Ple^sure Principles
Join us on Ple^sure Principles, the podcast where desire meets discovery. The host, delves into the world of sensual pleasure, intimacy, and relationships, exploring the complexities and nuances of human connection.
What we focus on?
- Candid conversations with experts, thought leaders, and everyday people
- Insights on sexual health, wellness, and self-care
- Discussions on consent, communication, and boundary-setting
- Personal stories of pleasure, passion, and transformation
Want to be a guest on Ple^sure Principles? Send Avik Chakraborty a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/17275468104779647fc23a8b9
Ple^sure Principles
The Body Knows: How Emotional Healing Transforms Physical Connection
Rachel Richards joins us for a soul-stirring exploration of how emotional healing transforms our experience of physical intimacy. After heartbreak sent her spiraling into anxiety and depression five years ago, Rachel found a better way to heal and now guides women from heartbreak to wholeness through her coaching practice.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn when Rachel shares a client story about a woman who felt something was "missing" in her bedroom experiences despite having a loving, loyal partner. Through deeper exploration, they discovered she had previously only experienced relationships as "the other woman" – creating patterns that now affected her ability to connect in a healthy partnership. This powerful example illuminates how our past relationships shape our current intimate experiences in ways we often don't recognize.
We explore how our bodies communicate what our minds aren't ready to acknowledge – through physical symptoms like anxiety, insomnia, and even hair loss when something in our relationship doesn't align with our truth. Rachel emphasizes that healing isn't overnight; expecting instant transformation is like "going to the gym once and expecting to lose 40 pounds." True healing comes through celebrating small victories and extending grace to ourselves throughout the process.
For those recovering from betrayal, Rachel offers wisdom on rebuilding trust through consistent actions rather than empty words. The path forward requires understanding our non-negotiables, setting clear boundaries, and recognizing that vulnerability is our greatest strength, not a weakness. Whether you're healing from heartbreak, navigating trust issues, or simply seeking deeper connection, this episode provides compassionate guidance for coming home to yourself and reclaiming your pleasure.
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welcome back to another enriching episode of pleasure principles. So welcome back again to this soul-stirring, heart-opening and radically honest episode of Pleasure Principles where we talk all things that desire emotional intelligence, healing and that juicy, expansive thing we call intimacy. So I have a host, avik, and today, oh today, we are getting tender, transformative and a little bit taboo in the best possible way. Yes, so our guest today is someone whose story gave me goosebumps, I have to say yeah, rachel richards. So welcome to the show, rachel hi, abhi, how are you doing?
Speaker 2:thanks for having me me.
Speaker 1:I'm doing great, lovely. Thank you so much for joining us today. And before we delve deep into this topic, I really love to introduce you to all the listeners. Dear listeners, rachel is not just a coach, helping women restore the intimacy, regulate the emotions and rebuild this trust. So she is a walking testimony of how you can rise after being shattered. So she started her healing journey five years ago after heartbreak sent her spiraling into anxiety and depression. But instead of staying down, she asked one brave question there's got to be a better way to heal, right yeah, yeah, thanks for that introduction, avik.
Speaker 2:There's definitely got to be a better way to heal right, because we can't always be in pain yes, yes, dear listeners.
Speaker 1:So she found it, she built it and now she guides women from heartbreak to wholeness. So today we are diving deep into how emotional healing changes the way we experience physical intimacy, not just with a partner, but with ourselves. So, uh, racially, welcome to the show. I'm I. I have a feeling that this episode is going to change lives, so let's get started. Welcome to the show again thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, that was such an amazing introduction update. I really liked it. Yes, today, um, I think today's topic um healing, the way healing influencers, um physical and physical intimacy is, uh, it's a topic close to my heart because we we don't think that it can change the way we experience physical intimacy, but it does. And and actually today I wanted to share a client, a story, one of my clients I'm not going to say her name because I didn't get um permission to share her name.
Speaker 2:But, um, I had a conversation with her and she was like, oh my God, coach, rachel, something is missing in the bedroom. Like he's an amazing guy. He never cheats on me, he's loyal, he has integrity, whatever he says, he backs it up with action. But I just feel like something is missing in the bedroom.
Speaker 2:On a deeper conversation with her, we found out together that the reason why she felt like something was missing in the bedroom was because she was lacking the thrill of being the other woman. In every relationship before her stable relationship, she was always the other woman, she was always the third person in the relationship, the third person in the relationship. So that thrill that the want to be chosen, the pick me, love me, choose me was missing. So, when it comes to actually talking about how healing affects physical intimacy, intimacy is something I'm so passionate about because we don't really think that things from the past or baggage from our previous relationships could get in the way of us experiencing such a good physical relationship with our partner, even though they're kind, even though they're loyal. It was like don't you think they're a great provider, you see? So that's why I brought it up.
