen to you, no matter how hard it is to hear you, I may be able to listen and disseminate. Remember this, folks listening does not mean you agree with a person. But if I listen, all of a sudden they have an avenue to share what they're. They're giving me the gold in the conversation. They're giving me their perspective. Once I understand their perspective, then I can influence them. I can't influence until I truly understand it.

Speaker 2: 13:15

But what we typically do, we get caught in reaction. I want to say with my father, deep down, I wanted to say you're wrong. You're wrong about this, but I knew that would just get in the way. If I ask questions, then I can get curious and that's the. That's the distinction here. Are you curious in a conversation or are you trying to be right? Because most of us in a conversation where there's conflict, where there's emotions running, we want to be right and it actually blinds us to everything that's going on in the conversation, and there are skill sets you can do, like ask yourself questions, take a deep breath, change the change your physical, physical space, trying to open up, to try to really listen to someone. And think about this when someone really listens to you, avik, don't you feel like almost there's a connection there?

Speaker 2: 14:19

exactly yeah, and so when I can listen, even if someone's attacking me, I start to create a connection that wouldn't be there again. I might not I might disagree with everything they've said, yeah, but I don't want to jump into that right now. I want to find out why they think that. I want to find out what data they have behind that. How long has this been going on? What has it done for them? How has it shut them down around me? When I start to find those things out, guess what I'm doing?

Speaker 2: 14:52

I'm actually turning their brain back on too, because I'm using questions to turn their brain back on too, because I'm using questions to turn their brain back on exactly. So it's an interaction, but it's done through the ears, and the only thing with your mouth on that is asking questions exactly, very true, rather than trying to tell someone why they're wrong or explain why I did what I did just go. Wow, that's not good. Help me understand how you came out to that opinion. How long has this been going on? Uh, have you been avoiding me because of this? Have you and I start to open up? Something happens in that connection as you do it exactly, very true.

Speaker 1: 15:38

So, um, also, like, uh, I mean, whether it is a personal relationship or the business, trust is everything which I believe. Though, uh, when trust is broken, what are the key steps to rebuilding it?

Speaker 2: 15:52

yeah, I think, first, you can't blame. Yeah, when trust is broken, I can't blame. I have to have an inquiry, and so it's part of laying out a good intent up front. You know what Avig, based on these things the last I've heard you maybe talking to others about me saying these things. That's what's been reported to me. When I see that I feel like I can't trust you and I don't want that, Help me understand your perspective Then I'm in a dial that I'm starting to get in a conversation about what's good. What have I been doing to do this so understanding? There's a Anthony DeMello. I love what he said. He's a uh. He lived in India and, uh, he, uh, uh. He said um, uh. Clarity of perception gives you a greater accuracy of response, Wow. So if I understand where you're really coming from, then I can respond more directly. So if I'm going to talk about trust breaking down, I need to understand how you saw trust breaking down, or I even share how it's broken down for me, True, yeah. And then it's a back and forth and I would also say you didn't break my trust. These things happened.

Speaker 2: 17:23

I decided not to trust at that point. I own. If I trust someone, I'm not going to blame someone else. The moment I blame someone else, I give them all my personal power. Yeah, You're a victim. Once I make that mind shift you talked about making that shift Once you stop being a victim and be responsible. There's a quote I share almost everyone. It's on my signature, on my email and here's the quote Everything in my life I create, promote or allow, I'm totally responsible for my life. What results do I have that's on me? Did I allow something? Did I trust someone I shouldn't have? Did I trust someone just because I had wishful thinking? Did I have a conversation about how?

Speaker 1: 18:37

we'll move forward, or did I just make assumptions Exactly?

Speaker 2: 18:39

Yeah, it's a whole different way of living.

Speaker 1: 18:42

True, very true. Yeah, I mean this is very true. Whatever I have done, it's on me, nothing on someone else. So true exactly.

Speaker 2: 18:53

Yeah, exactly, I've done it. I'm responsible, then I can do something about it. If I put it in your hands, if it's your fault, then I'm waiting for you to do something about it, and that may never come.

Speaker 1: 19:07

Exactly, yeah, lovely, great. And, greg, I mean I really really enjoyed the conversation. It's a really incredible and insightful conversation. I have to say I know time is constrained but I really love to discuss more and more. But I have to say here that your work actually reminds us that even the most difficult relationships have the I mean potential to heal if, uh, kind of, we are willing to do the inner work and show off differently, in a different way. And so, before we go, and for anyone who is listening, or maybe listening later, who is struggling with a seemingly impossible relationship, what's the one piece of advice you'd leave them with today?

Speaker 2: 20:00

yeah, I tell this this is the simplest thing and it's so powerful whenever you get into an emotional conflict or a conversation with someone. It's not going the way you want it to.

Speaker 1: 20:17

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:18

Just make this simple statement Stop. This is not what I want to do. My intent in talking about this is this and share your good motive. My intent in talking with you about this, avik, was to solve this problem and make our relationship stronger. I can see I haven't done that. Can we reset and go back to that? Just reset with your best intent. It's one skill that you can use over and over and over. I've had people do this more than 20 times in one conversation, but it gets it back on track.

Speaker 1: 20:59

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:00

Yeah, because that's what people doubt is your motive when they, when they feel attacked, they think that you don't have their best in mind, you don't have to share their goals or you don't respect them somehow. I've got to get that idea back and I start with my best intent, my best show.

Speaker 1: 21:19

Perfect, that's lovely, lovely, great. Thank you so much, greg, for sharing your wisdom and your personal journey with us and, dear listeners, if you want to dive deeper into the art of restoring relationship, be sure to check out greg's book build new bridges the art of restoringhips. It's a game changer. And also, last quick thing, greg, where people can find your book.

Speaker 2: 21:45

Yeah, they can find it on Amazon, just anywhere books are sold. It's on Kindle, it's on paperback, hardback. Also. We'll be releasing the audio version at the end of March, at the end of this month.

Speaker 1: 22:04

Oh, wow, yeah, Amazing, amazing, really amazing. And, as always, if this episode has resonated with all of you day listeners, share it with a friend, subscribe and leave us a review, and your relationships, whether personal or professional, deserve the care and the attention to flourish. So, with this hope, until next time, keep exploring the pleasure of meaningful connections. So thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 22:38

Thank you, Aviv. Bye.