Speaker 1:Exactly, that's amazing. Yeah, thanks for sharing this and so, like was there a specific moment that you noticed your body wasn't responding the same way as before? Like if you can share that.
Speaker 2:I need to be the first one to say you know when your partner is cheating, you know when they're lying, you know when they're being unfaithful, but sometimes you don't know. And then your body starts to tell you. It might be migraines, it might be just anxiety migraines, it might be, um, just anxiety, whereas you know, we fall into this regular trap of believing oh, it's just, it's just my intuition. I need to shake it off. I I don't want to. I don't want to, you know, stir the pot. I don't want to, you know, ask questions, to have difficult conversations, because that will make me difficult, that will make me hard to love, that will make him leave. Have you ever just known that, wait, something's not right? Wait, something's not right? And you know you ignored it and then later on it came back to bite. You have you ever had that feeling?
Speaker 1:um, yeah, yeah, I can like. I mean, yeah, definitely, because it's, it's, it's, uh, it's a natural feeling, or I would say that's an intuition sometimes. Sometimes it says that, uh, maybe something is not right, something which is happening, maybe that's not the good way, that's not the good path.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so what I'm saying I'm not saying that it's right all the time, but what I'm saying these are just symptoms and signals that we have to have a conversation, we have to set the right expectation, and sometimes I work with ladies and they're like Something within me told me or I couldn't sleep, or I was just anxious, or I started to lose my hair, like your. Sometimes your body can leave clues On what's going on, and being in a position to have the conversation, to set the right expectation, is one of the skills that I've fallen in love with. It's not just learning, but you learn, then you do, then you teach so that it sticks, so that that's my, that's my actually my, my love right now. That's the place of education that I fell in love with when it comes to becoming better relationships understood.
Speaker 1:Lovely, so, and that's such a raw truth. I mean, so many people feel disconnected from their body during emotional pain, but uh, don't always link the two. So, um, thank you for naming it. So that's amazing. Yeah, and um, as you began to heal emotionally, what surprised you most about how your relationship to touch and intimacy began to shift?
Speaker 2:Oh my God, so great question. Oh my God, so. So it's the thing that women have when it comes to physical intimacy. That's called shame. Sometimes we don't want to admit that. Maybe we would like things a little bit different, maybe we don't want to rush into physical intimacy, maybe we want to take time to get to know the person, or maybe we're just not satisfied, or maybe it's something that we need. We're not getting out of the relationship. So when I took time to focus on, you know you ask yourself the question why is it that I'm not fulfilled in this relationship? What is missing? You know the same question I asked there's got to be a strategy, it's got to be something. You know, and you realize that I have a fear of being vulnerable with somebody I say I love I still have the need to protect a part of me.
Speaker 2:That means I'm not showing up 100%. So even with those deepest fantasies that I have, I don't feel safe enough to explore them with this person. And yet I say I love this person. So you know where's the disassociation, what's happening? So, being just able to walk through my journey and just being able to notice when conversations around intimacy is gone to get uncomfortable, that's when the change started. I hope that makes sense. I know it's very detailed, yeah.
Speaker 1:Like also here did your body ask for the different things, or did you find yourself, did your body ask for the different things, or did you find yourself wanting new kinds of closeness?
Speaker 2:So what do you would say. So this is how it happened, right, when you are just in a relationship, and let's say hypothetically right, because this was my situation I preferred. I looked forward to the days when he wasn't there, when I didn't have to see him, right, so it was like living for the weekend. So I was happier outside of the relationship. And I know this might not be the case for all of the listeners, but sometimes you get some kind of peace when the person is not around and yet you still want to lie and say that oh yeah, I love them because you don't want to be lonely.
Speaker 2:So we fall into the trap of thinking if we stay longer, if we sacrifice more, if we change our preferences when it comes to our physical needs or we numb those physical needs, these people will love us more. They will be loyal to us. They will be consistent. Be loyal to us. They will, you know, be consistent. Has it ever happened to you where you feel like, you know, I thought, I thought, because I was being loyal to this person, they'll be loyal back to me. I thought, because I was being honest with this person, they would give it back to me. But it doesn't really happen, you know yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:I mean, we, we assume that these things will happen because we have a faith or um we, we trust that person, um with wholeheartedness. Maybe that is the reason, or what do you say?
Speaker 2:yeah, it's, it's um. I would say, yes, blind trump. And there's also. There's also the um. It's the hope that human beings are good people, that every human being. No, but I was. I'll be the first one to say that, going into my dating life, just expected everybody to love the same way. Right, and I was mistaken. We fall into every time. Every time, we fall into the trap of believing that we have experienced the same love growing up, right, or we've experienced, we know, how to give and receive love. The same way, we've experienced the same journey with, with communication and safe spaces and accountability. Have you ever, have you ever just realized, hey, how come this person thinks, maybe, that love is gifting and yet I think that love is quality time? Has it ever happened to you? Why are we so different?
Speaker 1:I mean, I expected something, but something different happened. So yes, it happened to me.
Speaker 2:So, yes, it does happen a lot, and not just to me, like with some of the clients I I work with. Right, they, they just they want to fix the person. We can't help it a week. Like we love these people so much, like we love them blindly that we would follow them into the fire. Right, we, we want to fix them.
Speaker 2:But the thing I teach my clients is, no matter what we do, no matter what we give, we can't go back into that person's childhood and change their understanding of love, because for some people, the only love they've known is manipulation, abuse. You know, that's the only love they've known growing up and that's the only love they've known growing up and that's the only love they're able to give. So sometimes if the your, your partner is being emotionally unavailable or they don't, they, they're not able to listen to your physical and emotional needs because your needs don't matter. It's because that's what they've grown up seeing right, and it's not up to you to go and fix things. So that's also one thing, especially when it comes to recognition of intimacy with my clients. That's one thing that we always talk about okay, so um, I'm in.
Speaker 1:Uh, it's really wild that how healing doesn't just change what you want, but it changes what you can even deceive also. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Sorry, you were saying sorry, I got excited.
Speaker 1:I just said like it sometimes changes what we even receive. So that is something yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes, so that is something. Yeah, yes, absolutely. When sometimes in life we put on a tough exterior because of what we've gone through and everybody has had different childhood and different experiences, so sometimes different childhood and different experiences, so sometimes safe relationships can be triggers because you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because maybe in your past nobody has loved you that way, honestly, affectionately, loyal, and you're just where's the lie, where's the manipulation? And then sometimes we're not able to receive love because we're coming from a place of I need to protect myself and everything that person says looks like a form of manipulation or a form of lying. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Understood, understood of mind, absolutely understood, understood. So, uh, and like in your coaching book, what's the most common block women have when it?
Speaker 2:comes to rediscovering the physical pleasure after perfectionism. I would say even me, before I coached, before I went on this journey of healing, I blindly expected that my healing would be overnight. I expected that after the first time I sat down and had a conversation about my values, my non-negotiables, what it would look like for a safe relationship for me, I would completely feel open to being physical with somebody or to just give away that part of me that I had put off, give away that part of me that I had put, you know, off. So I think I had. I just had to learn that healing is not overnight and the fact that I expected the perfection. It's like going to the gym after one try and expecting to lose 40 pounds. It's setting yourself up for failure. So the more I got frustrated, the more I wanted to look into it. I'm like where's the perspective coming from? It's coming from this need for perfection, because I was not looking for the aha moment, the aha where, oh, that feels a little bit better.
Speaker 1:I was looking for to wake up and everything be perfect, which is unrealistic, yeah, exactly amazing. So, uh, how do you help someone feel safe in their body again, especially if trust has been broken?
Speaker 2:absolutely so. Trust comes from actions. Right, and this is what I work on with all my clients. The reason why we are in a place of fear is we don't know how to initiate trust again. We don't know what that trust feels like and we don't have a strategy on how to get it.
Speaker 2:I think it's Dr John Delaney that says behavior is the only language you need in relationships. So, on the journey to reestablishing trust, it has to be action-based and not words. So you're not going to base it on what the person says. It's what they follow through. If they say that they're loyal, if they say that they don't lie to you, whatever your non-negotiable is, how is the follow through? How do they respect your boundaries?
Speaker 2:So, as somebody consistently becomes because trust is basically predictability right, so as they consistently show you that I have got your best interest at heart, I've got your emotional needs at heart, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not just going to walk away, because some of the clients I worked with, a partner walked away from them and just left them high and dry, and I think that's their biggest fear. So you have to ask a client, I have to ask a client, we have to have the conversation of what would it take for you to feel safe again. What does that look like? Every client is different, so actions that would help that person feel safe again. What does that look like? Every client is different, so actions that would help that person feel safe. Right, repeatable action.
Speaker 1:That's how the trust is re-established again okay, exactly, true, yeah, and uh also like uh, we often talk about receiving the pleasure, but what about initiating it again after the heartbreak?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a great question and also sometimes this is the biggest hurdle after heartbreak initiating pleasure. Because if you're thinking about heartbreak, you're thinking about somebody hurt you. So now it's time for me to protect myself and with all the walls built up, it's very hard to be vulnerable, it's very hard to connect on that level.
Speaker 2:For women, the level of communication that it takes to initiate physical intimacy is not just surface level. It comes from the confidence from within. The confidence from within comes from repeated action. You know, establishing that trust with yourself that even if maybe he doesn't like this or he thinks that's too fast, or he thinks this is too evasive, or he doesn't like physical touch in public, it's okay. Again, perfectionism right and being okay, being fluid and trusting yourself. That all comes from the confidence within. So when I'm working with a client, especially when it comes to reestablishing intimacy in relationships, physical and emotionally, we talk about vulnerability because that is our biggest strength, but some people think it's their weakness, so we work on that understand, yeah, and how can someone begin to feel empowered instead of assumed about wanting touch or sex again?
Speaker 2:feel impartiating, catch the last one. How can somebody?
Speaker 1:feel like about.
Speaker 2:They feel empowered instead of feeling ashamed about uh, want to have touch or sex again that actually I'm working on a client with that and I think what we discovered is the empowerment actually comes from now. With this particular client I'm working with, physical intimacy has always been transactional, right, never relationship building. So she's afraid that once the physical intimacy is over she'll never see him again, right? So again, it's based on client by client. But what I see the major thing is values, right. Knowing that, are we going the same direction, me and him? Do we want the same thing out of a relationship? If it's just to you know, explore each other's bodies? We know that If we're looking for a long-term relationship, we know that Setting the right expectations before going in gives you confidence and knows and helps you understand. Oh my god, this is, this is my boundary, this is how far I'm going.
Speaker 2:The empowerment comes from the confidence. The confidence comes from setting the right expectations and knowing what to expect after, because if you have a conversation with her, the biggest problem with her intimacy and I'm not saying it's a thing for everybody, but getting back to it she thought it would be transactional. She thought, oh yeah, I'm never going to see him after this. That was her block and she needed to set the right expectations draw the right boundaries and no, aren't we going in the same direction? This relationship, we want the same thing of the relationship and that's what made her more confident when it comes to physical intimacy. But for each case is different. Each case comes with a different blockage, right.
Speaker 1:So in that scenario, that's what helps me can understand, yeah, yeah, so like, do you think that our uh cultural scripts around moving on make it harder to reclaim physical intimacy in our own timeline?
Speaker 2:For cultural scripts, like how we were raised. What do you mean by that?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I mean like move on. I mean I have to say Move on emotionally or physically?
Speaker 2:Two different things.
Speaker 1:It's a yeah to reclaim the physical intimacy. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:So obviously, society has a lot to do with the way we we think would be acceptable, right, because society is about being accepted. What would be acceptable when it comes to moving on is definitely inbuilt by where you've grown up, what you've done, right, how the relationship ended. But I will say for a fact that the emotional part of intimacy for women, when it's not just physical intimacy for us we have to be present. So sometimes the reason why the physical intimacy is so mechanical or something to a chore is because we're not emotionally present, right, I don't know how it is for men, but for women we can disassociate from the act itself, we can remove ourselves from the act just to treat it as a chore If we haven't dealt with the emotions surrounding vulnerability. So of course, culture is there and culture can state that, oh yeah, you have to get remarried right away, maybe you have to have kids right away.
Speaker 2:Different cultures, different needs, different societies, different ways that you have to fit in at that time. And, yes, you can remove yourself from the situation, but for how much longer? Right? And what are you doing with the emptiness? How are you numbing that emptiness? How are you taking care of you? And then it goes back to the physical symptoms that come with trying to disassociate or removing yourself from such an intimate and what is supposed to be a celebrated, you know, part of being with that person. Yeah, so it's different for every culture, but it goes back to somebody being able to actually stick to themselves and being able to be vulnerable for themselves. Then maybe this is a chore or I'm not present here. It's because I haven't dealt with certain things and, again, any recovery starts with my intention. Right, I want to fix the thing. Some people don't want to, which is okay too.
Speaker 1:Exactly. So how can we give ourselves more grace in that process?
Speaker 2:How can we give ourselves more grace? That's a great question. Grace looks different to different people, but to me grace comes from not expecting things to be perfect the first time in things to be perfect the first time. And also grace comes from the vulnerability of you know, accepting that we are human and of course, we cannot show up to every situation with a script, having a play-by-play. Grace also comes with flow and being able to handle your triggers.
Speaker 2:There's a client that I worked with. She was suffering from severe compassion fatigue. She's a child with intellectual disabilities, so she's exhausted already from being a mom and at the end of the day, she doesn't have it in her to be physical, to give again to her partner. And that's okay, because everybody's situation is different. When I say extending grace, it's knowing you're not supposed to be perfect and maybe you need a break, and knowing, okay, it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay that maybe you don't want this. But why is it that you don't want it, right? Is it a physical thing? Is it a health problem? Or is it just that being in that moment makes you so vulnerable? You don't want to be that vulnerable, right, yeah? And even for some women it's just like oh, oh yeah, I don't like the way I look like without clothes. It's so simple, but it it affects the way we see physical intimacy lovely so.
Speaker 1:so we uh need less bounce back and more pee with, so that's where real intimacy blooms. So what do you say on this?
Speaker 2:Sorry, we need what.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's what real intimacy blooms between, sorry, between what? Bounce back and be more with bounce back and be more.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, um, bounce back.
Speaker 2:Yes, be more with. Yes, um, real intimacy, absolutely bounce back, I. The ability to repair quickly and be more with is just being able to be honest with yourself. You see, when we're building relationships, one of the pillars right and I was preparing a class today we're talking about, um, just being able to know. You know, how long do you give out a free sample when you know that it's time to get serious, right, the law of reciprocity means that you share the same values, right, and with sharing the same values, you're going in that same direction in the relationship, so definitely repair will be around. How same direction in the relationship, so definitely repair will be around.
Speaker 2:How do we fix the relationships? Let it grow. That's your bounce back, right, it's not that we are going the same direction. We're growing in the same place and being being aware of ours. We need to be emotionally regulated. What?
Speaker 2:Yes, you cannot bring everything from the outside and dump it on your relationship without the intimacy suffers. That's how everything suffers for you. When we're talking about physical intimacy, there's a lot that happens in the mind before the physical happens, and some people are not having good physical intimacy because there's things they haven't taken care of. Maybe there's problems that they've had in the relationship and instead of dealing with them, they've chosen to brush them under the rug. So there's that resentment.
Speaker 2:So, yes, bounce back, you've got to be able to repair things. So, yes, bounce back, you've got to be able to repair things. Being aware is, obviously, if I'm at a six and my partner is at a's, not always expecting the other person to be my everything you know, to be my friend, my husband, my religious, whatever, you know everything. That's not fair. So, being okay with yourself and knowing that, okay, okay, my partner is at a six and I need to be probably at a higher rate, I'm going to take that. Maybe, if I'm at a two, I jump to a four so that we can get along that day, knowing when to have these repair conversations. I think that was good. Bounce back and being aware, I think I like that lovely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so for someone who is listening is just starting to reconnect with their body after trauma or heartbreak. So what's one gentle invitation you would offer them tonight?
Speaker 2:I would say, first of all, you're not crazy. Somebody got used to seeing you cry and somebody broke your heart. Your needs were not met. So, knowing that you're not crazy, that's a big part of healing, because when you realize that, no, no, I need something, that's the beginning. And being very intentional about your needs your needs don't make you difficult to love, your needs don't make you broken, okay, your needs make you who you are. And knowing that, maybe, yeah, you need the monogamy, maybe you need the loyalty I don't know what it is that was missing for you but embracing that and then taking a step from there.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's video that talks about finding the balance. Finding the balance is just built on a theory. For those people who go see the video, take the journey with us. We go over what it means to have non-negotiables in a relationship, how to build them, finding the balance between the give and take that's where the healing starts right. Knowing that it's okay to want some things in a relationship and it's okay to set boundaries and it's okay to have conversations around it, because I also want to be getting something out of this relationship so it can stand the test of time. That's where the journey is.
Speaker 1:In summary, it's amazing, so lovely. I mean, that's beautiful, whether it's the first breath of self-trust or the bold leap into new love. We are all on the continuing of coming home to ourselves. So that's amazing and, uh, I have to say like, uh, I don't know how, uh don't know about all of you, dear listeners, but my heart feels full and my body feels seen. So, rachel, thank you so much for reminding us that healing is intimate work and intimacy is healing work. So you showed us that thriving after heartbreak isn't just about getting over someone. It's about getting into ourselves fully, fiercely, tenderly. That's amazing, so great.
Speaker 1:To all the listeners, maybe tonight light a candle just for you. Put your hand on your heart, whisper something kind to your body and remember that pleasure isn't a reward for healing. It can be the very path through it. So this is your host, avik, signing off from Pleasure Principles. And if you have loved this episode, share it with someone who's rebuilding, rediscovering or just remembering how worthy they are of love. So until next time, feel deeply, feel freely and always honor your pleasure. So, thank you so much.
